As far as the PTSD symptoms now -- well, I've had the nightmares for years. The "new" things are that these visuals of parts of what happened run through my head in the daytime now. That's not brand new. That started a few months ago. And then sometimes it's not visual things, but just thoughts or feelings. I don't really know what the feelings are, but I know they're linked to that. And, I told you that things like men touching me or guys walking by my car put me into a kind of "alert" mode, which is brand new. Sometimes, when we are talking about some specific part in therapy, I almost feel like it's happening and a few times, I even felt pain, which is kind of freaky. Most of all -- I am just thinking about it, in one way or another, all the time now. It's becoming an unhealthy obsession, I feel. It's like I'm fixated on it right now (a good example of this is that I am chatting with you between appointments instead of getting my work done). This week it is taking so much effort just to come to work, meet with people, etc. and not cry. On Friday, I about flipped out because the mug from which I drink my coffee every morning, that I've used for over 10 years, has cracks in it. It was from my dad's bank, so I had to call him and ask him to send me another one. I told him I had to have one, but he said they didn't have them anymore. Fortunately, one of his VPs had one in her office and said I could have it. Now --- I realized afterwards that this was ridiculous (and of course my dad told me it was strange and ridiculous -- but all the same, he's sending it to me). So I am clearly overreacting to things. Also, I have absolutely no desire to be around anyone, and I am exhausted from acting like everything is great. I sing in our praise band at church (and play the drums sometimes), and I just told them I'm not coming for the next few weeks and that they needed to have someone fill in for me. I find myself purposely baiting and pissing off my friends. My best friend (who I live with - she's the nicest person you'd ever meet -- 25 years older than me and we get along great) -- I haven't been pissing her off, because her dad is on hospice dying, and her mom just died 5 months ago, so I have to make sure she doesn't see anything wrong, because she is dealing with a ton and she needs to lean on me. So I can't talk to her about any of this right now. It wouldn't be fair. But that also requires me to be around people, when I help out with her dad. But I really pissed off our music minister (the friend I told the whole thing to), and I realized that I did it on purpose. I wanted him to be pissed at me so I could have some reason to be pissed at him. Now, is that dumb or what?
I'm just not used to all these things. I feel like I'm out of control. I want to go back to when it was all tucked away and back to the numbness, but I can't seem to do it. I need to get some solid footing here really shortly. I cannot stand not being in control. I think a lot of it is that I'm so tired from not sleeping and so tired from having to act like everything is great.
About hte ADD - yeah. I was glad about that. My primary asked me about it - but I was having concentration problems because of what's going on. I thought it was ridiculous, but when I mentioned it to my best friend, who was a teacher, she said "well...." and we looked it up. I didn't think I could have gotten through law school with ADD. It just never dawned on me. But I read some stuff by ADD lawyers explaining how they felt and a lot of it was exactly like me. I keep lists and calendars almost neurotically, and I think that's how I compensated. My therapist gave me a test thing, andI took it to the psychiatrist. At first, the wellbutrin didn't work - but when she upped the dose, it worked right away. I couldn't believe it. It was like this haze I had in my brain (that I never knew I had) lifted. Pretty awesome. In retrospect, everything in my childhood behavior would have been a red flag nowadays, but back then, ADD wasn't really an issue.
As far as my nightmares go, as I said, I've had them forever. But now they are different. It was always re-experiencing what happened, either as though it were happening to me or watching it. But now they are changing. My therapist says that part of my problem is that she thinks my nightmares are inaccurate --- that they are out of context, in accentuating certain things and not others, and so for the last however many years, since I had blocked away the actual memories and never thought about it consciously, that I relied on my nightmares as my memories and therefore have a skewed perception of things. Makes sense, I guess.
About the sobbing -- I don't know. I really don't want to get out of control in therapy. And I don't know what she'd do. What would she do? Right now, she just puts tissues in my hand and either stares at me or looks down at her file. I'm not sure what she'd do if I lost it. I told her last evening she needed to change the subject because I was abot 60 seconds away from losing it, and she asked if I wanted to ose it, and I of course said no. Then, thankfully, my phone started making a quackng noise, which ligtened things up. And she did change the subject. She has told me it is okay to cry and that it is appropriate. I have cried in there. But I felt like I had to ask her if it was okay to cry. I didn't know whether her handing me tissues and becoming silent was her way of saying "stop crying." The first time I cried, she cried. I couldn't really tell if she was crying or had allergies, so I asked her the next time. She said she couldn't help it and apologized. But I thought it showed empathy. It was kind of nice. So - I don't know what she would do if I started sobbing. It would be awkward sobbing with someone staring at me. It's awkward enough if it happens at home by myself.
As far as the sadness - I don't know what it is. I don't know if it is even sadness. I do feel alone. Especially now because I have to hide how I'm feeling. And sometimes I feel like I'm 21 again, and after that happened, I felt so alone - the most alone I've ever felt - even though I lived in a house with 30 other girls and went to class every day with a bunch of people. I still felt really alone. So sometimes now that comes back and I feel the same. Otherwise, I don't know what I feel, except confused and out of control and angry at myself. There are a few parts of the whole thing which really bother me. I discussed them last week in therapy. They involve my offering myself to him in 2 different ways. That's something I see often.
Okay ... well I really better get some work done before my next client.