This will pass. You have had many times where you felt better and even felt hopeful. You can feel that way again.
Have you tried some of the options we talked about before? If not, you may want to do try them. They will help. It may taking you putting one foot in front of the other today, but as you go through the motions (the emotions do not have to be there yet and will come later), you will find it gets easier.
Try reaching out to someone. Call your boyfriend or talk to a friend. If there is someone to talk to at your church, try calling them. Sometimes having contact with someone else can make you feel less alone and provide to boost you need to feel better.
Also, consider trying an online support group,even if it's just for today. It provides someone to chat with who understands how you feel. And they are available 24 hours a day.
Write your feelings down. Don't hold back and let it all go.
Go out and do something. Get a coffee, see a movie, or just get some milk for home. Say hi to the check out worker. Make eye contact with others and smile. You may just get a few smiles or hellos in return. Just the contact alone will help.
Distract yourself from the cutting. When you feel like cutting, tell yourself that cutting is not your only option. You have other choices. List them so you know your options. You also have people that care.
Identify the feeling that is driving you to cut yourself. Are you feeling depressed, angry or lonely? How can you address these feelings in another way that is more healthy?
Eat a piece of dark chocolate. It has natural mood boosting chemicals that may help take the edge off your feelings.
Try these things and see if they help. Let me know how you are feeling.
Okay I will try but I don't really want to. I just feel so terrible it is scaring me. I don't have the energy to go out so I will see if I can try one of your other suggestions. I know the feeling is sadness. I don't know what I want with my life. Often I wish I didn't have one at all. I realize this is a terrible thing to say for our lives are a gift but I cannot help the way I feel.
I know you don't want to do any of these things. That is the nature of depression. Low motivation, low energy (which feels like no energy) and feeling fearful are common symptoms. The key is not to believe what the depression is telling you. This is a feeling but it is not who you are. You are Kathy, a good person, a mother to a wonderful daughter, a good friend and girlfriend. You are smart and capable. That is who you are.
Your thoughts are in control of how you feel. What you are thinking is telling your emotions how to react. So by changing your thinking (by following the options we talked about) you can change how you feel. Talking, writing and moving around are all ways to help push yourself to feel better.
Remember, one foot in front of the other. That is all you need to do today.
Kate, I am so tired of trying so hard to keep going. I keep waiting for the day when I don't have to exhaust myself just to get dressed and moving. I think if it not for my daughter I may have given up trying by now. But she is the one and only that I cannot desert.
I got through the day some how. Now I just want bedtime to come. I am so scared about my physical tomorrow. My therapist told me to look at the doctor to remind mysef that it isn't my attacker but a professional trying to help me. I will try but just the thought of being so vulnerable is terrifying to me.
I'm also terrified of my boyfriend coming into town tomorrow. I don't handle this well at all. He knows my history and has never pushed intimacy but I feel like a failure because I cannot provide him with much in the way of contact. I'm just not ready. Maybe I should be but I'm not. So either I make sure someone else is always around (i.e. my daughter) or I just pretend to not mind him touching me and let him but feel bad and extremely sad.
I think my life is too complicated. I wish I had no responsibilities and could just sleep my life away. And to think I used to be kind of funny and extremly adventurous.
p.s. Thanks fo the kind words about what kind of person I am. I don't think they are true but they were nice all the same. I used to think I was smart but a smart person would be able to get on with their life unlike me.
I think your therapist is right. Seeing your doctor as someone who is there to help you and not hurt you is the best way to get through. No one is thrilled to go to those types of exams and if you were happy about it, I'd be worried. But when you add the trauma you have been through, how you feel makes sense. It also makes it more difficult. Try taking it one moment at a time. And remember, you are in control. It's not like being attacked where you have no say so. You can say stop and the doctor will stop. Knowing you have control can help a lot.
It is the same with your boyfriend. He may feel sad about your situation, but he does understand. If you feel upset about not being able to touch him and have him touch you, try other ways of expressing how you feel. Romantic dinners, gifts and just saying how you feel can mean a lot. Make sure that he understands you feel nervous about being touched but that you want to express how you feel in other ways. It may help you feel better and closer to him.