Gifford, you sound like you are finally receiving the right 'medicine', which is a trusting, supportive, loving relationship. Good for you. There is no substitute in the world for the curative powers of such a relationship. AND, you will find that as you contribute to the fathering of this child living with you, it will help you heal. That is, regardless of what happened to you, it is possible to start compensating for your abuse by trying, investing yourself, working hard at being the RIGHT sort of parent or father figure. What I'm suggesting is that adults best get over their own abuse and neglect
by this form of service and investment in children that need a father/parent figure in their life. You can live each day knowing you are helping this child escape what could have been a disastrous childhood for it. And you can take true pride in your supportive, 'fathering' role, whatever level of emotional involvement it entails. The other thing this involvement does is affirm that you have survived and turned out better than anyone thought you might, and are a worthy, successful person who can do the parenting or fathering thing the RIGHT way. That is very affirming over time. So there is no magic formula or exorcism for your rejection syndrome. You are doing all the right things now to overcome it on your own. No psychotherapy or medications or other treatment can help more than having the relationship you do with your wife, and LIVING the role of caretaker for this boy. You'll undo your own abuse history by doing it the right way with this child, if you continue to have this opportunity long term. I've always found that people who have suffered much abuse actually know how to treat others very well---it is a strange paradox. I suspect you know quite well. Your investment in Christian fellowship is just another facet of healing through support and service to others, trying to live a Christ-like life. Very therapeutic! Notice that the healing theme here is not to try to undo your history or figure out how to compensate you for what you suffered, or provide you with a grand catharsis. Rather, one overcomes their abuse history by reinvesting in others, loving others, giving service, doing the opposite of abuse to others!! You'll also heal more when you can listen to someone verbally abusing you like your brother did
in Dec., and STOP, stand back, analyze what he is saying and figure out what his motivation is for telling you this or trying to get you to believe his mean, abusive message. In other words, shift from feeling and experiencing what he is saying to you, to concentrating hard on what his motivation is, what he wants from his verbal tirade---these episodes are about him, his needs, his pathology, his need to influence and control you if he can, in ways that somehow serve him. This takes practice, rehearsal and diligent effort, but I can promise you that once you get this "shift" in how you listen and understand people like your brother, their words don't hurt you anymore.
Let me know if I have overlooked any aspect of your original question. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen. Thanks.