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David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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I Live in Africa. Ive been in a long distance relationship

Resolved Question:

I Live in Africa. I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl in a different country. Things were so good between us. I was visiting her every 2 months for 2 to 3 weeks. And we were talking on daily basis via telephone. Last week I met her parents. After that she broke up with me for her parents didn't want her to go to Africa. I'm so down. Not sleeping, thinking too much. Please help.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 4 years ago.

Duddy :

Welcome, I am a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this right now.....

Duddy :

Do you have a few minutes to chat so that I can better understand the situation and problem you are describing?

Duddy :

Thought I'd check back to see if you've had a chance to respond. Again, I'd like to chat with you for a few minutes if that's ok. Let me know 1 or 2 times that are best for you.

Duddy :

Checking in with you again and I realized that you are in Africa so the time zone must be very different. I will check back in with you here around 7AM EST (my earliest). I look forward to chatting with you and to answering your question.

Duddy :

I haven't had an e-mail notification of our return for chat, but is shows that you were here at 5:07. Please let me know when we can chat so I can get a better understanding of your question and provide my best possible answer.

Duddy :

....

DuddyH :

Checking in again. Shows you were last on this page 10:51 but no chat response. I'll check back again shortly.

Customer:

I am online. I will be waiting for you.

DuddyH :

Thank you.

DuddyH :

I just saw your return.

Customer:

Hey

DuddyH :

Would you mind telling me more about the situation you're describing?

DuddyH :

How are you doing right now?

Customer:

Ok

Customer:

I met a girl in October 2010. We met for coffee. We had a chat them I traveled back to Africa.

Customer:

We were talking on daily basis from Africa.

Customer:

Things were going so fine between us

Customer:

I was traveling every 2 months to see her

Customer:

and we were spending amazing time together

Customer:

Last time when i was in Lebanon

Customer:

I met her parents

Customer:

She waited for me to travel than she told me her dad didn't accept her to go to Africa

Customer:

and she has to break up

Customer:

What is weird is that she knew that I was living there

Customer:

in Africa

Customer:

I just don't get it

Customer:

She told me she wants us to remain friend

DuddyH :

Do you have access to short term solution focused counseling in Burkina Faso?

Customer:

Honestly I'm not sad coz I lost her I'm just sad the way she manipulated and fooled me all this time

Customer:

No

Customer:

I was honest with her from the start

DuddyH :

I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. It must be very difficult for you.

DuddyH :

How do you know that she was manipulating you or fooling you? Is it not possible that she didn't know that her parents would react that way?

Customer:

Yeah maybe

DuddyH :

So how can I best help you today; - what is your basic question here?

Customer:

I need to move on and I just can't.

Customer:

she's still texting me

DuddyH :

and she wants to be friends still?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

but i don't believe in friendship with an ex

DuddyH :

Sounds to me like you need to go through a grieving process right now so that you can get over the loss of the relationship then.

DuddyH :

It is a very difficult process, but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. I have suggested to clients I've worked with that they take a 30 day communication break in such situations...

DuddyH :

That way you are not having your negative emotions triggered while you get over the relationship....

DuddyH :

Let me get you a couple of links so you can study and understand the process and the steps of getting over such an emotional attachment...back in a few moments, then I'll share some more proven tips....

Customer:

ok

DuddyH :

Here is the first link. A very good break down of the steps: http://kathrynvercillo.hubpages.com/hub/Relationships-Ending-The-Five-Stages-of-Grief

DuddyH :

Here is another basic explanation of the stages or steps of getting over a break up: http://www.livestrong.com/article/125548-stages-grief-after-breakup/

DuddyH :

From what you've described in your original question and then in chat is sounds like the anger and sadness steps. It's important to know that these stages can come up in various orders. Some people will feel angry, then go into a period of bargaining and sadness and even some acceptance and then back again. The best grieving studies tell us clearly that these are the steps but they take place in different orders and different intensities for different people.

DuddyH :

It is a painful process at times, like having a bad flu or sickness. But if you take care of yourself you can and will get over it in a shorter period of time...

DuddyH :

It is very important to 1) take a communication break for at least 1 month, 2) really study the grieving process so you know what stage you are in at a given moment; 3) really take care of your self - for example - don't drink alcohol or use any drugs during this time because they are proven to make things worse; - get lots of rest (sleep at least 8 hours every night); 4) Make sure to spend lots of time with friends and family who really care about you; 5) eat very healthy until you start to really feel better again...

DuddyH :

Once you get strong again emotionally, you may consider having a strong healthy friendship with this girl or maybe not that will be up to you....

DuddyH :

Social support is very, important. There are 2 kinds. The first is where you actually talk about your negative feelings with caring friends and family members. The second is just hanging out with people who really care about you. Getting exercise regularly is really good too. You can always go for a brisk walk or hike with a friend or family member and just talk it out when you feel down...

DuddyH :

Now that is a lot of information. Do you have any other questions about the grieving process?

DuddyH :

Here is another link from the University of Alberta in Canada. Very good resource and information - http://tinyurl.com/78wcqzd

DuddyH :

Are you still there?

DuddyH :

Well you haven't responded in for about 10 minutes. I assume that you may be reading the links I provided or you may be doing something else right now....

DuddyH :

I sure hope that you have found my detailed answer to my question helpful. Please do not forget to press the green "Accept" button so that I am paid for my time researching and answering your question. If you feel I've left something out, please let me know and I will work to improve my answer until it is fully acceptable to you.

Customer:

Thank you so much for your help

DuddyH :

You are very welcome!

DuddyH :

I wish you the very best in your emotional grieving and recovery process.

David Akiva and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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