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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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]My son will not except that is relationship is over with is

Resolved Question:

]My son will not except that is relationship is over with is girlfreind she will not speak to him and he thinks she is seeing somebody else. I find it hard to reason with him
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Louise Brady replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I am a qualified Mental Health Nurse and would be happy to help with your question. What would you like to know about this?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
My son ,s relationship ended last sept he was pacing and contacting her freinds on face book .she came back just before xmas all was ok but he did not treat her well and she finished with him again because he did not want to go on holiday with her parents and he does get obsessive about her talking to boys. i have took him to our doctor who told him to excercise he already goes to the gym regular anyway. all he thinks about is getting her back and he ends up a angry young man he is 22 i cant get him to listen to reason he wants his mother to speak to her . she as blocked him from phoning i have spoke to her and i dont know what to do with him
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Other.
no reply
Expert:  Louise Brady replied 2 years ago.
Thank you. I am just traveling back and if possible will respond when I get a more permanent connection this early afternoon - hope that is ok?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I have to go out in while but will recieve on mobile thanx
Expert:  Louise Brady replied 2 years ago.
No problem, will be in touch later, thank you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
We cannot get our son to except that the relationship over
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

How long has this been going on? Is your son talking to anyone about this situation such as a psychologist? The worst thing anyone can do is to try to persuade him or argue with him that this is 'over'. There is a particular form of counseling or therapy that would help him with this being 'stuck' in this situation and non-acceptance; it is called motivational interviewing and works extremely well with people who are in 'denial' of the reality of their situation. It was developed by a psychology professor at the University of New Mexico about 16 years ago and has been studied in major clinical trials of resistant clients such as alcoholics, persons with eating disorders, and others who have difficulty accepting their problems. It does NOT attempt to persuade, teach, urge, coax, confront, etc.,which is what 99% of mental health counselors try to do.

I don't know if you are still around today or tomorrow to discuss this so I'll stop here and solicit your reaction.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
they finished in september were his reactions to things changed then his girlfreind came back in december just before xmas and its been over for approx 2 weeks. she will not speak to him and as blocked him of facebook he is pestering me and getting very agitated about me and my wife to take him to see her.i dont know what to do.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
So he is communicating with you and pestering you. What is he saying/doing exactly. Give me an example and I'll try to tell you what a proper approach would be. Now what was your response to his request of you to take him to see her? What was the circumstance here?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

He wants us to take her to see her and he as just seen me what I wrote on computer

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
I'd like to see your son go talk to someone about his predicament. He would really benefit from being able to step back and re-assess this situation, and this would keep him from doing something really self-defeating. How? Well, as just one example--- was working with a 25 year old guy a few weeks ago whose girlfriend had broken up with him. He didn't really understand that it was 'over' between them and that she had another boyfriend. So he went over to her house, attempted to talk to her, and the next thing he knew, he found he had charges facing him regarding 'stalking'. Now he has court, fines and other more serious problems facing him, and as an adult, he has this misdemeanor on his record. All over a girl he wanted to talk to and the fact that he misread the situation and had no idea where HER head was at.

Again, I think it would be wise for your son to realize that he needs to think about the consequences of everything he does and it is best to do this in conjunction with talking to someone who doesn't know him, who is completely unbiased, but who is smart and has experience with situations like his; this person can help him make appropriate plans. I realize that your son is currently believing that "if I can just talk to her, maybe I can explain things or persuade her to keep seeing me". But this belief HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT SHE BELIEVES and wants right now, and he has no idea what that is.

I can also tell you that when a woman blocks a guy from her phone or cuts him out of Face book, this means she is 'done' with him and has moved on. Usually means she has interests in another guy or has concluded that the relationship isn't enough of a good match for it to work. So this is a pretty clear indication, as any can be, that she wants nothing to do with him. Now, here is yet another example of why someone in your son's position has to be very careful and not do something he'll regret----she may have girlfriends prompting her to take out a stalking order against your son or get a restraining order. So going to see this woman is a really bad idea. The best he can do is attempt to write her and say whatever it is he wants to say. But talking to a therapist is a great idea because this individual can help him sort this stuff out, come up with any new ideas he hasn't thought about. But also, one issue he isn't examining yet is the rather unusual, extreme attachment he has developed with this woman as reflected by his inability to contemplate that the relationship might be over, and that this wasn't a good match----he may love her, but she don't seem to love him and this love has to be mutual----and it doesn't appear to be an longer. Talking to a therapist could help him learn to deal with these normal break-ups and disappointments better. Most guys have to go through 4-5 break ups like this before they have a stable, permanent relationship. Let me repeat that----4-5 more break-ups like this probably face your son, if he is an 'average' typical guy in his 20s. It is not a good sign that he isn't coping well with this one, so he needs some support and some help figuring all of this out. I'll pause here and solicit your feedback. Feel free to share this post with your son if you feel it will help. I, of course, do not know anything about your son but I have been doing this stuff for about 30 years now. I'll pause here and allow you or your son to respond. I'm sorry he is having to go through this.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks i will try and get him to speak to somebody I have read this to him he did not like it but i am going to try to get him to speak with someome he as calmed down a bit ,i just hope he will do as i ask.He needs to
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
Go ahead and print off my last post if you wish, trim it with a scissors if you need to to isolate it and give him a copy. He won't like what it says of course, as you found out, but I suspect he will re read it a few times in private. Good luck with this.

Let me know if I can be of further help. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen. Thanks.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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