I understand your feelings about your exam on Friday. Those exams are not easy for anyone, but when you add what you went through with the sexual assaults, it makes it all the more difficult.
It's good your doctor knows your history. That helps. Is there anyone else you can take with you, maybe a female relative or friend? Sometimes that extra support can make you feel less anxious.
Also, keep reminding yourself that you are allowed to stop the exam anytime you feel overwhelmed by it. You are the patient here and therefore you are in charge. It is your body and you have the final say so.
You can also try to distract yourself as much as you can. Bring an MP3 player with you that has soothing music on it. If you have an IPOD, watch a comedy skit. Count in your mind or think of floating on a cloud. Whatever works for you. The more distracted you are, the faster the exam will go.
You also mentioned seeing your boyfriend this weekend and being fearful of intimacy. It helps to remember you are in charge here as well. You can always stop any attempt he makes at intimacy. He will understand, especially since he knows what you went through. Practice with him if it makes you feel better. Have him touch you on the arm then say stop. See what he does and how he reacts. Then have him touch you on the shoulder and do the same thing. Keep going until you feel more comfortable with his touch. It will help you build trust with him when you feel you have more control.
Risperdal is a medication that is prescribed to help with mood disorders or symptoms related to schizophrenia. It works by changing the brain chemistry to help the person feel better.
Taking this medication on the lowest possible dose should be just enough to help you. As long as you are monitored closely and don't show any severe side effects, you should be fine.
I know this will sound strange but I feel that by taking that medication to ease my mind about going crazy, I will go crazy. I don't feel secure in taking it which was the purpose of giving it to me. I don't know what to do.
I just took some of my meds so that I could sleep the day away. I took ones I usually take at bedtime which I know was wrong but I just can't face another day right now. I want to sleep my life away.
There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Many people who are anxious fear going crazy. It is a very common symptom of an anxiety based disorder to feel the way you do. But you are not crazy. If you were, your therapist would be able to tell, your doctor would know and I could tell as well. Plus you probably would not be worried about. Most people who are insane do not worry about being crazy.
The medication cannot make you crazy either. Medication can cause very bad side effects, but making you crazy is not one of them. If anything, the medication calms you and may make your thinking clearer. It works by improving the brain chemicals and therefore makes your symptoms lessen. And besides if the medication made you feel worse, you could always stop it. As soon as it's out of your system, the side effects would dissipate.