Hi Kate. I had my therapy appointment this evening. We spent most of the time in silence. I could tell she kept wanting to say stuff, but would stop herself. I asked her if I was supposed to say something, and she said I didn't have to unless I wanted. Then she said that she was trying not to say anything. I told her she could if she wanted. She asked me a few times what I was seeing or what I was thinking or what I felt, and I just didn't know. She had put a big box of tissues beside me, but I didn't cry. She told me that I didn't cry very much, and I told her I felt like I cried a lot there, and she said she didn't think so. I told her it was a lot for me. I told her I just couldn't release it. Like I know it might make me feel better, but I can't do it. I also told her it was awkward to cry in there when she's staring at me or staring down at her file. She said she could turn her back to me if that would help. I said it wouldn't and that it's not like she was doing anything wrong -- it's just awkward. She said she understands, that crying is a personal thing. She said that if I totally break down, that honestly she would probably sit there and cry along with me, that it was just really sad
But then we talked about how alone I feel when I start getting really emotional, and she told me I could call her if I get that way again, and I told her there was no way I was going to call her in the middleof the night. So I told her that if I felt like I was going to lose it, I would hold it off until my next appointment. Of course, I'm thinking that I won't be able to let go then, either. I just can't get over the hump. I'll get to the point where I feel like I will explode, but I stop.
Oh well. Maybe it means I just don't need to cry.
She also told me that sometimes there just aren't words. I did
appreciate that, because I just can't explain how I feel.
She gave me a pencil and paper and told me I could draw if I wanted. She also told me she was going to bring crayons or a sand tray on Wednesday. I told her there was no possibility I'd play with sand, and little chance I would draw anything. That's just not something I do. I didn't draw anything tonight, either. Just played with the pencil until I broke it. How can coloring with crayons possibly help?? Maybe if I broke all the crayons it would help, but .... Speaking of which, I did tell her I kind of felt like I would like to stab at least the one guy. She said "just once?"
She also said I could beat on the couch if I wanted, but I can't do that with her sitting there in the room.
I understand she's trying to push me off the emotional edge, and I also understand that this might bring me some kind of relief or help me move on ... but I don't know that I can get there. I can't force myself to break down. And when I'm in there thinking about my feelings, I just get confused mostly - I don't know what I'm feeling or why. So I spend most of the time thinking about my feelings, not feeling my feelings, if that makes sense.
She also wants me to go to a massage therapist who specializes in trauma - something about she knows how to get your body to release deep held feelings or something. She had asked if I ever got massages and I told her I did, and she asked if I had ever experienced deep feelings when getting a massage. I told her never. She said she really thought I should go to this massage therapist. Have you ever heard of this? Do you know what it is exactly?
Also, she and I agreed that as far as the strange internet forum messages , we will leave that be for now and deal with it later. I said that was fine -- I have no explanation and just thought it was creepy, so I have no desire to try to figure it out now anyway.
But things went better today, des[ite the bad night last night, I was so busy at work today that I didn't have a whole lot of time to think about things, and so I felt a lot better today. I am just praying and assuming I won't have another nightmare
like last night, If I wake up with another black eye or other injury, I'm going to have to move all my furniture or at least pad it. :)