Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
Thank you for your post. I have a few questions before providing recommendations. Other than the sex, how is your relationship? Is there a void in your wife's life that she is remedying through sex? Has sex with her always been like this?
Hey Brad, the relationship is ok but there are communication issues we've always had. I'm the communicator and thrive on stimulating conversation where she is the exact opposite and not really interested in talking. I don't think she's filling any particular void with sex to be honest
When we started dating it was much better (isnt it always) but once we got married for some reason it tanked
How long were you dating her and how soon did your relationship change when you married?
I apologize for the technical difficulties I am having on my end. Please reply back and I will respond promptly
We dated for about 2 years...I'd say things changed within the first 6 months as we got married in July of 08 and in December my department was cut so that was stressful because now I'd taken on a wife and two step kids and i already had one child from a previous marriage, however i was able to transfer to another dept in april but it came with a lot more responsibilities regional vs local so fair amount of travel involved and the hours can be very long when trying to meet deadlines (even though i work from home) so that's a factor for me as well and only adds to my stress levels. On top of that i've gained about 25 unwanted pounds which is really stressing me out because im a competitive professional athlete as well and not being able to get my workouts in and competing like i used to. The effect the weight has had on my libido doesn't. help either and i've explained all this to her on a number of occasions
I know thats a bit more info than you asked for but i have no one else to talk to about this
I've considered couples therapy and we have gone once but i was made to feel like i wanted this "perfect" woman and was being unrealistic...no matter how much i explained that that's not "IT" i jest ended up leaving frustrated. I love conversation and can have great conversations with other friends male and female but when i come home i can check it at the door.
We do get some alone time away from the kids and to be honest there are rare occasions where we can talk but its maybe once every few months if im lucky.
sorry for the typo above i meant to say "all they did was make me feel like..."
Haven't considered individual therapy but i think your point is valid...another thing that frustrates me is that she is a hard worker and very resource full when it comes to everything else including pleasing others but when it comes to putting in some "effort" in our relationship she just shuts down. She has told me that she feels intimidated by me intellectually by me and ive heard this from past girlfriends but i cant help my level of intellectual development or the fact that i just "know stuff" so now i'll just pretend to not know things or pretend it's the first time ive heard of or seen something just so i don't have to hear the grumbling. I have tried to encourage her to go back to school if she feels the way she does and that i'll support her but the issue is that the suggestion is coming from ME and not from a friend or someone "neutral" so that also presents a hindrance to conversation. I'll admin that in the past i was a bit "rash" when id mention something that i felt was "common knowledge" and she'd never heard of before and i would respond with a bit of sarcasm which I was wrong to do. However it's been years but she wont let those discussions go at all.