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David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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My wife feels as though she has lost herself, she is mother

Resolved Question:

My wife feels as though she has lost herself, she is mother to our 8 year old and wife to me but she says she doesn't have anything for herself. She was a stay at home mom in school for three years and she just started working the past year. I had to work a lot to keep up and still do. We work different shifts so we have child care. She says she wants to leave but she is not sure whether it is the best thing for her. I love her very much but I just don't know what to do. Can you help .

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 4 years ago.

Duddy :

Welcome, I am a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant.....

Customer: Hello
Duddy :

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this right you mind telling me a bit more about the problem you're describing?

Customer: No problem
Duddy :

Thank you.

Customer: She just seems distant when I ask her about it she says she just feels like she has lost herself
Customer: She is upset a lot when I'm off most off the time now I just take my son and we hang out because she just doesn't have the patience to deal with him asking for her company, playing video games or watching tv with him.
Customer: I talked to her Monday about it and she keeps saying it is her and nothing I did
Duddy :

You show here as typing still so I'm just waiting for your next response.

Customer: I know she is upset lately because I have been working a lot to stay employed pretty much because of lack of personnel. But I explained this to her she sees my shift schedules, knows when I'm working and can reach me when she calls, but I don't know what is going on that would make her want to just pull up and go. We have been struggling for the past five years during her schooling and buying a house and everything else but now that we are getting better it seems as though she is ready to just give up.
Customer: Sorry I'm finished
Duddy :

I think that the most important step here is to get a very clear understanding of what your wife needs from the relationship that she is not getting right now. There may have been some emotional injury over time during all the stress you've described. The best available relationship science and marital therapy research tells us that a spouse can begin to disconnect emotionally when important relationship needs are not met over time. Many people don't even know what they really need or needed from a relationship so they don't know how to ask clearly.

Duddy :

I've worked with many couples where one partner experiences this kind of emotional disconnection and were unaware of why. It often takes a few sessions of counseling to really find out what is missing and why....

Duddy :

In a smaller number of cases, there can be other problems like depression that cause a dampening of the couple's emotional connection.

Duddy :

Is there anyway that you can get to couples counseling with your wife?

Duddy :

A good evidence-based couples counselor will be able to screen your wife for things like depression and help you guys to figure out what went wrong and to repair any emotional injuries or disconnections that have taken place over time.

Customer: Possibly , I can try to schedule some time of to do so.
Customer: Thank you
Duddy :

I would suggest EFT for couples if possible. It's the best available couples therapy and gets the best most lasting results, usually in an average of 9 sessions. Let me get you some links...

Duddy :

Here's the international find a therapist page:

Duddy :

One last suggestion would be to set up a few date nights to read the following book together:

Duddy :

It's easy to read and actually guides the couple through a structured conversation that focuses on the couples emotional connection and relationship needs. There are questions at the end of each short chapter. I recommend that couples take turns reading a chapter to each other and answering the questions together at the end of each chapter over a week or so. You can usually find the book in your local library.

Duddy :

You might also want to make sure that your wife sees your family doctor if you don't go to couple's counseling to rule out any medical issues like clinical depression.

Duddy :

Does that make sense?

Customer: I will check it out thank you
Duddy :

Your very welcome. Please don't forget to press the green "Accept" button if you are satisfied with my answer. I wish you and your family the very best!

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