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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5454
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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So I should just leave this alone? What does it say about his

Resolved Question:

So I should just leave this alone? What does it say about his maturity level. Did he want a relationship or did he just want to have fun?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Are you working with someone or can I help you? It sounds like you are trying to deal with someone who is unable to be in a relationship in a mature way.

 

If you would like to provide more details, I would be glad to help.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate- Hi I have been working with someone named Kathy- but maybe you could give me some insight or a more defiant answer as to how I should go about dealing with this situation...in short, I met someone while I was in an abusive relationship. it grew more than a friendship but could not really go anywhere because I was in the abusive relationship and was scared to leave. the "friend" I was involved with knew about everything that was going on but every now and again he would disappear without any explanation......he would then have other relationships and come back to me, we would pick up where we left off as if nothing had happened until the next time he decided he needed to leave again..fast forward a few years I am no longer in the abusive relationship and we are continuing as we always have. I become pregnant and told him( of course expecting for him to be more of a support than what I received in my other relationship not so)I had an abortion and I felt as though he was not there for me so we had an argument and....he left again. comes back about a month later and we continue as normal.....then I become pregnant again this time it was a miscarriage(ectopic) first of all he did not know what that was and he did not know how severe it was. While in the waiting room waiting for my operation he was making jokes and then got upset that I looked at him angrily. After the surgery I was in the hospital for a week. he was there for that but when I came home we had an argument because he was telling me about a TV that he bought while I was in the hospital. I thought it was inappropriate at that time and go upset which caused him to leave again...he went to speak to his mother because he did not understand why i was acting that way....The list goes on and on....currently he leaving again because he made decisions based on the fact the we were just "friends" in his and his families mind at least because we have always done everything that a couple would do we just did not have a "title".. I don't know how to feel about this situation, angry, sad , mad ...I don't know but when he leaves he never gives a straight answer he just says "I care about you deeply and what I'm doing is in your best interest"...at least that is what he said this time...What should I do if he decides that he wants to come back? what does this say about him? what does it say about me dealing with this for 15 years?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello,

 

It sounds like this man does not want to be emotionally involved in a relationship. He is not acting stable enough to keep the relationship steady, he sleeps with you and finds out your pregnant but instead of moving closer he moves away from you, and he makes jokes and buys TV's while you are going through a terrible experience. He may not be abusive the way your other relationship was, but he is abusive in his own way.

 

Telling you that he cares about you deeply but is leaving because it is in your best interest says he is not thinking of you at all, but thinking of himself instead. He is coming and going at his own convenience, getting involved with other women and telling you that he and his family think of your relationship as friends, though he has slept with you and you have been pregnant twice. That is not a friendship, that is a relationship and a serious one. But that is not the way he sees it, even if you feel differently about it.

 

It does not sound like this person wants the responsibility of a real relationship. He is either frightened of one, or he is too self centered to give more than he has to you. Unless he sees his behavior as a problem, he is not going to change.

 

If he does come back, you may want to end things with him. This is not a healthy relationship for you. You will never be able to settle down with him and if something does go wrong or you need something, he will not take it seriously and be there for you. He will continue to make excuses about his behavior and try to blame his behavior on you and he "just being friends". You can talk to him about counseling, but if he doesn't see his behavior as a problem, he won't take counseling seriously either. However, you may want to go yourself to explore why you have strong feelings about men who treat you badly. There is a pattern here for you and to break it, you need to explore what needs you have that are not being met. Somewhere in your life, probably your childhood, you did not get what you needed to feel secure, validated and loved. So as an adult, you are trying to get these needs met through men who treat you as you are used to be treated. Therapy can help you explore these needs and find a way to fulfill them so you can have healthier relationships.

 

I hope this helps,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for validating my feeling for me. I have tried to explain this to him on many occasions. He has allot of excuses form when I was involved in the other relationship. he felt that i had him waiting " like a little dog" for me to be done with the relationship, and that I am in the way when he wants to move on.... but then he always cames back. I cannot speak to him right now because he will not speak to me. he was drunk on night and told me not to come back ton his house and to not to try to contact him. If I say anything to him he does not rely till his is ready the last text I said to him that he asked for us to be friends so pretty much he cannot use that excuse and he did not reply. I have things at his house that I asked for him to return but he has not. I get that this was another abusive relationship but it still hurts...no I feel like a fool for not seeing that this guy was just out for himself and that I was just a convenience for him. so my next question is why is he holding onto my things.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I'm not sure why he wants to keep your things. But your description of his behaviors seems to indicate he likes to control others, part of being manipulative. He may be trying to get you upset by holding onto your things.

 

You may want to take a male friend or relative with you and go to his home to get your things, calling ahead of course. And if that does not work, you can contact the police to get them to assist you.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5454
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you have been a tremendous help in starting my healing process in this situation
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You are very welcome! Any time you need to talk, I'm here. Just put my name in front of your new question and I will answer.

 

I hope this situation works out for you. I'll be thinking of you.

 

Take care,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate I spoke to you back in January coming back and forth in my life. You told me to leave it alone, but I did not listen. He has moved to Atlanta but was coming back and forth to see me. We would discuss that we would remain friends until one of us got into a serious relationship and then we would have to adjust the way we delt with each other. We would speak on the phone about me meeting other people and or going out on dates. One person in particular, his cute and we huge each other every now and again. There is an attraction but it's not something that would go anywhere because he has a girlfriend (he doesn’t know that I know). I tell this to Daniel in one of our discussions, he starts giving me 20 questions about whither or not I like the guy and I shouldn't be doing this and that. It annoyed me because who was he to give me any kind of advice. I listened and told him that maybe I wouldn't hug this person as much, but I do continue to tell me about the people that are interested in me. I was not doing it to be mean or get him back for anything... I am now clear that we are friends and I was just telling him what has been going on in my life since he left... finally one day I was home from work and he knew cause I told him, so as always we were talking to each other via text, phone and pictures texts, I got an invite to go out to the movies by one of the persons that were interested in me and I accepted but didn't tell Daniel I didn't have to he is my friend. I was taking a shower and he called my son gave me the phone and he asked why was I taking a shower and I told him because I was going out I told his it was with a female because I did not want to go through what I did when I told him about the person I was hugging at work.....everything went crazy from there. I went on my date, while on the date I got 2 of the longest e-mail of him telling me how he felt and that he was sorry that he hurt me and he can't handle me going out with other people on and on and on..... When I came home I gave him a call and he continued to tell me how he felt I listen and told him nothing went on. I went and came home that was it. the next day as we were talking I slipped that it was a guy that I went out with, why did I do that the amount of whining that came after that was un bearable. I told him that I didn't say it was a guy because I knew that he would start whining. The days after that were crazy, if he didn't get me he would start an argument, if he text and I didn't text back right away he would get annoyed and say that I answer other people but I never get back to him in a timely manner...... he finally came to see me what he started doing was meeting me at my job, I found that strange since he knew there was someone there that I was flirting with so of course I did not want him there......on 6/19/12 he came to see me, I was home that day so we spent the day together. He was leaving on 6/20/12. We left my house at 7:08am he wanted to leave at 7 so that he could catch his plane to go back home. on the way there I was hand and being affectionate when we got tot he stop where he should have gotten off I told this is your stop are you not getting off, he said he was in no rush because he probably missed the plane. So I asked if he was coming with me to work he said yes. I did not like that because of what I mentioned above. when we got to my job I stopped holding his and this isn't something new I don't like to hold hands show affection at work because there are so many scandals there (the person hat I hug at work is always quick and done when no-one is around) We went into the deli across the street and I was ordering my breakfast. I introduced him to members of my department. While waiting the person that I hug came into the sore and I got uncomfortable and Daniel notice and looked around and saw the name tag of the person and knew that it was the person that I flirt with. What he did next caused a hug argument in front of my job. He started hugging me and pulling on me and holding my hand... knowing that I do not like that, but in his inturpratation it was because the person that I flirt with was in the the store. We got outside and I asked why did he do that and he said why not if I am only flirting with this person why shouldn't he. he went on to say that I was using him and I didn't want him to come to the job because I was hiding something more than I was telling him and he explained to me how he felt and I played him...on and on. All this in front of my job. He went back to Atlanta and spoke to all his friends and family and they all say that I was wrong and that I was really infact hiding something at work that is why I never want to show any kind of affection there. The truth is When this other guy came into the store I got uncomfortable as far as everyone know I am single, but I was not hiding anything no-one at work shows affection we just don't. And Daniel was not my boyfriend he established that......since then it has been a back and forth of who cares for whom. I feels that he cares for me but he thing that he does and because I don't speak he has no idea where I stand that is why he did a lot of the things that he did(the coming and going) so basically all of it was my fault and if he knew he would never have done them...My argument was if I am such a terrible person and he does not know where I stand when it comes to him then why keep coming back, and that thee thing s that he did hurt me.....he just justifies it all by he did not know where I stood... how can a person do thing and not acknowledge that it may hurt another person, do it over and over again and expect that that person would not get feed up. This time around I was going according to his rules we were friends..... He decided to tell me about how he felt when he realized that I was dating I hate that. and to now say that he loved me more and cannot even acknowledge that the things the he did hurt me....he make sit seem like he was in the right do what he did and I should have always received him with open arm when ever he came back and we should have been married by now.. Which he said that he was prepared to on the last visit. I think he is lying because he did not propose when we were spending the day together... he is bringing this to my attention now... I will acknowledge that I any have hurt him but he will not own that for me. The being the case I can never trust him because he has an excuse for everything that he does. What should I do? He fells that I need to fix things and I feel that I don't because I didn't do anything wrong. I actually think I am starting to hate him.


Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hello, it's good to hear from you.

It sounds like he is still trying to control you. He won't commit, just like before, but he still wants to know that you are focused on him. He seems to try to find ways to get you to show him the feelings he wants from you, but he holds back. The only time he does seem to show you affection is when he feels it benefits him, like when you show interest in other people.

Your relationship is being dictated by his wants and needs. It could be that he has some narcissistic traits and that is why you always feel left out and like your feelings are not being focused on. People who are narcissistic only focus on their own needs and manipulate others to get what they want. His lack of acknowledgment about your pain is a possible sign that he might be narcissistic.

He probably keeps coming back to you because in some way, he is getting his needs met. Someone who plays these types of games enjoys them at some level. They do not like when they cannot manipulate and hurt others. So the more you try to make things normal, the more he tries to turn it around on you and make you the bad guy.

This is a dysfunctional relationship that probably will not ever be good for you, unless he gets help. And if he has no insight, then the relationship and his reaction will always be the same.

Since he lives out of state, it may make it easier if you decide to move on from this. You are already showing signs of interest in others. You may want to take it a bit further. Being treated with respect is important. And if you can find a new relationship that is healthier, it will help you leave this one behind. Consider talking to a counselor to help you. You can use the support to help you end this relationship in steps so you can be sure he cannot draw you back in.

Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or more stars? Anything lower results in a negative against my record
(ratings are confusing, sorry!). And your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

HI KATE, I FINALLY TILD DANIEL TO NOT CALL ME.IN AUGUST I HAD SURGARY, TWO WEEK BECORE IT DANIEL CALLS ME TO TELL ME THAT HE WAS IN NEWYORK, HE WANTED US TO NOT COMMUNICATE ANYMORE HIS REASONING WAS ONE BECAUSE HE GOT HURT AND


TWO HE


COULD NOT SEE IT BEING GOOD FOR ANY REALATIONSHIOP EITHER ONE OF US HAD. BY THE WAY HE FINALLY CALLED WHAT W HAD A REALATIOSHIP BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE GOT HURT.....AFTER HE SAID HE DIDNT WANT US TO SPEAK ANYMORE HE SAIF THAT HE DIDNT WANT US TO STOP SPEAKING RIGHT AWAY.......SO AS THE WEEKS WENT ON HE WOULD CALL EVERY DAY. BUT I WOULD FIND THAT I WOULD GET UPSET, BECAUSE HE FELT THAT HE COULD TELL ME THAT HE LONGER WANTED TO SPEAK TO.ME BUT COULD CALL WHENEVER HE WANTED. ONE NIGHT WE WERE ON THE PHONE AND HE WAS LAUGHING AT MY FEET, WELL O TOLD HOM A JOKE ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED. AND BECAUSE I WAS WEARING SERGICAL SHOES I COYLD NOT FUNCTION THE WAY O WISHED. HE STARTED LAUGHING WAY MORE THAN I THOUGHT WAS NESSACARY SO I SAID THIST TO HIM AND HE GO UPSET AND ASKED WHY COULD JE NOT LAUGH IF MY SISTER WAS LAUGHING AT THE SAME THE SAME THING. I TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD GET UPSET AT MY SISTER IF SHE WAS LAUGHING BEYOND THE POINT WHERE IT WAS FUNNY. THEN I FELT THE SHIFT ON THE CONBRTSATION WHEN SAID TO LET HIM KNOW THE NEW BOUNDRIES AND I SAID OK. HE HUNG UP SOON AFTER. A WEEK PASSED AND I TEXT HIM TO ASK HIM IF HES WAS STILL UPSET BECAUSE I DID MOT LIKE HIM LAUGHINH AT ME AND DID HE STILL WANT US TO DISCONNECT. HE DID NOY ANSWER EITHER ONE OF THE QUESTIONS, WHAT HE DID SAU WAS THAT HE WAS BUSY DOING INTETSTING QUEDTIONABLE YtHINGS. SO I THANKED FOR THE NONANSWER HE PROVIDED AND DIDNT TEXT AGAIN. ONE DAY LATER I GOT A TEXT FROM H ASKING HOW MY DAY WAS I REIED AND SAID OK. HE NEVER REPLIED. THE NEXT DAY I TOLD HIM MOT TO TEXT ME AND TO STAY FOUSED ON WHAT HE WAS DOING.. I KNOW THATHE HAD BEEN PLAYONG GAMES ALL ALONG AND HE NEVER REALLY WANTED ME TO BE MORE THAN WHAT I WAS SO WHY DO I MISS HIM AND HOW DO I GET OVER IT


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

I would be more than happy to continue working with you on any new questions you have. All I ask is that you remember to rate my answers for each new/different question you ask. Thanks!

 

Kate

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