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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am in therapy and taking medication for depression and anxiety.All

Resolved Question:

I am in therapy and taking medication for depression and anxiety.

All that aside I was in a love relationship for a little over two years.
I am 58 and my past wife died in 1999.
Since then I hadn't dated much but didn't find anything that seemed to be attractive to me.
I did isolate myself and it was work and single parenting my daughter from age 7 on.

Anyway this woman that I was in love with in college before I met my wife got in touch with me by finding me on the internet.

It was a bit of long distance but we met here and there and spoke everyday and Skyped on the weekends. Early on I knew I was back in love with her. She expressed the same and that she, as I did, wanted to be in the same place together.

After two years we both met in our mutual home state and met each other's families.
After that she calls me from home and says she wants out and that she wanted to go back to being happy the way she was a year ago without me.

No indication of this coming,,of course I could be blind... but she gave a lot of different excuses ...but in the end I accepted that it wasn't meant to be. It has been hard. This was the happiest I had been in 12 years.

I later found out through my obsessing about her that she had been seeing someone else sporadically while we had agreed to be mutually exclusive. That hurt as well of course.

I think perhaps she had enough feelings for me or that she just had a difficult time telling me that this was a more casual thing for her and saying I love you meant a different thing to her. My anger is that I had brought up the distance as perhaps being a problem and if she met someone in her town while we were figuring out the logistics of being together she should tell me. I would be sad about it but could understand.

We had visited each others home towns 2 times each for a week each as well as flew to halfway points another 4 times for a week each. I told her I was all hers and felt the same from her.

OK I have been making progress and have been practicing the no contact rule since Christmas when I sent her a brief card wishing her the best for her future. She responded with an email which I didn't answer out of self-discipline. ( Oh she cut it off in late july and we had some email exchange about it for a couple of months. I was obviously more devasted since she wanted to leave and I didn't but that is the way it is. I told her and meant it that even though it hurt I was glad to have been a part of her life for what time we had.)

Now to the a question... Finally...thought you might want some background.

She has used photos that I took of her for her Face book and another site. She also has used the exact same website template for her webpage as the one I had. She could have chosen out of hundreds if not thousands. The Pics are special to me because they were of places we were together celebrating our love. Outdoors. etc. I can appreciate the fact that she might like them as good photos but she has many friends that can take photos of her.

1. Could she possibly be sending me a message ...since she obviously has trouble communicating emotional stuff directly...that she still has feelings for me? Am I reading too much in to this?
2. Would it be appropriate to contact her through the mail, explain that I am still having many strong emotions about this and that even though I should stay away from her facebook and website ... I am gettin better at this.... could she please use some other photos since there are so many emotions and feelings I have attached to these images.


I feel like I am being played or that perhaps even worse she has no concept of how deeply I feel for her and is oblivious to that. She has moved on I believe but these are painful for me. Even after she called it off she sent me poems and then was upset when I responded with those of my own. She said they were too painful for her especially since she was involved. It seems like she only wants things on her terms without consideration for my feelings.

My therapist says to forget about it and just not go to those sites. I am getting better at it but ....

What say you?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

I am sorry this happened to you. This woman betrayed you when she could have just been honest and let you know that the relationship wasn't going to work for her.

 

From your description of this woman's behavior, it sounds like she is thinking only of herself. She cheated on you and lied to you and doesn't seem sorry about what she did, which is a sign of someone who has traits of self centered behavior. Now she is using photos you took of her during your time together and using a template that you had for yourself. This type of behavior shows that she is not thinking of how you feel at all. She should be aware that you are hurting after what she did. If she cared, she would take these things down and move on.

 

It does not sound like she is trying to send you a message. It sounds more like she is being insensitive or maybe even baiting you. It may be that she wants to hear that you were on her Facebook account so she can feel you still care about her or feel she is important. Meanwhile, she is hurting you and does not seem to care about what she is doing.

 

It is hard to move on from a relationship when you love the person. You want to have hope that there is still something there. And if you give up, you have to face feeling the grief that comes after the end of a relationship. But although facing the end of the relationship is hard, it is better than never knowing where you stand with her and always wondering if you have a chance to be with her again. And most likely, she would just end up hurting you again if you were with her.

 

I agree with your therapist. If you can, do not look at her accounts. The more you look, the more you will be hurt. Try to find something else to distract you so you don't go on. You may also want to make your account private so she cannot see it or contact you again. The more she has access to you, the more she will keep playing games with you.

 

Unless she is truly sorry for what she did to you and makes amends, she is going to keep hurting you. It is best to cut off all contact and move on. She may try to get you to come back by contacting you, but ignoring it is your best option. Otherwise she will keep finding ways to hurt you.

 

It may also help you to explore why you feel the need to keep having contact with her even when it hurts you. Your therapist may be able to help you find out if you feel there is something missing in your life or you have unmet needs. That way, you can focus on feeling better and it will help you move on for good.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX been exploring my own issues with need and the dependancy on another for happiness.. Self esteem and such has been an issue all my life. Although I am feeling much better now. Stronger.

It's just that so many times I have held my tongue and not expressed my feelings when angered or hurt... especially in love relationships....that I wonder if I am bending over and letting her go without letting her hear my feelings about this. You know....express the anger.

This has been a good positive learning experience. You know you find out more about yourself sometimes through these challenges than when all seems smooth.

I believe for the most part I have let go. Also I learned that I had been over medicated and since dropping a couple of meds I have been less emotionally up and down.

 

With all the reading and journaling and talk therapy it all leaves me wondering what's wrong with expressing my feelings. I know all advice is to the contrary. Cut it off and realize that I may not ever have an explanation or understanding of all the reasons and my own subtext is still most likely wanting back her and all the possibilities for our future that we talked about....still hoping. It's is so complicated because so much seemed so right and at my age I have come to realize 2 things: A connection like what I felt with her doesn't come around too often and that no one is perfect. ,,,,althougth the direct communication issue is so important to me. As you can probably tell I am quite talkative.

 

I guess I will write the letter and not send it as I have been doing in the past. Somedays get the better of me and I want to let her know exactly what I feel. Both the love and the anger. The group I am in is helping immensely and I do, perhaps too much so , discuss this too often. This last thing with the photos and art website just seemed to blow me away. Since I was the main one reaching out for sometime and recieving very distant responses.... So confusing.

 

How do you feel about sending a letter expressing clearly my desires about thephotos and nothing else expressed and if she responds or not leave it go at that? I like sending cards and letters snail mail so it also gives me time to think. Well I guess you have already said stay away from the sites. We already are defriended and all but I need to let some of it, in fact most of it public as I use it primarily for my professional resource feeds in a less formal way.

 

Well that should give you enough of an idea of my obsessing about her. But with in the last few weeks I have been able to focus much better and have been getting out and getting some interviews for a new position. So not all is bad. The computer is so dangerous in these situations as I do a lot of research on postions and so a check on her isn't far away.

But that has subsided.

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It is perfectly fine if you want to communicate your feelings to her, as long as you are prepared for whatever response she has to your letter, even if that is none at all. Writing her needs to be for you, so you can clear your mind and feel that you had a chance for closure. If you are looking for a response from her, you may get it, but it could be something that makes you feel worse.

 

Also, if you communicate with her, she may feel it is ok to say something back to you. If she does, it may hurt you. Or she may try to get back with you. As long as you have gone over what you would do in each possible scenario, then you should be fine.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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