I guess when i was about 13, is when I first noticed being depressed. I felt so "outside" of everything that was going on at the time. I didnt fit in anywhere, especially at home. My mom and step father ignored my most of the time and yelled and hit me the rest of the time. They treated my little sister the complete opposite, they showered her with love and praise. I guess its because she was my stepfather's real daughter, and i was literally the redheaded step child.
I was old enough then to see the different ways the treated us. They never hit her, but they had childrens services called on them for beating me with the metal handle of a fly swatter. Mom hit me with everything she could find; sticks, shoes, remote controls, belts, and as i got older, her fist.
By the time I was 15, I had already been cutting myself for a while. I had kept is secret by cutting on different places. But once my mom caught me, I was scared that she would be mad, but i was more relieved. I thought that she would be worried about me and things would be better. But she just laughed at me and called me melodramatic and told me i better not make a mess.
Things continued this way until I was about 17. My stepfather snuck into my room while i was asleep and crawled into bed with me. I woke up while he was molesting me. Who knows how many times he had done this. He tried to rape me twice. I told my mom and my sister, but they thought I was lying. He had been my stepfather since i was 4 years old. He was like a father to me. He still lives with my mom and sister and i am 26 years old now. I moved in with my boyfreind and his parents very soon afterward. My bfs mother was an alcoholic meth head, who eventually tried to murder me with a broken 40 ounce bottle of King Cobra. I had to move back in with my parents.
I went alot like that for a few more years, bad relationships and drugs. I did
a lot of drugs. But i finally got on a good track. I quit drugs, moved a couple states away from my parents, and met a wonderful man. I have been with him now for 4 years. He takes care of me while I go to school for my RN, he has three girls from a previous marriage, and i love them so much. I get along with them wonderfully. Everything should be great... But its not.
I feel so unhappy all of the time. I think about killing myself more often now. I have even lost alot of the fear i had about suicide, when i was a teenager. I feel defective, like something messed up in the recipe when i was born. I feel empty. i feel like I am missing some vital piece of something, maybe my soul. I have crazy moods swings. sometimes I am so angry I feel like Im going to explode. I cant handle small changes or little problems. My Bf tries to be understanding, but who can handle this? I cant even handle it. I feel like I am going to lose him, and the girls. I think if i lose them, I will have no reason to be here anymore.
I pray to catch some fatal disease, and if its painful it would be even better. I cry all the time. I'm so tired. I read about this fly in Africa, that makes you fall asleep forever. I became obessed with it for awhile. I dropped out of all my classes at school. My Bf doesnt even know yet even though its been a couple semesters. I stopped talking to all my friends and most of my family. Its almsot like i'm already dead. I know there is something wrong with me, that I need help. I took a few of the quizzes on this site and the results said that I "likely" had Major Depressive Disorder
, mild to moderate ADD
, Borderline bipolar
II disorder, and (Borderline) Borderline Personality Disorder
If that is true, then is there even a chance that I could be normal, and be happy? Or will i end up a medication zombie? If i do end up a zombie, how would it be better than this? I feel so hopeless, i dont think anything can help me now. I beleive that my BF will leave me, and i will be alone forever. All my thought point to one solution. How can anyone make this go away?
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place. I cant seem to organize them