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I have been with my fiance for five years, we live together and up until last week I would have said i was very content. We have fun together messing around, we are at a stage where we dont have sex all the time but when we are both in the mood it is great. Our life together is good and we just got engaged which I was really happy about, we couldn't wait to tell everyone and we wanted to get married this year, not for the big day but so that I could say he was my husband, I was so proud and I loved him, so in the exciting way like when you are first together but in a I want to spend the rest of my life with him way. Then at the weekend he told me that when we split up in 2010 he slept with someone else. we had been going through a really bad time, moving in together, he was working nights which messed him up and everything wasn't right. He started texting an ex that he had never been serious with and i found out before anything happened. we decided to go on a break and then I forced him to split up with me...he wanted more time to think but because i was handling the break so badly he felt it was only fair to end it. Then unknown to me, he met her at a friends house and slept with her. He regretted it as soon as they started and made her stop. After a few days he realised he wanted me and came back. I had my suspicions that something was wrong but he told me nothing had happened and since then we have been together. at first I was angry etc about him texting her (part of me thinks i knew all along something had happened) and then I got through that and the last year everthing has been brilliant. He told me because I thought I may have an std (it turned out to be nothing), on Saturday. At first I was angry but when we talked about what happened and why i felt ok. He hadn't cheated, it was a long time ago, we were in a bad place and I could see how it happened. We are happy now and so I felt a bit upset but not too bad. Then on Tuesday I dont know what happened, I suddenley started to get this insane feeling of fear. I am crippled with a fear that I will / have stopped loving him and that the relationship will come to an end and if I did I would have nothing and would rather just be dead. I am so scared I feel sick and can;t think straight. It is worst when we are not together and when he is here and he cuddles me, I feel a bit better, but I still can't shake this feeling. He is sorry for what he did and I know he would never do this again. I almost feel this started because I feel that I took it so well when he told me that I clearly couldnt love him because I would have been more jealous and hurt but that seems stupid because there are such logical reasons why I didn;t feel jealous and hurt and up until the point he told me I was very happy with our life together and relationship, smug almost. I wish he hadn;t told me and I just want everything back to normal how it was this time last week. I don't know what to do or why I feel this way it is really getting me down and I can;t think straight. It;s a bit like the fact that I am terrified that I will get cancer and regularly convince myself that I have cancer because I am so scared I will get it, except this is a fear that my love will die and the relationship will end. The thoughts go round and round in my head and I need help!
The only other thing I wanted to add was that on the day he told me, and sunday and monday we had sex and it was great it didn't feel wrong, we havent had in since because i have been emotionally a mess and i am afraid to now :-(
Welcome, I am a couple counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to ask you a few questions to bet better understand the situation and problem you're describing. Do you have a few minutes to chat before I answer your question?
Yes I would like to chat
Hi again. Sorry there was a bit of a technical problem with site. The chat screen would not load to the point that I could see the chat window.
Seems to be working now. You should get an e-mail message that I'm here now. I'll wait for a few minutes for your return.
Hi I am back now
Are you there?
Yes I'm back. Sorry for the delay. There has been some technical problem with the site. I'm just waiting to hear back from expert support. Seems to be ok once the connection is set.
Would you mind telling more about the current status and feel of your relationship? Are you still both committed to getting married?
Hi. Are you able to see the questions I asked above?
I'll wait a few minutes for your response. You show as "Standing By"
I have just seen your other question about are we both committed to getting married...I want to, but I am scared now that we will go ahead with making the arrangements and then I will realise I don't love him and it'll all end. I don't know why I feel like this because before I found this out I couldn't wait, I was so excited! It all ties in with this fear I have. Partly I think that because I am not worried about him rejecting me I am worried instead that it will be the other way round and that either way the relationship will end.
He is still committed to it. If I could just feel normal and put these fears aside I would want to. I don't know why I am so scared, we were happy, I wouldn't of traded our lives together for the world, then he told me what happened, I felt ok I knew it was in the past, meant nothing, was with a slutty girl who meant nothing to him, we were in a different place now just got engaged everything was great. Then for some reason I started to get all scared. I don't get it at all...Like I said it's like my irrational fear that I'll get cancer and die it has totally taken over and now I can't see the wood for the trees
It's a bit like I want a sudden thunder bolt to hit me, or for it to be like when we first got together and I felt such an intense rush of love, because that would reassure me that we would be ok. It's silly because before this happened I didn't feel like that, you don't after 5 years, you feel comfortable, and content, you enjoy each other's company, and cuddles and when you are not tired, sex. You enjoy talking, he's my best friend and I still think he's attractive. And I love it when we cuddle up together in bed. When I don't see him / speak to him all day I miss him, keep checking my phone, tell him off if he didn't ring me all day. Love the weekends together. And enjoy doing things for him, like making him a big birthday cake even though it took hours and I was knackered and maing him a steak dinner for his bday (which was only 10th january) just to treat him nice. And having sex even when I am tired just because he wants to and I want to please him because I love him...that's how it was before. But this fear has meant I can;t think clearly, although writing this out has maybe helped...
I guess I want to know that my fears are unfounded and normal and that this happening couldn't just suddenly flick some switch inside me that make me feel nothing for him because ultimately I would rather be dead than for this relationship to fail (not that I would ever harm myself). I think I want to know that me accepting what happened without feeling insanely jealous or angry is normal, not some sign that I don't give a sh1t...
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX this has really helped. I haven't been able to eat properley for days, now we just got dominos pizza and I ate loads as much as I normally would and don't feel sick at all fingers crossed the anxiety doesn't come back now!
One more thing I would like to ask are whether there are any techniques I can use to calm myself down if I start to feel scared and anxious again...?
Thank you for all your help! You have really helped me figure out a few things :o) I am going now, I will click the Accept Answer button now. Take care, good night!