How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Ask Eleanor Your Own Question

Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
57558633
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Ask Eleanor is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am really feeling I am missing out on life. As I just turned

Customer Question

I am really feeling I am missing out on life. As I just turned 40, nobody seems attracted to me any more. My relationship is strained with no sex drive. My two year old agitates me. I am very nervous and think about and being terrified of dying. Not sure what to do about it and why I cant shake this feeling of getting older and this need to be accepted and liked.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.

Ask Eleanor :

Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Give me a moment to carefully read over your question.

Ask Eleanor :

You are having an existential crisis, midlife crisis. You are at the point in your life when you ask the question, "Is this all there is?" You are depressed and trying to drown your feelings in work and sex.

Customer:

Here is better clarity on the question:

Customer:


I am really feeling I am missing out on life. As I just turned 40, nobody seems attracted to me any more. My marital relationship is strained with no sex drive (maybe once in a year). My two year old agitates me even though I love her dearly and I feel guilty for missing out on these years. I am very nervous and think about and being terrified of dying nearly every day. Not sure what to do about it and why I cant shake this feeling of getting older and this need to be accepted and liked. However, I have no friends. I have a very pretty 22 year old assistant, who even though I have never even considered making moves on (which will never happen), it really bothered me when she told me about a guy she is dating. What's wrong with me and what can I do to make myself feel better about who I am and life in general?

Customer:

Yes..you are correct. I believe this is a midlife crisis.

Customer:

I never felt this way before..I am so unhappy and I think that shows with everyone.

Ask Eleanor :

Are you married?

Customer:

yes

Ask Eleanor :

Are you and your wife close emotionally?

Customer:

No, not at all. Nor physically. However, we kiss each other in the morning and kiss each other at night. She is extremely moody all the time. I never know what I am going to wake up too and I am on pins and needles everytime I am around her.

Customer:

she did get some help recently and the doctor put her on prozac. It seems to calm the intensity of her moods.

Customer:

she only takes it during her mentrual period

Ask Eleanor :

How long have you been married? How old is she?

Customer:

married for 15.5 years, she is turning 39 in a month

Ask Eleanor :

And you have the one child?

Customer:

Yes. a two year old girl.

Ask Eleanor :

And were you and your wife once close?

Customer:

It seems we were always strained. we didnt get along well the first year of marriage, but the second year and the years 8-10 seemed closer. The years in between were more like roommates.

Customer:

Her sex drive has always been abnormal too. perhaps 2-5 times a year.

Ask Eleanor :

Oh my, sorry.

Customer:

mine has been high, therefore it lead me to adultry many times.

Customer:

i rarely felt guilty about it as long as I wasnt emotionally attached to the others.

Customer:

sorry to be so blunt

Ask Eleanor :

No problem.

Ask Eleanor :

And you are the primary bread winner?

Customer:

yes, she does have a job. I married her when I lived in hungary back in 1996. We married with the intent of seeing how and if the relationship would work in the US.

Ask Eleanor :

I see.

Customer:

It never really did, but I felt responsible for bringing her out here. So I helped her get a college education and a good job so she could be independant here in the US without me, if that ever happened.

Customer:

Then two years ago, I was either going to have a child or divorce since I didnt see why were together.

Customer:

I know that sounds really silly, but I always knew, she would be a wonderful mother.

Customer:

and i invested so much time and years in the relationship and felt that even if it ended, being a single parent wouldnt be too bad.

Ask Eleanor :

Well, no wonder you having a mid life crisis. Can you live with this the rest of your life?

Customer:

I can. I won't kill myself. I will be unhappy but I don't understand why I keep thinking that I am so responsible for her.

Ask Eleanor :

Do you think she would go to couples therapy with you?

Customer:

I actually do now...I say that because she is finally starting to realize how her behavior is wearing on me. Her asking her doctor for prozac for example. I would say prior to two years ago..she would not consider it at all, thinks nothing is wrong with her.

Customer:

yet I am not sure, worried that I dont love her anymore.

Ask Eleanor :

Well, this is hopeful. Are you open to therapy with her?

Customer:

maybe that's a strong word, I love her for being the mother of my child.

Customer:

Yeah, but I dont know how to ask her.

Customer:

Nor do I know where to even find a good couples therapist.

Ask Eleanor :

If you will give me your city and zip code, I will recommend therapists for you.

Customer:

Ok, I live in Yorba Linda, 92886. We are not a very religious couple, although we both believe in God & Christ. We would be extraordinarily insulted if the therapist told us to "pray about it, give it to the lord...etc".

Customer:

I mean that in no disrespect if you are religious.

Ask Eleanor :

I am so happy to hear you feel this way. In my opinion "Christian Counseling" is an oxymoron!! Give me a few minutes and I will chat back with some names.

Ask Eleanor :

Any of the four would be a good choice. Do you have any further questions?

Customer:

So do you think that's it really? For midlife crisis, I just need couples therapy?

Ask Eleanor :

Well, not just. All of the therapists I recommended are experienced Marriage and Family Therapist which means that they will work with both of you on issues that are effecting your marriage. You may also need individual therapy, particularly if your couples therapy is not helpful. But I believe it is the place to start. If you end up having to leave the marriage and your child, you will know that you did everything you could to save the marriage.

Ask Eleanor :

I think you need a deserve a healthy intimate relationship.

Ask Eleanor :

I believe this is what your midlife crisis is mostly about, don't you?

Customer:

yeah, you are right. I think its a good starting point. are there any good resources on the internet that you would recommend for me to read about midlife crisis?

Customer:

(basically that was my last question)

Ask Eleanor :

I am not familiar with internet resources, but if you google the topic, I am sure you will find abundant information and books. Anything further?

Customer:

No...that's good. Thank you Eleanor.

Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience: Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
Ask Eleanor and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor
1378 Satisfied Customers
Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years