Hello my father went into long term care last year. My mother is not coping well at all. He was abusive to us as children. She ignored it and should have done something about it. He developed vascular dementia
one year ago, not one of us kids live in the same area as her except for my schizophrenic sister whom my mother has shunned since my father's illness and whom she verbally abused consistantly as well as my father. My sister, brother and I have been to see her 7 times within the last year and I have had her fly to my house - it is never enough and tells her friends we are horrible children. Each time I have been with her it has been worse. She has been selfish, demanding, coniving, miserable, damaging, manipulative and hateful. Mixed with remnants of the tolerable times which we all hope will return. She is on Ativan and has been on antidepressants. The antidepressant worked so well at one point that my sister actually made plans for her to live near her. She has told us she is unable to tolerate them now and that they make her sick. We do not believe this at all, at all. We all were so relieved and now we are all so very sad
again by her behaviour. I have decided for myself that I can not personally care for her and even speaking with her a couple times a week is difficult. I find myself falling into her behaviours, wierd? I described to someone that it felt like you were being sucked into a vortex when you were speaking with her or with her. I never discussed this with my sister who revealed to me in desperation that she felt as if she would never be happy unless she were as miserable as her. She lives an hour and a half by plane. We are all feeling so guilty and want to deal with this. She is 78 years old and could definitely physically care for herself and even drive, but she chooses to rely on other people (friends) to drive her everywhere. She never says please or thank you when asking for things and sounds more like the "Shift Boss". Her requests do not come across as do me a favour sweetie, but more of a power thing if you get my drift. If an elderly woman is psychologically damaging to their family (who have all already been abused by her in the past), behaves this way, would it be acceptable to telephone her doctor and perhaps have her hospitalized or to suggest to her that unless she go back on the antidepressants that she go into an assisted living building and not expect us to communicate with her? One person told me to be consistantly nice to her and that it would never ever change, and that challenging her or slighting her would provoke her into doing even more damage. What is the best way to deal with this situation??? My father is hospitalized and unable to even be in a nursing home because the stroke
occurred in his "control centre" (which apparently he wasn't very good at anyway).