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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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My fiance is in a sober living environment after completing

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My fiance is in a sober living environment after completing 30 days in rehab. Her therapist in IOP told her today she should focus on herself while there in sober living and not have any contact with me. I think this is ridiculous. What is your opinion of the situation
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.

Hello there, it is very common that people in sober living are asked to not contact anyone for a month. I understand that is hard but sometimes the addict can manipulate their loved ones to bring them alcohol or drugs. Also since alcoholism is a disease it affects the whole family, so this separation is needed to give some of the family members a break. Some treatment programs involve the whole family in the treatment. All family members receive therapy and attend groups separately from the addict. Treatments do separate the addict from the family member who is also called the co-addict. This will happen by the middle or end stages of the treatment. Your fiancé does not have any coping skills that will help her stay sober at this point. I understand that you want to be a supportive fiancé and want to be there for her but she will have to do this one on her own for the first month. I hope she can continue to be in recovery after that. Some treatment programs are better than others in keeping the family involved in treatment. I think having the family involved is very important in the late stages of treatment because it helps with family dynamics. Your fiancé will earn different levels when in treatment and she will be able to call you. I personally suggest that you see a therapist who specializes in addiction and that you join Al-anon meetings to help you receive some support.

Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience: I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
Penny Rayas, MFT and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Now that makes sense to me and today she told me that she is going to go with the advice of the counselor and not speak with me for the next 30 days. Perhaps a text here and there. What am I to do with the hurt that I feel inside other than speaking with my therapist. Am I being selfish? Am I being a baby or throwing myself a pity party because I am not getting what i want. Please be honest I want the truth. I think that I am affraid that if we do not have some form of communication our reltaionship will be done. Am I too insecure perhaps. I am sorry to bother you with this but i need some help. Should I continue to write her letters and send cards or is that too much. She told me she loves the cards so i guess i am confused
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.
Hello there, I think seeing a therapist of joining a AL-non meeting will help you with your worries. It is very hard to not communicate with someone you love for 30 days. I think you will also will need to see a therapist. Your relationship will not end because you don't communicate for 30 day if is a strong one. Most of the time I find out that partners may not like the person that the addict becomes when sober. You may find that she will not be the same person sober. I think it is time to focus on yourself. Learning all you can about yourself and reconnecting with friends and relatives is the best you can do. You will need to be healthy and happy and to have a lot of support to help someone who is recovering from addiction. Start something new this month such as a new activity you always wanted to do. The addict often becomes the senter of the co-addict's life so you will find your life feels empty. I think writing letters is a good idea but please limit them to once or two times a week.

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