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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5220
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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i WAS WORKING FLAT OUT IN A LONDON SHOW PLAYING THE LEAD JUST BEFoRe my farther passed away at the same time my little sister contracted cervical cancer we didnt let him know cos he was so ill he then died within two that was abad start I then proceeded to work the london show and then would drive down to cardiff every night to be with her as we were very close to go through her chemothearapy each morning for 7 hours with her then drive back to london, do the show.This all caught up on me and I developed viral meningitis which I was bedbridde for 5 weeks which made me feel worse cos I couldnt be with her anyway as I got well I could visit her in the hospice where she lasted for 10 months which is a very long time she was so brave.when she passed away before xmas I was devastated adn wandered the streets just question everything as you do.The funeral was on 14th december 2010 so xmas didnt really exist that year.I RETURNED BACK TO THE WEST END SHOW ON AUTOPILITE i WAS IN AN RELIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO I TRULY LOVED ABD SHE LOVED ME.THE EFFECTS OF MY TRAURMA AND VIRAL MENINGITS STARTED TO GIVE ME MOOD SWINGS AND A LOT OF OTHER SIDE EFFECTS STARTED TO EFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP i LOVED HER DEARLY BUT BECAME OBSESSEDBWITH WHY NY LITTLE SISTER HAD TO DIE IN SUCH A HORRIBLE TRAUMATIC WAY IT SEEMED SO UNFAIR SO ANOTHRT YOUNG GIRL IN SHOW APPROACHED ME WHO HER FARTHER HAD GONE THE SAME WAY SO WE WERE TALKING IN A KINGD OF MORBID FACINATION MODE THIS LET TO HER COMING OVER TO MY PLACE BUT I DID NOT FING HER PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO HER IT WAS THE INFORMATION THE INTRIUGED ME ANY WAY AFTER A FEW DRINK WE ENDED UP IN BED AND THIS HAPPENED A FEW TIMES,i FELT i was out of control and no really knowing I was doing any harm though of course I was It was and seemed sureal.anyway my girl friend found out and went nuts and I went for thearapy and when came out of my treatment I had a condition thro my viral meningitis that mimmicked bipolar syndrom which made me do those terrible things out of character to my loved one who even knew the condition from the doc has told me its gonna be a long time before we can even be friends again .I dont know how she feels about me now we were gonna be married I dont see her as I am honouring her wishes to give her space its been 4 months now and I have not heard a word.I do think she's seeing someone but I feel that the only way she can get thid problem off her chest if at all but I FEEL A BIT STUCK JUST WAITING FOR HER TO EITHER SAY SHE'S MOVED ON OR THER IS STILL A CHANCE FOR US IN THE FUTURE HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES.I am waiting but maybe I will never hear from her again but \i need to know quite soon if she has or not but just having fun for now .I just need to know where I stand I suppose whether to move on or wait for achance for us.?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 4 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

First, let me say I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. This happens so often. You feel like she is still Ms. Right for you but you may no longer her Mr. Right. It is very hurtful and one way that guys try to soften the rejection is by keeping hope alive. But it is very useless as you are guessing. You are right. It's more than likely time to move on. But you have the right to contact her one more time and tell her that it's been 4 months, you've heard that she's been seeing someone else, and that you have been getting healthier and that the Bipolar type symptoms you had have been fading and you are feeling more like yourself. You can ask her if she would be interested NOT in coming back to how it was before but in dating you. Starting all over. Ask her if she would be willing to go out on a date with you.

If you don't hear from her within a week, then you know that it's time to move on.

I can't predict her reaction and I don't want to seem overly pessimistic. But I want to continue with offering help on what to do if she indeed has moved on and it's time for you to move on as well. Okay?

So let's focus on the goals, strategies, and plans you need to work on as you move on in finding Ms. Right.

Now for your life. Why do I say your life? Because you are not going to find Ms. Right by just looking for "a babe". You've got to treat finding Ms. Right as part of living YOUR life. You are clearly a man with values. You are not looking simply for sexual gratification. You are looking for a human being who wants to share her life with you and who values who you are and is attracted to you.

That's why we're going to focus on goals, strategies, and plans. I want you to take a sheet of paper or on the computer if you prefer and on that paper write your Healthy Relationship Goals. Examples: make 3 close friends in the next 3 months; or go on dates with interesting women at least 2-4 times in the next 3 months, etc. Because the more social you are, the more you build your ability to express yourself socially instead of just career wise, the more you will feel comfortable expressing yourself to Ms. Right on a date.

Next, I need you to take another sheet or underneath the goals in the same sheet write Strategies for my Healthy Relationship Goals. For each of the Goals, I want you to write strategies. For example, if your goal is to go out 4 times in 3 months, strategies might be: I want to identify the type of interests women you'd be interested in would have. Then I want to ask yourself where would they go to fulfill those interests. For example, if an interesting woman needs to be someone who is into fitness, then he would be a member of a fitness club. If she needs to like art, then she would be a member of the Art Museum and go to gallery openings. If she needs to be spiritually oriented, then she might need to be attending church or a meditation class.

Then, you need to write on a separate piece of paper or underneath each Goal and Strategy: Plans for how to succeed with your strategies. So to continue the example above, you might write: my plan is to go to the 6 most popular fitness studios and check them out to see what their membership looks like and what kind of activities are there. Or for art, I plan to join the Art Museum and to go to an art opening at a gallery at least twice per month and maybe 3 times. Or if you are interested in religion, checking out 3 congregations for active ones that have social events.

These are examples of strategies and plans. I'm trying to focus you on your life interests. What do you want to do to further your having a meaningful life? Remember, Ms. Right needs to fit into what's meaningful to you, so look for her in activities that bring out what's meaningful in your life. So I don't know if you will need this part of my answer or if she will respond that she's interested in going out on a date and getting to know you again.

Either way, I wish you the very best!

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