How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Brad The Therapist Your Own Question

Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience:  10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Brad The Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Fantasy

Customer Question

I am a straight married male. I was in a relationship 30 years ago with a woman I was madly in love with. We were engaged to be married. I was 27 at the time (now 57). Every few months, she would go to the bar, get drunk and then go somewhere with one or sometimes several men and have sex or group sex with them. Afterwards, she would then stay in her room not talking to anybody, cry and read her Bible for a couple of days and then would finally come out. She was remorseful and always honest with me about what she had done (she was later diagnosed as a schizophrenic but I only suspected mental illness at the time). I stayed with her for several years and we had a daughter together. At first I was very jealous of her infidelity and I am sure it hurt my self esteem as I thought we had great sex together and didn't understand her need for going outside of our relationship for more. Because I didn't want to leave her, I think I eroticsized the fear and jealousy and start to be turned on by fantasizing about her with the other men when I masturbated or had intercourse. It became the trigger that would bring me to orgasm. After we split up, it took me over 10 years to get over her and when I was with other women, I still fantasized about her with having sex with the other men. I married my current wife 13 years ago and for the 2nd time in my life fell madly in love. We have always had a very honest relationship and she told me many stories of her past sexual experiences so I started doing the same thing with her; fantasizing about her with other men. This worked fine until about a year ago my original friend from 30 years ago died of cancer. I spent a week with her at the hospice. After that my sexual performance with my wife gradually declined to the point of full ED about 6 months ago. I also started wanting to see my fantasies come true, but it is not something she is interested in at this point in our lives. While I had ED, I had no problem masturbating. I recently found out I am low in testosterone and have started replacement injections which have made me feel better. I have also started taking Cialis which has cured the ED, but now I am having problem having an orgasm with my wife. The fantasies don't work anymore. I can orgasm from masturbation, but have been trying to refrain from doing that because I want to do that with my wife. I am also seeing a therapist as I am sure most of my problems are psychological. I love my wife dearly and would like to get rid of these fantasizes of her with other men as I don't feel they are healthy, no longer seem to work as a trigger to orgasm and I feel guilty thinking these thoughts about my wife who is loyal and faithful. Any thought on how I might work on this stuff? Sometimes I think I have an unusually high libido for my age. I am considering seeing a sex therapist as my regular therapist doesn't see to have a lot of expertise in this area and keeps wanting me to find a religious solution. I want a more clinical solution.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mind MD replied 2 years ago.
You are quite correct in your assessment that a sex therapist would certainly be helpful in this situation, just medicines will not help,However here are a few thoughts that may help,1. Maybe you guys should try role playing or extened fore play lasting at least an hour to stimulate yourselves2. Both of you may consider going to a strip club or gogo show. 3. Ask and consider trying out each others fantasies.Lastly, try not to get too anxious about the erection/ intercourse, try to enjoy the entire act including the foreplay, and being together, rather than looking at it from just the point of view of intercourse,All the best !Please remember to accept the answer by pressing the GREEN accept button, do get back for any clarifications
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
It didn't really say anything I didn't already know. I was looking for a more clinical answer from a sex therapist. I am specifically interested in ways to approach modifying behavior or substitution techniques to gradually change negative fantasies into positive ones.
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your question. Based on the information you have posted, I have a few questions prior to giving suggestions on improving your sexual satisfaction. First when you were masturbating, what are you looking/thinking about when you are being aroused? What is it about your wife that arouses you? After your response, I will be able to give you more specifics of techniques you can use.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
When masturbating I either use my imagination or seek pornography where the woman looks as much as possible like my wife (face, hair color and body type) and the man looks like her lifelong friend and former FWB, who is white and very well endowed (12"). I imagine her having missionary sexual intercourse with him or giving him oral sex. I also think about these same fantasies when I am having intercourse or receiving oral sex from my wife and am getting close to orgasm. It is like it is the trigger to bring on the orgasm, only lately it is not working like it used to for the past 13 years.

Everything about my wife arouses me. Her face and body especially her breasts. Touching her hair. Kissing her. The taste and smell of her when she is sexually aroused. I feel like maybe I am a little obsesively turned on by my wife.
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 2 years ago.
it seems as though you were using the visualization technique when you were mastubating. My suggestion at this point is to replace the imag you had of he lifelong frend and picture yourself reciving oral, missionary, etc. Changing the person in your visualization to yourself and your wife may get you aroused and have an orgasm.
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience: 10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
Brad The Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 

Related Mental Health Questions