replied 4 years ago.
'''Restricting yourself to water, Jello, and tea is not going to be enough nutrients to help you stay alive. Your body needs more than that to survive. If you continued to eat like that, you would starve to death from lack of nutrients.'''
That simply is not so for a couple of weeks, a month, or every other week until excess weight has been lost. I did it for a month while recovering from the gastro-bypass and lost 31 pounds, not my life. I did it for the second month adding some weak split pea soup and lost almost 20 more, not my life or health. If I could do that once again, I'd be able to bend down to cut my toe nails again and fit my closet full of clothes.
I have been trying to lose weight but have not been successful to lose anything, since 2007 now, after the time in the wheel chair and gaining this all back. This is way off base for any experience possible for me to even mention. I can't even go on liquids for a day anymore, I just eat when I am hungry no matter what resolve I make to myself. I keep thinking, its 4 years now since the weight gain, surely in that time I should have been able to stop gaining, and lose some.
I hate being so fat with all my heart and mind, yet for whatever horror I am unable to cut back enough to lose weight. LIfe is always full of stress for me, and from what I see, also for most people. I have commented on enough by now for you to know that I have tried every thing known to the civilized world to help me many times over.
Today was a horrible day for me, still, I didn't over eat on that account, I am up now since 4 a m on account of the distress and I am not eating, I am drinking coffee and want nothing more. I know that I have a thin skin as people say, things pierce me, penetrate me, that others do but that is a reason not to eat, rather than the opposite for me. It would be horrible to stay in a state of distress , as I have done but not on purpose that is for certain, and lost weight, but that is not my choice at all to do.
In the past, when I was staying on restrictive diets, or on liquids every so often, I remember well that I was on a great emotional high, happy, full of energy, confidence, loving life and myself. When I am fat like now, I hate myself. I try to hide from the world as much as possible, I don't leave my room some days at all, and that is pretty disgusted . I have been forcing myself to go outside more in recent weeks, months, when I am home. I do see a relationship to being away and when I am home now that I mention it. When we are camping, I love it for the most part. At the resort condos also, I go about, swim, go to the Disney parks, stay all day, and I love to talk with people. At home, I hide inside my room, but again, this did was not the situation back years ago when the other weight gains were also a curse to my life.
Nothing that goes on changes that this has been my burden since I was 15, dieting and gaining weight. It is the focus of my life now and for the most part, always has been. I wish I could find that balance that has eluded me since forever. I know exactly what to do, how to do it, and the best way it gets done. I just can not follow through and make that a reality. You keep suggesting this or that 'specialist' to see. Kate, I have seen them all, many times over, been there and done that many times over. I have studied and taken classes and learned more than any one person needs to know in this life, still, how to summon the what-ever-it-takes to lose weight once again has been impossible since the summer of 2005 when I lost the last 22 pounds.
My frustration with myself is beyond imagination. My frustration with life and my condition is beyond even that. I do appreciate your trying to help me but I see once again that there is nothing to try that I have not already tried or that is nor realistic for me or not possible. If I could go to a very expensive spa for a full program and live in for 6 or 12 weeks, that most likely would be effective but I can't afford such a place now. My husband does all the cooking, and brings me wonderfully prepared, healthy meals, has cut down the amount as I have asked him to do, still that is more than I can eat and lose weight. I don't eat everything on the plate most of the time, I share it with our 5 little dogs who live inside with us or dump it out.
I have come to wonder if there is enough will power in all the world now for me to lose weight, and I hate being fat like I am. Besides the venous insufficiency and my own self image being so rotten. Sometimes I lay quietly when I go to bed and try to think about this, what and why, I am so desperate to lose weight, hate being fat so much, still get up each day and continue to eat those few bites extra that prevent me from changing this.
I see others with horrible situations and I don't have anything even close to them so - - - ?
It has been good for me to go over this now with you, It motivated me to sit down with my spouse and talk about it, remind him not to serve foods with salt, (he never does ) or to bring anything but a small portion for me, and so on. Also to get him to see my very real agony in all of this. He is slim, always has been slim, and eats well, often, and a lot.
I wish I thought for a moment that my weight has anything to do with the stress of what ever is going on, but I don't. I can see over nearly 60 years that weight gain has always caused difficulty for me. One thing that I have realized also. I can chart the happy time of my life and during those, I was thin, able to stay normal weight, but always eating next to nothing. I can also chart the worst, most emotionally painful times of my life when eating was out of the question and I lost a pound a day, had to force my self to take bites of food knowing that I had to in order to keep going.
So, the best and worst times were when I got and stayed thin, lost weight, and felt healthy physically. Is there a conclusion here that I have to be euphorically happy or dangerously depressed to limit food intake ? I guess that is the epitome of being an emotional eater. You have caused me to look back over almost 60 years from this long distance view point, and I see that.
So, now that I am neither ecstatically happy nor in the pit of despair , I am unable to lose weight ?
I have some truly horrible things that I am trying to mentally and emotionally deal with now, but not anything new to my life either, so I can't blame that as the reason for my not losing weight, for not being able to diet, even a little. I'd be happy to lose a pound a week but have not even been able to pull that one off. My mind goes back to the months right after the gastro-bypass and the wonderful weight loss, and that if I could just do that once again, the tough part would be over for me, I'd be able to touch my toes again with out falling over on my head and I'd walk better and I'd like myself again.
I wish I had my psychiatrist back in business and insurance to pay for his care, I would run, skip and jump back into his office but - I do not have this available for me. Over my life , I have met more crazies and inept people who somehow have gotten into this trade so that now, h*ll, I don't trust any of them to know more, be better or even as good as I am, or to be skilled at their craft. Add that we were a Shelter Home for Children here in Miami for many years , always attending meetings, taking kids to psychiatrists, therapists, evaluations, blah blah blah then in and out of courts with them, and the result ? Well, let me tell you. I have no respect nor confidence in any of them anymore at all. It was poor to being with, but after working with so many over the years, it simply has ceased to exist.
Contact with other human beings, like my contact with you, is necessary I believe for everybody, the human being is a social animal after all, and we need interaction with others. My family has all died, I am alone in the world, my own children have their own fish to fry and wouldn't have the least idea of how to help me even if they tried, my life long friends have vanished phuff up in the air, and I am really alone. I sort of like it.
I am in contact with one childhood friend from when we were in 3 rd grade together but she is in Pa and I am in Miami. Another friend from high school lives in Florida but not Miami. We are in touch via the computer almost daily, but we are not that close anymore. There are a dozen other people who were in my high school class who send emails etc but have no idea on a personal basis anything about my life. My own husband tries, but I believe that he also has no earthly idea of the internal struggle I seem condemned to have going on inside me, no matter what. Yes, I do feel abandoned.
But, Again. This weight curse has existed all my life, not just now.
Talking with my husband about what has been discussed here, he did say, that there is no doubt in his mind that I am not normal - my being cold all the time, my dry hair and skin, my eating so little and still gaining weight, what I eat by choice also - he said to me,
'''No way are you a normal person.''' just like another husband telling me that he could feed his dogs and me both with only his table scraps.
I have gone so many times to so many doctors and it is always the same, so don't suggest, please, that I change doctors. They are all the same, do the same tests, and come up with the same results. I have survived without taking thyroid for about 22 years now, but also when I look back over that time, it has been the most consistently obese time for me. This is an eye-opener now that I think of it. The obesity led to my becoming 300 plus pounds, resorting to the gastro-bypass, 5 follow up plastic surgery operations for excess skin removal, and now, my weight has been climbing back up. Since I stopped taking thyroid my weight has been on a steady gain, worse when I stopped smoking totally back in '84 & again in '86 for good that final time. I just did the math on that. It fits.
At that time I had the ability to seriously restrict food to myself and knew enough to know what I had to have a bite of while doing that, also taking vitamins. I have been careful to study every thing there is to know about nutrition to keep myself healthy throughout all these years. Remember you are talking here to a woman of 73, with nearly 40 years with Pan Am, and the remarkable collection of experience and intelligence both of my company and of the people who worked with me over the years. I either did it myself, saw it, or heard of it from somebody else, nothing has been left out.
We all were or were married to, or had children who were - therapists, psychiatrists, doctors, lawyers, mechanics, you name it, we were a regular Just Answer within our own company, Pan Am. Most of us were always taking college courses on everything in the world, never left home without books, were the best read people in the world except maybe the subway riders in New York City. Yes, I lived there too from 1958 until 1969.
I honest to god believe now that there is no help for me, not anywhere, and that I have to keep trying to find the missing link that prevents me now from limiting my food enough to reverse this cursed weight gain. With all due respect, you have helped me to see that, clearly, and from the long distance of my age and experience. I do thank you for this. You have been kind and sincere. Gina