How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask DuddyH Your Own Question

DuddyH
DuddyH, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 154
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
DuddyH is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been with my fiance for five years, we live together

Resolved Question:

I have been with my fiance for five years, we live together and up until last week I would have said i was very content. We have fun together messing around, we are at a stage where we dont have sex all the time but when we are both in the mood it is great. Our life together is good and we just got engaged which I was really happy about, we couldn't wait to tell everyone and we wanted to get married this year, not for the big day but so that I could say he was my husband, I was so proud and I loved him, so in the exciting way like when you are first together but in a I want to spend the rest of my life with him way. Then at the weekend he told me that when we split up in 2010 he slept with someone else. we had been going through a really bad time, moving in together, he was working nights which messed him up and everything wasn't right. He started texting an ex that he had never been serious with and i found out before anything happened. we decided to go on a break and then I forced him to split up with me...he wanted more time to think but because i was handling the break so badly he felt it was only fair to end it. Then unknown to me, he met her at a friends house and slept with her. He regretted it as soon as they started and made her stop. After a few days he realised he wanted me and came back. I had my suspicions that something was wrong but he told me nothing had happened and since then we have been together. at first I was angry etc about him texting her (part of me thinks i knew all along something had happened) and then I got through that and the last year everthing has been brilliant. He told me because I thought I may have an std (it turned out to be nothing), on Saturday. At first I was angry but when we talked about what happened and why i felt ok. He hadn't cheated, it was a long time ago, we were in a bad place and I could see how it happened. We are happy now and so I felt a bit upset but not too bad. Then on Tuesday I dont know what happened, I suddenley started to get this insane feeling of fear. I am crippled with a fear that I will / have stopped loving him and that the relationship will come to an end and if I did I would have nothing and would rather just be dead. I am so scared I feel sick and can;t think straight. It is worst when we are not together and when he is here and he cuddles me, I feel a bit better, but I still can't shake this feeling. He is sorry for what he did and I know he would never do this again. I almost feel this started because I feel that I took it so well when he told me that I clearly couldnt love him because I would have been more jealous and hurt but that seems stupid because there are such logical reasons why I didn;t feel jealous and hurt and up until the point he told me I was very happy with our life together and relationship, smug almost. I wish he hadn;t told me and I just want everything back to normal how it was this time last week. I don't know what to do or why I feel this way it is really getting me down and I can;t think straight. It;s a bit like the fact that I am terrified that I will get cancer and regularly convince myself that I have cancer because I am so scared I will get it, except this is a fear that my love will die and the relationship will end. The thoughts go round and round in my head and I need help!


 


The only other thing I wanted to add was that on the day he told me, and sunday and monday we had sex and it was great it didn't feel wrong, we havent had in since because i have been emotionally a mess and i am afraid to now :-(

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  DuddyH replied 2 years ago.

Duddy :

Welcome, I am a couple counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to ask you a few questions to bet better understand the situation and problem you're describing. Do you have a few minutes to chat before I answer your question?

Customer:

Yes I would like to chat

Duddy :

Hi again. Sorry there was a bit of a technical problem with site. The chat screen would not load to the point that I could see the chat window.

Duddy :

Seems to be working now. You should get an e-mail message that I'm here now. I'll wait for a few minutes for your return.

Customer:

Hi I am back now

Customer:

Are you there?

Duddy :

Yes I'm back. Sorry for the delay. There has been some technical problem with the site. I'm just waiting to hear back from expert support. Seems to be ok once the connection is set.

Duddy :

Would you mind telling more about the current status and feel of your relationship? Are you still both committed to getting married?

Duddy :

Hi. Are you able to see the questions I asked above?

Duddy :

I'll wait a few minutes for your response. You show as "Standing By"

Expert:  DuddyH replied 2 years ago.
I've just switched to question and answer format as the chat window is still experiencing problems.Now that we can chat, would you mind telling me more about the current status and feel of your relationship? For example, is your boyfriend fully committed to recovering from the "affair" during your break up period?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He was gutted when he told me and I 100% know he would never do this again. We have talked it through and I know he learnt a big lesson about us and about how not to deal with a situation when you are feeling unhappy in the relationship. He proposed to me, I had been saying for so long I wanted to get married and he totally took me by surprise to, going and buying the ring I had no idea. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and wholeheartedly wants us to get through this. He has grown up a lot since what happened and the time we split up.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Sorry just for clarity I would like to add he proposed on new years not after he told me. I would say he is fully committed. When I suggested going to counselling he agreed straight away. I think my worries are getting him down because he is scared I won't be able to get passed this.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I have just seen your other question about are we both committed to getting married...I want to, but I am scared now that we will go ahead with making the arrangements and then I will realise I don't love him and it'll all end. I don't know why I feel like this because before I found this out I couldn't wait, I was so excited! It all ties in with this fear I have. Partly I think that because I am not worried about him rejecting me I am worried instead that it will be the other way round and that either way the relationship will end.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

He is still committed to it. If I could just feel normal and put these fears aside I would want to. I don't know why I am so scared, we were happy, I wouldn't of traded our lives together for the world, then he told me what happened, I felt ok I knew it was in the past, meant nothing, was with a slutty girl who meant nothing to him, we were in a different place now just got engaged everything was great. Then for some reason I started to get all scared. I don't get it at all...Like I said it's like my irrational fear that I'll get cancer and die it has totally taken over and now I can't see the wood for the trees

Expert:  DuddyH replied 2 years ago.
Ok. So is it fare to say that you fully, 100% trust him again, that he will never have another sexual or emotional affair? Is your question really about how you can get over the emotional injury of his having transgressed in the first place?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

It's a bit like I want a sudden thunder bolt to hit me, or for it to be like when we first got together and I felt such an intense rush of love, because that would reassure me that we would be ok. It's silly because before this happened I didn't feel like that, you don't after 5 years, you feel comfortable, and content, you enjoy each other's company, and cuddles and when you are not tired, sex. You enjoy talking, he's my best friend and I still think he's attractive. And I love it when we cuddle up together in bed. When I don't see him / speak to him all day I miss him, keep checking my phone, tell him off if he didn't ring me all day. Love the weekends together. And enjoy doing things for him, like making him a big birthday cake even though it took hours and I was knackered and maing him a steak dinner for his bday (which was only 10th january) just to treat him nice. And having sex even when I am tired just because he wants to and I want to please him because I love him...that's how it was before. But this fear has meant I can;t think clearly, although writing this out has maybe helped...

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

It's a bit like I want a sudden thunder bolt to hit me, or for it to be like when we first got together and I felt such an intense rush of love, because that would reassure me that we would be ok. It's silly because before this happened I didn't feel like that, you don't after 5 years, you feel comfortable, and content, you enjoy each other's company, and cuddles and when you are not tired, sex. You enjoy talking, he's my best friend and I still think he's attractive. And I love it when we cuddle up together in bed. When I don't see him / speak to him all day I miss him, keep checking my phone, tell him off if he didn't ring me all day. Love the weekends together. And enjoy doing things for him, like making him a big birthday cake even though it took hours and I was knackered and maing him a steak dinner for his bday (which was only 10th january) just to treat him nice. And having sex even when I am tired just because he wants to and I want to please him because I love him...that's how it was before. But this fear has meant I can;t think clearly, although writing this out has maybe helped...

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

It's a bit like I want a sudden thunder bolt to hit me, or for it to be like when we first got together and I felt such an intense rush of love, because that would reassure me that we would be ok. It's silly because before this happened I didn't feel like that, you don't after 5 years, you feel comfortable, and content, you enjoy each other's company, and cuddles and when you are not tired, sex. You enjoy talking, he's my best friend and I still think he's attractive. And I love it when we cuddle up together in bed. When I don't see him / speak to him all day I miss him, keep checking my phone, tell him off if he didn't ring me all day. Love the weekends together. And enjoy doing things for him, like making him a big birthday cake even though it took hours and I was knackered and maing him a steak dinner for his bday (which was only 10th january) just to treat him nice. And having sex even when I am tired just because he wants to and I want to please him because I love him...that's how it was before. But this fear has meant I can;t think clearly, although writing this out has maybe helped...

 

 

 

Expert:  DuddyH replied 2 years ago.
Nothing you write honestly about your relationship with your potential future husband is in anyway silly. And yes, just writing all these thoughts and feelings out can be very, very helpful. What I'd like to get to in the process is a very clear question statement, so I can provide you with a strong and helpful answer. You mention that you're not worried about him cheating again or leaving. You mention wanting a lightening bolt emotional experience to help make things better. It sounds to me like, even though you have passed the fireworks or honeymoon phase of the relationship, you are now very much in love with him. I'm still not sure what your best question is. Based on what you've written so far, what would you say is your clearest and most important question right now about your current relationship?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I guess I want to know that my fears are unfounded and normal and that this happening couldn't just suddenly flick some switch inside me that make me feel nothing for him because ultimately I would rather be dead than for this relationship to fail (not that I would ever harm myself). I think I want to know that me accepting what happened without feeling insanely jealous or angry is normal, not some sign that I don't give a sh1t...

Expert:  DuddyH replied 2 years ago.
Well you know, recent evidence and my in-person relationship counseling experience confirms that many women are not as hurt by sexual affairs as they are when their partners form deep, authentic, emotional connections (emotional affairs) with an affair partner. It sound to me, that that's not what happened here, but rather that your partner is deeply emotionally connected and fully committed to you and your relationship. You've also mentioned a few times how much you are in tune with each other. In other words your taking care of each other right now. There's no need for a strong attachment anxiety response, because he is fully connected and responsive to you. You know he will not transgress again and that it happened during break up anyway. To me, your response sounds perfectly healthy and normal. It also sounds to me that you have some of the most important ingredients for forming a healthy long term relationship in place; a genuine loving friendship and a real emotional love bond. You really care for him and how he feels. He does the same.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX this has really helped. I haven't been able to eat properley for days, now we just got dominos pizza and I ate loads as much as I normally would and don't feel sick at all Laughing fingers crossed the anxiety doesn't come back now!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX this has really helped. I haven't been able to eat properley for days, now we just got dominos pizza and I ate loads as much as I normally would and don't feel sick at all Laughing fingers crossed the anxiety doesn't come back now!

 

One more thing I would like to ask are whether there are any techniques I can use to calm myself down if I start to feel scared and anxious again...?

Expert:  DuddyH replied 2 years ago.
No problem at all. And sorry in advance that there are no paragraph splits here. I am making them but they are not showing up. When it comes to effectively managing stress and anxiety the best approach in counseling is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I'd do lots of online research, if I were you because there are so many techniques and strategies you can learn and practice on your own. Here's a great explanation of what CBT is and how it works: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/MY00194 In CBT it's all about identifying negative thoughts that lead to anxiety and learning to stop and/or replace them. It's all about learning to actually monitor your "self-talk" and chose more calming and relaxing thoughts. For example, if you caught yourself thinking something like:" what if I'm hit with a devastating lighting blast that stops me from loving my partner?" You practice stopping and replacing thoughts like that with thoughts or appraisal statements like: "We are going to be just fine." "We love each other and we are always there for each other." The other thing that is super helpful in overcoming problem anxiety is to study and practice the "relaxation response." You can actually master the relaxation response, and self induce relaxation in place of feeling anxious. It's best to practice: 1) at least 20 minutes a day for a couple of months. Practicing at bedtime can really improve sleep quality. 2)Practice when ever you start to feel anxious or worried (turns a negative into a positive). 3) Practice together with your partner. The ability to get and stay calm during the inevitable stresses and conflicts that arise in healthy relationships is a serious relationship maintenance tool for any couple-communication tool chest. Here is my favorite online relaxation training resources. It's not flashy but it's free and science-based. You can actually download the short videos and even the mp3 files for bedtime practice etc. Here's the link. It's from The University of Arizona Counseling Center: http://vcc.asu.edu/relax/index.shtmlHope that helps.
DuddyH, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 154
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
DuddyH and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for all your help! You have really helped me figure out a few things :o) I am going now, I will click the Accept Answer button now. Take care, good night!

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 

Related Mental Health Questions