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JaRee1993
JaRee1993, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience:  Licensed to diagnosis and treat mental and emotional health issues of adults, adolescents and children and pastoral counseling.
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Our daugher is 40 and has been married for 6 years she is absolutely

Customer Question

Our daugher is 40 and has been married for 6 years she is absolutely wonderful and drives to our business an hour, has 2 children, is happily married. Her husband did not finish college, has never worked for anyone else, sleeps to noon then remodles their house and does some odd jobs. He is a good person and a good father but it drives me nuts that she tells me he is working for someone else but all details show he sleeps to noon then on his schedule does everything, he is reclusive, she is content with him but he makes no sense whatsoever as he has managed all of his 45 years to do whatever he wants to when he wants to and has had no experience in the world to make him a practical person. Should I just act like I believe that he is working for others and be quiet about it to her, or should I let her know how I feel that he should have a different job and schedule but if that is what she wants that is what she chose..I think I need a mental health expert
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  drksdastoor replied 2 years ago.

Dr.K.S.Dastoor :

Hello there.

Dr.K.S.Dastoor :

If your daughter is not complaining and is happy with her husband, i do not think it would be wise to interfere.

Dr.K.S.Dastoor :

people can be annoying at times, but you need to have a healty conversation with your son-in law when your daughter is around.

Customer:

I nee a metal health Dr and I am not happy with your answer thanks

Dr.K.S.Dastoor :

I think that would be most productive in sitting and sorting out your differences.

Dr.K.S.Dastoor :

ok.

Customer:

Thank you

Expert:  DocPhilMD replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I would like to help you find an answer.

I am a primary care doc and I deal with these family situations all the time.

Is your daughter and children happy?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Are you going to answer?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I do not understand why you are taking so long...thanks
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dont you think you should refer me to a mental health expert? Thanks
Expert:  DocPhilMD replied 2 years ago.

Sorry about the late reply. I was away from my computer.

 

 

If the family is happy including your daughter and children, I see no reason to "stir the pot" if you will. I believe that this will only cause conflict between you and the family.

 

Perhaps your daughter wants to have the feeling of taking care of the family or being the provider. Maybe she has purpose in life functioning in this capacity.

 

If everything is well, I say just leave it alone and let the family be happy.

 

If you have follow up questions, please ask prior to accepting.

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
What really bothers me the most is that our daughter says her husband is working
I know from my own observations that he works outside the home very little
She represents him different than he is
Do I act like I believe her and then am I the idiot that knows and yet acts like what she is saying is true
I also have conflicts and annoyances with him
He couldnt help 2 girls lift something as his back hurts
After our daughter offers that he will carry in groceries for me that are for them and if she hadnt offered I would have carried in to their home he says I am with my children and i will do it later
He talks over the conversations at the table when I am there and no one can carry on a conversation
He is soooo annoying
Expert:  DocPhilMD replied 2 years ago.

From an outsider perspective the things that are concerning are his back pain-there is no reason to have chronic back pain at his age. This needs to be evaluated by a medical doctor.

 

It sounds like everything else is really just things that you don't like about him and that is fine. You are not going to like everyone.

 

Your daughter is going to defend him if you tell her. If you tell her these things, she will defend him and it will create conflict between the two of you.

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I feel stupid when she tells me he is working and he is for me a terrible example of what a father should be and I want to tell him a thing or two...he has had back pain for years and it is an excuse I am sure...like everything else about him he is a big old leech
Expert:  DocPhilMD replied 2 years ago.

I can absolutely relate to your disdain for this man. It sounds as if he is not an ideal husband.

 

However, if your daughter and grandchildren are truly happy then its best not to cause conflict.

 

Perhaps simply discussing these issues with a therapist (if you have one or if not you could search for one) and venting would help you.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
That is why I told you I wanted a mental health expert and I still feel it would be better to refer me to one, please to so I have done this in the past and it helps...or someone in family therapy an expert...that is why I contacted just answers...please refer me now...thank you
Expert:  DocPhilMD replied 2 years ago.

I will refer you now.

 

I would appreciate an accept so I am compensated for time and expertise though.

 

Thanks.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Other.
a MD is not qualified to answer me, a mental health person or family therapist would be qualified, I told these experts MD since the beginning to refer me to a qualified person and neither one has done that thanks
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
NO because I told the first Dr to refer me to a mental health expert then I told you and I do not think you are the person to answer this question...I am not going to pay for this
Expert:  DocPhilMD replied 2 years ago.

I recategorized your question.

 

Please don't reply as it will just come back to me.

Expert:  DocPhilMD replied 2 years ago.

For some reason, this question is not being re categorized to mental health.

 

Would you like to continue with me or wait?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
no I want a mental health expert or family therapist thanks
Expert:  DocPhilMD replied 2 years ago.
Ok. Hang on then. You can wait for the category mods to re cat it.
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 2 years ago.
Hi, thank you for contacting Just Answer. My name is Ja`Ree and I am a mental health counselor. As I am reading the replies you have received, I have to say that what you have been told is exactly what I as a mental health counselor would say to you. I know this is not what you want to hear, however, it is what you need to hear. If you daughter and grandchildren are happy then that needs to be your main concern. Also true, is the fact that if you confront your daughter as you would like to do I am concerned that it will cause a rift between you and your daughter and you could actually lose the relationship you have with her. I do understand where you are coming from and it is difficult to stand back and watch the situation, nonetheless, there may come a day when your daughter will need you to be there and if there is a rift between you and her she may not feel free to do that. I would recommend that you find someone you can talk to on a regular basis to help you work through the frustration it is causing for you and assist you with skills and knowledge that will help you deal better with it and enjoy your relationship with you daughter and grandchildren. I hope that this will help you sort this out and find someone to help you find some peace in the situation. Please let me know if I can assist you further in this. If this answer has helped you then please press the Accept button at the bottom of the page so that I can be paid by Just Answer. Also, please fill out the feedback form so that I can know how to better serve our customers. Again, thank you for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree
JaRee1993, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience: Licensed to diagnosis and treat mental and emotional health issues of adults, adolescents and children and pastoral counseling.
JaRee1993 and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 2 years ago.
please fill out the feedback form so that I can know how to better serve our customers. Again, thank you for contacting Just Answer.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I already typed it in
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I want to know if I need to be an actress and pretend to believe that he is working when he is not

Do I need to never say anything when he is CONTRARY and will not help with anything
Do I need to never say anything when he is CONTRARY and will no be polite but talks non stop at the table
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am waiting for a reply or I will call customer service and have them cancel this charge because as I explained to you I pushed th button by accident
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Can you answer I pushed the button accept before I was ready to accept
Are you going to answer me thanks
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 2 years ago.
I am sorry it has taken so long for me to reply to you. I am ill today and was laying down. I cannot tell you what to do, I can only give you the advice you ask for. I do family counseling a lot and I know what will happen if you say what you want to say to your daughter. Therefore, I am simply asking you to consider the consequences before you make the decision and please try to find someone to talk with that can help you work through this and maintain your relationship with your daughter. If you want to contact Customer Service then please do so. Again I am sorry that I could not give you the answer you wanted. However, your relationship with your daughter is so very important I just wanted to help you see that you can damage it. I hope you find a way to work this out and maintain this relationship. Ja`Ree
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I dont think you understand my last questions
I want to know how I should react when we are together as a family and he is rude
He talks over adult conversations to the children so no one can visit at a table
He wont carry anything for our daughter or children in front of me
He wont help to move anything even though is light he says his back hurts
I accept that I need to bite my toung with our daughter
But what if it is him that is being rude to me?

Do i need to be an actress and act like it is acceptable behavior from a 43 year old
(whien I am involved with him not as the question before when it is just me and my daughter...I realize I will bite my tongue now...what about the other situation
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 2 years ago.
I would recommend that if you feel the need to talk things over wqith him, that you do so in an assertive manner that shows respect to both yourself and him. If he feels attacked then he will attack back which will put your daughter in the middle and I know that is not what you want. I teach assertiveness skills to my clients to assist them with being assertive instead of aggressive. You are not in an easy situation that a simple answer here will fix. You truly do need to find someone you can talk with to help you work through all of your feelings and help you develop the skills you need to deal with the isue in an appropriate manner. When you chose, if you choose to talk with him it needs to be when you have worked through your feelings and can respond to the situation instead of reacting from your feelings. I truly understand your feelings, but I want you to be able to walk away from the conversation feeling good about how you dealt with it. I hope this helps you with this difficult situation. Ja`Ree

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