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Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience:  10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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What can i do to explain to my wife in a way that she would

Resolved Question:

What can i do to explain to my wife in a way that she would understand, that its near impossible for me to have sex at the drop of a hat in the middle of my work day or anytime im currently focused on something else. This is particularly frustrating because she does nothing to stimulate me and just gets in bed takes off her clothes and tells me to grab the lube. Just the anxiety this creates kills all ope of getting an erection and I've tried to explain this on multiple occasions in multiple ways but getting through is just impossible it seems. When we have sex she can orgasm multiple times but its rare for me mainly because the sex is just so "forced" with no foreplay or very little if any. She's never been a very affectionate person so this is a factor keeping her from connecting on that level.

I'm the only one who seeks out help via printed media or in this case and others an online resource. I will forward her various links so that she can see for herself that its not coming from "me" per se (that's another issue) but rather from an independent source. I'm just at my wits end right now. I'm 35 she's 30 FYI.

Thanks
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 4 years ago.

Brad :

Thank you for your post. I have a few questions before providing recommendations. Other than the sex, how is your relationship? Is there a void in your wife's life that she is remedying through sex? Has sex with her always been like this?

Customer:

Hey Brad, the relationship is ok but there are communication issues we've always had. I'm the communicator and thrive on stimulating conversation where she is the exact opposite and not really interested in talking. I don't think she's filling any particular void with sex to be honest

Customer:

When we started dating it was much better (isnt it always) but once we got married for some reason it tanked

Brad :

How long were you dating her and how soon did your relationship change when you married?

Brad :

I apologize for the technical difficulties I am having on my end. Please reply back and I will respond promptly

Customer:

We dated for about 2 years...I'd say things changed within the first 6 months as we got married in July of 08 and in December my department was cut so that was stressful because now I'd taken on a wife and two step kids and i already had one child from a previous marriage, however i was able to transfer to another dept in april but it came with a lot more responsibilities regional vs local so fair amount of travel involved and the hours can be very long when trying to meet deadlines (even though i work from home) so that's a factor for me as well and only adds to my stress levels. On top of that i've gained about 25 unwanted pounds which is really stressing me out because im a competitive professional athlete as well and not being able to get my workouts in and competing like i used to. The effect the weight has had on my libido doesn't. help either and i've explained all this to her on a number of occasions

Customer:

I know thats a bit more info than you asked for but i have no one else to talk to about this

Brad : thank you for your the information. This gives me a better idea of what is going in your relationship. First, have you considered attending couple's therapy? You originally mentioned that sex was an issue, but it seems communication between you and your wife is an issue (as you know, sex is a form of communication) as you consider couple's therapy, how are you emotionally intimate with your wife? Do you spend alone tme wiith each other or is that impossible due to your current stressors?
Customer:

I've considered couples therapy and we have gone once but i was made to feel like i wanted this "perfect" woman and was being unrealistic...no matter how much i explained that that's not "IT" i jest ended up leaving frustrated. I love conversation and can have great conversations with other friends male and female but when i come home i can check it at the door.

Customer:

We do get some alone time away from the kids and to be honest there are rare occasions where we can talk but its maybe once every few months if im lucky.

Customer:

sorry for the typo above i meant to say "all they did was make me feel like..."

Brad : once every few months does not allow your rlationship with your wfe to move forward. I encourag you and your wife to attnd couple's therapy with a psychologst who is well versed in this type of treatment. A good couple's therapist typically remain nutral and not take sides. If you felt that you were at fault durng your last couple- sesson, the therapist did not do a god job. Have you considered individual therapy for al of the stressors you are facing?
Customer:

Haven't considered individual therapy but i think your point is valid...another thing that frustrates me is that she is a hard worker and very resource full when it comes to everything else including pleasing others but when it comes to putting in some "effort" in our relationship she just shuts down. She has told me that she feels intimidated by me intellectually by me and ive heard this from past girlfriends but i cant help my level of intellectual development or the fact that i just "know stuff" so now i'll just pretend to not know things or pretend it's the first time ive heard of or seen something just so i don't have to hear the grumbling. I have tried to encourage her to go back to school if she feels the way she does and that i'll support her but the issue is that the suggestion is coming from ME and not from a friend or someone "neutral" so that also presents a hindrance to conversation. I'll admin that in the past i was a bit "rash" when id mention something that i felt was "common knowledge" and she'd never heard of before and i would respond with a bit of sarcasm which I was wrong to do. However it's been years but she wont let those discussions go at all.

Brad : the reason why she does not let that go is because she is holding on to emotional intmacy with you thrrough her anger. This may be the other reason why she goes straight to sex without any foreplay as well since she knows that you want foreplay first, and your conversation with her on this topic is a source of emotional intimacy. Please seek out couple's therapy as this treatment modality wil hlp resolve this communication barrier.
Customer:

thanks Brad

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