Ok, I'm guessing you received my revised post which went into this subject into greater detail..correct? If not, I will give you this right here. Thanks. My reply is below this longer explanation of my current situation. Thanks again.
I've been dating my gf for a few months now. She's an absolutely amazing woman. She has everything I seek in a partner, except for her sexual past. I'd like to clarify that we are 27 and both have been in previous relationships.
My problem is not that she's been with other people before me, but the actual number. I've always held myself to a certain standard when it comes to this, but being with her and knowing her sexual past has taken me outside of my comfort zone. Now, her sexual past is very similar to mine, but mine is slightly more promiscuous - I feel a bit of a hippocrit here, and I know it. I just can't seem to get this out of my head because, like I said, I'm used to dating girls who haven't been with many guys. For the record, she voluntarily gave me this information which I very much respect her for. She's very comfortable with who she is.
She's a very successful girl, with a great job and great family. Her parents were divorced when she was 7 or 8 due to her fathers alcohololsim. Dispite her parents divorce, she remained very close to her Dad - even her brothers and mom remain close to him.
Everything is absolutely great between us. She's an extremely caring and loving person, and shows her love to me everyday. I've found lately, though, that I can't get her history out of my head. We've had a discussion about it, and she was surprisingly very open to discuss, in general, her past. She was in a long relationship, six years, which was always off and on. She would date in between breakups. She would always find something wrong with the guy/or she didn't see a future with him and break it off. She also told me she's only had one one night stand. She dated before and after the six year break up. I know she lost her virginity at 17 which is quite normal. I guess I'm troubled that she could go through so many sexual partners, well more than I'm used to, and was in a relationship for so long. Her number was 16 before me. She knows my discomfort with this and that's why I don't bring it up.
I realize my thoughts are selfish, immature and insecure, but I absolutely can't help it. I've always had an idea with what I'm comfortable with. I hate that I'm judging her by her past, but I can't help it. I love her so much and I'm at the point in my life where I'm thinking about a future, and so is she for that matter. I'm worried her history will taunt me forever if I stay with her..and I just don't want to be in a relationship like that. It's not fair to her or me. When I think about it, it absolute hurts and makes me angry/jealous/confused/distant from her.
My ultimate wish would not to think like this, to know she's all mine because what she's gone through has brought her to me (and likewise in my life situations to her), and that her life experience's has molded her into the beautiful, confident and smart young woman she is. That's what I want, but it's not what I totally believe/understand.
My questions are
1.) How do I deal with this and accept her past so I can concentrate on just us?
2.) Why am I having these feelings/thoughts? Is it insecurity/immaturity/selfishness/passing judgement? If so, how wrong of me is? Is there a right or wrong here?
3.) Knowing myself, having a hard time letting go of things (stubbornmess), could this be something that inevitably haunts the relationship for as long as we're together? Or is it just a speed bump that has come about because I care for her so much?
I know all of these answers will be answered in summary. Thank You.
In explicit words, when she told me the number, my irrational and immature mind said that she's been around and she's not dating material. I thought, being a bit conceded, how can you expect a guy like me to want a girl like you with those kind of numbers. It's too much. It's the double standard I know, but it's too promiscuous on her part. No guy will think your special when you've been with that many guys at this age, no one. When she first told me her number, I automatically thought, "She must be so easy to get in bed. It's a done deal".
Saying this, is immature as I type it, but I like getting it out. That's about as explicit as I can get. And that's what I was thinking initially and, somewhat, over a period of time.
I'm glad you asked me to put down all the names of women I've slept with. I actually did
this the other day. I think of all the names and say to myself "the don't mean a damn thing to me...really. I had some good times, but this is now and that was then". Which brings up the point of your exercise because that's exactly what she thinks as well. BUT, I still have a problem. I have spoken with her about it and I feel much better about the issue. Still have some internal problems with deal with this but I'm very eager to understand.