OK...I retyped while I was waiting...and it got way too long...so you don't have to read it all...but here it is;
Everything you have alluded to is true.
Background of our relationship;
[I had a healthy, or so I thought, self-esteem. I put myself through college while working in a factory, became a CPA, started and ran my own educational retail store for 12 and a half years, while I continued to work in accounting for some clients, and for all of my husbands' businesses and my own. At one time I was doing taxes for 4 corporations that we owned - both federal and state, along with our partnership and personal tax returns. while I worked full-time! I always worked, he made me. He said I had too much income potential to stay home. I only was able to stay home for about 1 and a half years when my boys were little. I think he got jealous when he would come home and find out we had a good day at my sister’s or something. He never helped with any of the paperwork because he said he "couldn't", that I knew what i was doing, and he couldn’t help me. Because I was an accountant we couldn’t dare hire one to help me. These conversations occurred in the evening when I would start the paperwork after I put the kids to bed. At which point he would head to bed, and tell me he needs more sleep than me. Somewhere around 20 years with him, he finally brought someone home to help me do some bookwork. But I had to train them to use Quickbooks to help me first.
Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. He praised me at times, and would show genuine pride at what I accomplished, and then would flip and throw fits at who knows what...telling me I never should have left the factory...or why don"t you get a "real" job that pays benefits...etc. So eventually after hearing this so often, I went back to school to become a teacher, which he approved because teachers get benefits and a pension. All the time I had to continue doing the accounting for his/our businesses. I am in my 7th year teaching 7th grade math, and I love what I do. When I first became a teacher, he and my sons teased me that now I was a "lowly" teacher, and should start driving a "teacher car". Eventually my teenage sons didn’t like me being a teacher because it took up too much of my time. Eventually, I started to stay after school and work, because the climate at home didn’t help me get my work done. When I worked late at any of my jobs over the years, my husband would tell my sons I abandoned them again.
I have to admit, I do have ADD
(and now OCD has gotten so bad at times - I can’t function). I need peace and quiet in order to concentrate. ]
All I feel I did was work, work, work for him. We hardly ever took vacations, maybe 10 max in 30+ years. We had accumulated property investments. And when I finally left, he made me sign a separation agreement, and we divided up the properties. We are not divorced. I never wanted too. Now I feel broken both mentally and emotionally. I can’t even finish a task anymore. I get sidetracked so easy and feel so dejected. Now, even though he was not always so nice to me when we lived together, (he could be very mean!) I at least had my family around me, as dysfunctional as it was. Now since I moved out (June, 2011), I am lonely for them! I don’t understand WHY I would want to be back there?!?
We married when I was 21 and he 20. We have 2 sons; 21 and 24. My eldest has recently moved to Germany to live with his girlfriend. I hardly see my sons. My husband has told them over and over that I left them….last week my younger son repeated to me that I said to my husband that I hated him...I despised him...which IS what I said AFTER he threw a hot pulled pork sandwich at me and hit me in the back of the head. I actually had a blister behind my ear from it.
All this crap I put up with over the years...and I don’t understand WHY my mind KNOWS it is no good...but I keep getting these yearnings in my heart that make no sense!
WHY the jealousy? I can only figure it is because he is being nice to her and his Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde personality could not always be nice to me.
And why do I melt when he does say something nice to me? He can be sooo sensitive when he wants to be...and so nasty mean at other times.