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Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate -- sorry. I have another question. I have believed for

Resolved Question:

Kate -- sorry. I have another question. I have believed for all these years that what happened had not really affected my life path or anything, and it has been made clear to me that this was not true. I am kind of trying not to worry abut that right now -- I'll deal with that later, aftre I get through this intense time. But one issue with that is my therapist said that it has skewed my understanding/view of sex. She is almost certainly right. I have no idea what a normal sexual relationship would even be like. She said I have discounted it and think it is not something I want all this time, but if I knew what a normal, loving sexual relationship was, I would know I have cheated myself. It is true. I don't understand a lot. I had no idea until recently that actual intercourse could be enjoyable for a woman. I guess I thought that women did it because they wanted to get pregnant or because it felt good for the guy, and it was kind of a trade-off, because you would want your husband to feel good. My therapist said that's not true at all. She also said that I need to understand that in a normal, loving relationship, that I could say no or stop or go or whatever at any time, and that someone who cared for me would do what I wanted/not do what I didn't want.

Frankly, I assumed I was gay, since I didn't have any desire to be intimate with a man, and am drawn to caring and protective women. However, I think that may be more of a maternal thing -- my parents are and were not affectionate and were/are not too compassionate. I find that most of my friends are actually my parents' age. Anyway, it has confused me a lot, especially because I am a Christian. And lately, I am super curious about sex with men. I can't imagine I would trust someone/feel comfortable eough to have sex with them, but I kind of want to experience normal and enjoyable sex. But, of course, being a Christian, I understand I should be married. Also, the only men I trust and feel close to are married. Sorry for the rambling .... I am confused about all this.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

S,

 

I am always happy to answer any question you have. You can ask me anything.

 

Your therapist is right. A normal loving relationship with someone you love brings you as much happiness as it does the person you are with. Sex is supposed to be something both people enjoy. That does not mean there are not issues, because everyone brings something into a relationship with them, whether than is past abuse, a trauma or just certain beliefs about relationships and sex. But the love you feel with the right person can overcome those problems and make your sex life satisfying.

 

There are also many relationships where the woman enjoys sex more than the man does. Our society's views are such that we believe the man is always sex driven and the woman more "accepting" of his needs. But that is not true. Women can have a very strong sex drive as well and the man can not be interested at all.

 

If your parents were not affectionate or compassionate, then you were not getting all of your needs met growing up. Children have many needs but the ones besides the basic food, clothing and shelter, is the need to be loved. This is expressed in many ways by the child's parents or caregivers. Telling the child they are loved and showing them they are loved through actions are the two main ways. If you did not get either one or only one of those, then you were left wanting. Your relationship with older adults may be your way to try to fill that gap.

 

You may only want to be with married men because they are safer. You could feel that single men will want to view you as a possible partner. They may see you as a potential mate, which would mean closeness and sex. These things may frighten you or bring up feelings about your past so you avoid them by sticking close to married men, who already have a mate and therefore do not need to see you in any way but a friend.

 

Kate

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So, should I just wait until this other stuff passes, and worry about this later? Is my questioning my sexuality normal? I talked to my therapist about this, and she was really surprised that I was feeling this and that I was honest about it.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You can work on how you feel by desensitizing yourself to being with single men and/ or starting a relationship. Your therapist can help you develop a step by step program to help you and I will certainly help in any way I can. Or you can set it aside until you feel you are ready to deal with it. It is up to you and what you feel you need right now.

 

Questioning your sexuality is normal given your circumstances. You did not receive the appropriate affection as a child so you may feel drawn to maternal or caring and protective females as a result. This is a way to get your unmet needs addressed. I'm not sure if this is so much about your preference than it is about getting what you need emotionally. You mentioned a curiously about a relationship with men as well. So right now, because of what you went through, being confused about what you want would be normal.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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