Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
It is very normal to feel awkward when you are crying in therapy. You are there expressing a very deep feeling and although the therapist is there with you and understands why you are crying, you don't know how they feel about it. It is different with our friends and family because we feel on more of an even playing field with them. They will tell us what they think or feel. And a friend or family member will probably touch you in some way, either through a hug or a pat on the back. A therapist doesn't do those things.
It is perfectly fine to ask your therapist how she will react if you sob. You can also ask her how she feels about it. Though some therapists may feel it's not helpful to you if they discuss themselves, some will tell you the effect your crying has on them. I find it very helpful to tell people I talk with that their crying affects me deeply. Crying is a strong emotion that expresses deep sorrow and pain. And if I can't be affected by that as a therapist, I feel I am of no use to anyone I work with. But some therapists feel that allowing you to have the experience on your own is more helpful. And that is ok too.
Also, let her know you feel awkward about her looking at her files. It will allow her the opportunity to alter her reaction if she knows you are ok with it, or she can explain to you why she reacts that way so you know.
She may want you to sob because she knows you have held back for so long. You suffered through a horrible attack and held your feelings in for many years. Crying is a natural release of your deeper feelings and is a sign you are in touch with how you feel. Crying is healthy and can help you recover faster. She may also want to be there with you to guide you if you get in touch with your deeper feelings so you are not alone when you feel them.
Your therapist may also believe that allowing you to stay in the moment while you cry, so you can get in touch with your deeper emotions, is beneficial. Some therapists feel that if they interrupt you while you are in touch with your deeper feelings it would not allow you to reach the emotions and experiences underneath the crying.
So asking your therapist up front is a good idea so you can gauge what her reaction may be like.
It is also possible that you may need to know how she feels so you feel safer letting go. You have been through a very difficult time. You probably have a great need to feel safe. And crying makes you feel vulnerable. By understanding what she is feeling about your crying, you can create a safer environment for yourself.
It is always good to ask anytime you feel something needs clarified in therapy. It helps the connection between you and your therapist improve and allows you to feel safer expressing your feelings.
Let me know how it goes,