Kate -- sorry. I have another question. I have believed for all these years that what happened had not really affected my life path or anything, and it has been made clear to me that this was not true. I am kind of trying not to worry abut that right now -- I'll deal with that later, aftre I get through this intense time. But one issue with that is my therapist said that it has skewed my understanding/view of sex. She is almost certainly right. I have no idea what a normal sexual relationship would even be like. She said I have discounted it and think it is not something I want all this time, but if I knew what a normal, loving sexual relationship was, I would know I have cheated myself. It is true. I don't understand a lot. I had no idea until recently that actual intercourse could be enjoyable for a woman. I guess I thought that women did
it because they wanted to get pregnant or because it felt good for the guy, and it was kind of a trade-off, because you would want your husband to feel good. My therapist said that's not true at all. She also said that I need to understand that in a normal, loving relationship, that I could say no or stop or go or whatever at any time, and that someone who cared for me would do what I wanted/not do what I didn't want.
Frankly, I assumed I was gay, since I didn't have any desire to be intimate with a man, and am drawn to caring and protective women. However, I think that may be more of a maternal thing -- my parents are and were not affectionate and were/are not too compassionate. I find that most of my friends are actually my parents' age. Anyway, it has confused me a lot, especially because I am a Christian. And lately, I am super curious about sex with men. I can't imagine I would trust someone/feel comfortable eough to have sex with them, but I kind of want to experience normal and enjoyable sex. But, of course, being a Christian, I understand I should be married. Also, the only men I trust and feel close to are married. Sorry for the rambling .... I am confused about all this.