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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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my partner and I are together for 2 years and we get on very

Resolved Question:

my partner and I are together for 2 years and we get on very well but when we have
sex this other womens name come out to make it worse I know her and he denies that
he says her name.Its driving me crazy and I dont want to let him go I know he is not cheating with her but why this?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about what is happening.How often does this happen that he says this other woman's name when you are having sex?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

When you are having sex and he says the other woman's name what do you say or do at that very moment that he is saying her name when you are having sex?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You there?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

How do you know that he is not cheating with her? How do you know this?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I see that you are offline. I'll pause here and await your response to see what you have added to this chat so that I will be in a better position to help you.If you have other questions, don't hesitate to ask. Just put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I will be the one to respond.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I will say this though before you respond back to get you started on thinking about how to handle this in a better way. Since he denies that he says her name I think you should the moment he utters her name just pull away from him and confront him right at the moment he is saying her name.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I don't have to say this but it is totally non-acceptable for him to be having sex with you and saying another woman's name when that is something that you don't approve of.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

His denying that he says her name must make it infuriating to you.

Customer:

Dr Shirley Schaye

Customer:

my mind wants to know if he is just wasting my time

Customer:

I have pushed him away and he says Iam crazy thinking that

Customer:

I have to go now hopefully you can give me some help or advice

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Hi

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

It's hard to give advice because obviously, it depends on the person. I could tell you what I personally would do but that doesn't mean that you would do what I would do --- by that I mean that we are two different people and each person decides for themselves what is acceptable to them or not. Cha'qun a son gout --- everyone to their own taste.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So let's start with you putting into words your feelings about this.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So that my response to you is based on your wishes not mine --- so your thoughts and feelings.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I'll await your response on that and then respond.

Customer:

He has never done anything wrong to me and wil do anything I ask so I dont understand

Customer:

deep down I think he must have something for her but why dont he go with her I feel she has feeling for him they know each other for years she is pretty and we see her every week

Customer:

wait for reply

Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I am a Moderator with Just Answer, when your Expert comes back on line she will see your response and will return to assist you. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience:-)

Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

I agree with the previous expert. You don't know that he is cheating and you may be projecting your own fears onto him. It is true that someone should be hurt if the wrong woman's name comes out during or before sex but you can't immediately jump to a conclusion like he is cheating. Ask him why this could possibly have happened and evaluate his response. Then it is up to you whether you want to end it. He should be able to tell you why this may have occurred.

 

If you think he is cheating than that seems possibly to have more to do with insecurities regarding this relationship and maybe insecurities that you are having. You say she is pretty. That may mean that you are feeling insecure. There is nothing wrong with facing him and asking hard questions but you can't assume anything.

 

If he is denying everything then you have the right to make a decision. If a relationship doesn't have a firm foundation it will not last anyway. Base your decision on the response you get. If you feel this is stuck in your mind than maybe this isn't the relationship for you.

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I know he is not cheating for sure just dont understand why this keeps
happening?
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
If he is cheating on you and it keeps happening then he may know that you will tolerate it. When people do something over a period of time and nothing happens then they often continue this behavior. He won't stop cheating if he can. This also says something about his character. He is able to rationalize being a cheater and a liar so that may not be the guy for you. If he can be with you and someone else then that is the type of relationship he chooses and that isn't a monogamous one. Think about what you deserve and what you want.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
Sorry you were offline and then I was seeing patients.I have read what you have written.I will respond.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
I understand that you think that he is not cheating on you. However, as a psychoanalyst I would have to ask why on earth when having sex with you is he saying her name. Believe something on some level if only psychologically is going on if he is saying her name while having sex with you. Clearly this is not a turn on to you and you do not like it. The question then is you don't know how to deal with it. As I have said before forget even whether he is cheating on you or not. I have no proof of this. But let's stick with some facts. You are telling him that he keeps saying her name and he keeps telling you that he is not. However, you can vouch for the fact that you have heard gives --- is he lying to protect himself? Look, no matter how into sex one is one is not unconscious everytime one has sex and YET ... ... he tells you no, he has not called out her name. Clearly, you are here on Just Answer for a reason. You want to find a resolution to this problem. So, you may not like my response because obviously, it will interupt your sexual pleasure BUT everytime you two have sex if he calls out her name just pull yourself away NO MATTER how difficult it is for you and start your conversation with him. Do that without fail --- each time. If he keeps denying it then you better take a good hard look at who you are with. I would there. If you still believe him that he is not cheating to protect yourself put a recorder in the room. Record what is going on. If he calls out her name again pull yourself away and play the recording. Then have the conversation again.
I think you see where I am going. I am being protective of you and want you to know very definitively what is going on. Earlier you asked the question, and I quote you," my mind wants to know if he is just wasting my time." Boy you'll know soon enough if you call him on this. You should absolutely, not put up with this.

I see that you are offline now. I'll pause here and await your response to see if there is anything you would like to add so that we may continue with our chat. Do add whatever you want and then when I check back I'll respond. If you have other questions, don't hesitate to ask. If I have answered your questions, please click on ACCEPT and leave feedback. Bonuses are always appreciated. You can always ask more questions even after you have clicked on Accept. Just put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I will be the one to respond.
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
Dr. Shirley Schaye and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
Just checking to see if you have read what I have written and whether you have entered anything in response that I should comment on. i look forward to continuing our chat.
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
Dr. Shirley Schaye and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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