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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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I am currently a Junior in College and have been in a serious

Resolved Question:

I am currently a Junior in College and have been in a serious relationship for a year. A few months back I got unreasonably drunk, passed out on a couch and was woke up with an ex next to me. It was my boyfriend who woke us up. I swear that I laid down alone and was so completely unconscious that I didn't know the ex was there. My boyfriend broke up with me, but took me back after made a list of the changes that would make me a better person, including not drinking like that. Everything has been good until my 21st birthday. I told him I didn't want to drink that much but it again resulted in me being ridicuously intoxicated. I phone called a different ex than spoken of before. Then my boyfriend suggested I call the ex from the couch. So I did. My boyfriend has again broken up with me. I know I have changes to make for myself. But if I know that, is it wrong to think that he could take me back?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 4 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting Just Answer....

AgapeDoc :

I have read your post a couple of times and I think I can help.

AgapeDoc :

It is my intention to answer your question and exceed your expectation. If you are satisfied with my efforts will you click on the green accept button?

AgapeDoc :

OK... I see you are off line. Let me see if I can help based on what you have posted at this point.

AgapeDoc :

So......

AgapeDoc :

I think you have stated your case quite well. And I think you know what you have to do - you have to make changes and you know what those changes are.

Customer:

I am making the changes no matter what. I'm doing it for myself. But I feel like I haven't been given a fair chance by my boyfriend. This is a work in process.

Customer:

My friends are saying that he is only making rules for me and I shouldn't make changes for any guy, but I don't think they realize how serious the drinking was for me. I am tired of being the most drunk. The one feeling embarassed the next morning but not remembering why.

AgapeDoc :

I would say you are right on target with your approach...

AgapeDoc :

You need to tell him how you are going to facilitate these changes. In other words are you going to see a counselor? Go to a group meeting? Are you going to stop drinking completely?

AgapeDoc :

Based on what you said, it seems that you feel like you have a real problem - at the risk of sounding "preachy" it seems like you need a little support from a counselor or someone like that.

AgapeDoc :

And you are right - you need to make this a priority regardless of what this boyfriend does.

Customer:

My dad has a chemical imbalance and refuses medication. My parents are divorced and have had several issues regarding my brother being in and out of trouble. I see both sides of things, both my moms and dads. However, the issues that I think my mom is right on my dad thinks I need help on. Therefore he wants me to go to counseling. I really think it is my dad who needs the help. Different reason for counseling but I guess once I was there we can talk about anything

Customer:

The last time I did this I made an entire list, written out of how I was going to change.

Customer:

I have been successful on all of those things except for maybe the two most important. Calling the exes and doing something stupid while drunk yet again.

AgapeDoc :

Don't be too hard on yourself..... It seems that while you have found yourself in a very tough situation, you are not the first young lady to take it a little too far. It's easy to do. And your friends may be well meaning in wanting you to keep being "the life of the party" but they aren't the ones who have gotten embarrassed and lost their boyfriend, woke up with a hangover, etc.

AgapeDoc :

Counseling can't hurt and it's not a lifetime commitment. Why not try it?

Customer:

How do I make someone believe that these changes are "for real" this time. I tried apologizing and saying I would change but it was extremely emotional and I think he thought I was just saying whatever would "get him back."

Customer:

I tried contacting him, excessively, the first day after the break up. However, I have not tried contacting him for two days. Does he need time to process? I want so bad for him to know that I really can be the girl he thought I was without the drinking. But I don't want to be creepy or staulkerish.

AgapeDoc :

You have to "show" him the steps you are taking to get to the place you want to be. For instance making an appointment with a counselor or going to a group meeting.

AgapeDoc :

Give him some space, but don't let go.... a hand written greeting card can be a great tool. Also, something that has worked for others like you in a similar situation is to get together with a small group of friends.

Customer:

Okay so let's say I decide to go to a group meeting. Let's say I go. How will I let him know that I have gone? Also, why would be want to be with someone who needs counseling? He is young and could find way better than crazy ole me.

AgapeDoc :

Another thing that has helped others is to share this conversation that you and I are having...

Customer:

and I don't believe he would get together with friends. He lives in a fraternity so I could go over there when other people are. It would be a party setting and I don't want him to think I am there for the party. Yet he is not welcoming me over there.

Customer:

How do I share this conversation?

Customer:

my boyfriend is stubborn. so stubborn. He isn't influenced by others like me. He is dedicated and a leader and absolutely amazing. He is strong-willed. I think he thinks he is protecting himself from being hurt in the future by me.

AgapeDoc :

Let me answer those two questions - How will he know that you went? Tell him where and when the meeting was held and what you did there. Next.. don't think that counseling is a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength to reach out for help when you need it. If you get counseling, you have a good chance of being much more well adjusted than other girls - think of it as "coaching" And if he can't deal with that...... he ain't so great :( himself...

AgapeDoc :

As for the get together - go out for coffee at Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. or go to a museum.

Customer:

He wouldn't even answer my texts.

AgapeDoc :

As for the conversation... I believe you can log in and see this after you pay for it for many months or you could just print it... :)

Customer:

I feel silly for this.

Customer:

So I print it and I what put it in an envelope and slide it under the door? I want to know the line between helpful and crazy

AgapeDoc :

This isn't going to happen overnight! I know how much you want to get him back and show him what kind of a person you really are..... everyone has been in a similar situation at some point... most of us anyway.

AgapeDoc :

Don't feel silly - this is nothing compared to what I have dealt with - you wouldn't even believe :)

Customer:

So it's safe to say that the behavior that comes out under the influence is not a true representation of that person's personality?

AgapeDoc :

I wouldn't slide it under his door. At some point he will answer your texts or you will see him. Tell him that you have something you want to share.. then give him the printout...

AgapeDoc :

Most definitely!

Customer:

That it's not a part of them to be worried about, if they/me are willing to live without the alcohol.

Customer:

and what about the fact that this has happened before? and this is my second second chance?

AgapeDoc :

Again, don't be too hard on yourself. As you get older, you will find many more people who "grow" to this realization.....

AgapeDoc :

Second, second chance.... don't keep score......

AgapeDoc :

Don't look back

AgapeDoc :

Look forward

Customer:

Its hard for the people I hurt to not keep score.

Customer:

I have lied to my mom for 6 years now telling her I don't drink. and I just now told her about all of this because I am so distraught about losing Andy. She can forgive me now and asked if I think it will happen again. Of course I say no. I don't think it will happen. BUt when I asked my mom to put herself in Andy's shoes, where this is the second time I've said that, even she hesitated.

AgapeDoc :

Tell him you want him more than you want to drink. One of things you may find out at a meeting is to make amends to those who have been hurt - this eliminates the "score keeping"

Customer:

I have made those amends. The two people I hurt were Andy and my mom. Everyone else I've filled my life with is supportive of the drinking life.

AgapeDoc :

Mom's hesitation is not the end all. you must be patient and work with Andy.

AgapeDoc :

Then forget about the score. If everyone kept score, none of us would be able to move forward....

Customer:

I'm trying to tell him and share this with him. But what advice would you give to him? I have been honest with my downfalls. I have told you what he filled me in about the night. So if he came to you about this, would you not say that I am not what he is looking for and that he should move on because he is young and there's plenty of fish in the sea!

AgapeDoc :

Great question! And I'm glad you asked it. My answer to him would depend on some additional facts........ for instance I would want to know if he would want you if you changed your life style. If he said yes, then I would tell him to try and get you to do the things we are discussing here...

AgapeDoc :

How am I doing?

Customer:

very good. I have taken a few communication classes and have been taught that "objectifying" on paper can really help evaluate a situation. It's even better when the paper talks back! :)

AgapeDoc :

I think I have given you a solid approach. You have lots of work ahead, but it can be done - I highly recommend a good counselor.

Customer:

I don't mean to be disrespectful but I am talking to an online mental health forum person that I only know as agapeDoc. and while I get it, love-doc, play on words I am wondering how legitimate he will think this is.

AgapeDoc :

Good question.... Let me tell you my credentials....some of them anyway. I have a Ph.D. in psychology, a Master's degree in Counseling Psychology. I have been counseling/coaching and teaching psychology at the university level for almost two decades. I have worked with hundreds of people, families and couples. I have trained other therapists on many different topics..... and so on..........I think it's time to move forward with your plan. If you have more questions go ahead and post them here. However, if you are satisfied with my efforts, please don't forget to click on the green accept button.

Customer:

one more question as well. I am in a service organization on campus that I joined as a freshman because of the service. They highly encourage drinking. All of our social events include it. I love the organization for the amount of service we get done with fewer girls than sorority. I am currently Vice-president of the organization. I do not want to quit. I am up for a Presidency soon enough and want to be able to put it on my resume. selfish huh. I do want to prove to Andy that I am avoiding all drinking situations, would it be necessary to quit?

Customer:

I do believe that if I brought up this issue with them that they would be 100% supportive because we stand for accepting all types.

Customer:

But I don't want him to associate it as a bad influence I can't get rid of. I want him back.

AgapeDoc :

It comes down to what is most important to you. You could keep your position and refuse to drink, but it's not going to be easy. That position on a resume is desirable, but there are many other opportunities for service work.

AgapeDoc :

It sounds like he is more important than the position to you?

Customer:

I know I can do it and not drink. I was doing it for months before this latest incident. With it being my 21st birthday, somehow everyone gave me the excuse to drink. and keep drinking. more shots given to my by people I don't even know. way out of hand.

Customer:

Oh most definitely more important.

AgapeDoc :

Sounds like you are comfortable to keep the position and not drink - it really can go either way. You have to decide..

Customer:

I think I will start with an email/discussion with the girls of the organization asking for their support in my decision to not drink. maybe I can print that for Andy as well.

Customer:

How many days until I try to contact him again?

AgapeDoc :

Sounds like you have your plan. I wish you all the best :)

Customer:

I don't know if you'll see this message but thanks for all your help!

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