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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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I want another baby but my husband does not. Im starting

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I want another baby but my husband does not. I'm starting to resent him and hate myself for feeling this way. We have two amazing children we both love but I can't get past this feeling that someone is missing. He's a wpnderful husband and father. he does not want anymore and has made that very clear but I can't get past this sadness and empty feeling at the thought of never having another child. I cry way too much about this and its been eating me up inside for many months.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

I think you are feeling that YOU deserve to have another child in your life. Now, you can best understand what is going on in your very private, personal mind if you concentrate very hard and locate the self-talk you engage in. What do you say to yourself about having a baby. I know you say things like, "someone is missing from the family yet". But what do you say to yourself about your husband's desire to be satisfied with two children. What are the resentment statements you say to yourself about him and his lack of desire for another child. You need the exact wording and quotes about them, and you should write them down. This will help you understand exactly what you are thinking and obsessing about, what causes you to cry, etc.

If you want to look at this situation in a very serious, objective way, and help uncover what your needs and motives are, then I have a self-test you can engage in. I want you to focus on the idea of meeting need for filling the empty spot in your family (3rd child) but in doing so, eliminate the highly personal, self-identity, baby-care need you have, which could be at the core of your distress. How to do this? If you want to approach this question rationally, a compromise here would be to adopt an early-teenage son or daughter. Ask yourself, if this was the only way for you to have the 3rd child, would you jump at the chance to take in the missing child this way i.e., say a 11 or 12 year old pre-teen? Logically, rationally, if someone is missing, and you NEED three kids rather than two, this way of adding a third child would move your personal, emotional needs for a baby out of the picture. Adoption would be a much more altruistic action--a fully unselfish action, which would fulfill the need you believe you have to take care of 3 kids rather than 2. It eliminates the short-term motive of infant-baby need as the possible, driving force behind your request of your husband, or the more selfish biological-genetic motive some parents have of seeing themselves reflected in the genes of their child. What do you think?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. Logically, I completely understand my husband's position and it makes sense to stick with two children. But emotionally that's a different story. Two children is the "normal" size family. We have one of each. They are getting older and our lives are getting a little easier so why disturb it by going back. I get all of that, but can't shake the feeling that I'm not done having children. I resent my husband because I feel like he isn't even considering my feelings, just his. I don't want to bring another child into this world if he isn't on board, but I don't want to look back in 20 or 30 years and have regrets either. I feel like you regret the things in life more that you don't do than those that you do. I've heard from others who have adult children now who wish they would have had more children and I don't want to look back and feel that way. I know of so many people who feel they are done and are completely at peace with that decision. When I try to convince myself that I'm done, all I feel is sad, and not done. I wish I felt done and like our family was complete, but I don't.

 

I know that part of my reasoning lies in the fact that I had three miscarriages before our daughter was born, and there's a part of me that feels that third child is still waiting to join us. Also, I grew up with a sister whom I'm extremly close to and there's a part of me that would love to give my daughter a sister. Of course, there are no guarantees that we'd have another girl and I know that. I also only have only one sibling and always wished I would have had another brother or sister. My husband has two sisters and is very close to both of them.

 

I guess I just need to find another outlet to channel my energy and hope that in time this feeling will go away. I just wish it wouldn't keep getting stronger. I've been wrestling with this internal war for about a year now and it has yet to get easier. I absolutely love being a mother and will try to channel my energy into the best mom that I can be to my existing children. If you have any suggestions as to what I can do when this very strong desire for another child comes around I'd really appreciate it. I really want to find a way to get past this and move on if I can.

 

Thank you!

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
Good luck with this struggle. I've had this internal sense of pressure to continue being a mother recited to me many times and each woman's motives are different. But, this DOES mean you are very likely an exceptional mother to the two children you do have right now.

let me know if I can be of further help. Please click on the green accept button at the bottom of the screen. Thanks.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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