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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Good morning, I believe my husband is going through mid life

Resolved Question:

Good morning, I believe my husband is going through mid life crisis. Also, he has a drinking problem, does'nt have a good relationship with our son, and he's having an affair. He's very distant and does'nt want to do anything with us. I know that he wants to be single, but is not doing anything about it. he does not communicate so I have no clue of his plans. I'm making an appointment with a therapist. Should I make the appointment for the entire family or only my husband an myself ?


  I also confronted him about the affair many times, but he never admits to it. He just wants me to be quiet about it, as he has no intentions of ending it.


I'm concerned with how this is affecting my 13 yr old son. We just ignore him and I know that it's not right to live this way.


  We have not been intimate for 2 yrs because there were problems (drinking) that led me not wanting to. He's probably had many affairs, but this one is more serious. He stays out, all the time, uses his friends to make up lies. Comes home 3, 4, 7am in the mornings. On a strict diet, dressed young, obssessed with self  etc. . . .


  Last question. What type of therapist will be best to deal with my husband, because he's reluctant as it is. We saw a therapist about 2 yrs ago, but my husband only went once. That was very hurtful to my son and I. It proved that he did'nt care to fix the problems.  He also compplained that he did'nt want to talk to a young white women about his problems.  


  I know this is very immature. So what type of therapist would you recommend. Male, female, nationality, young, old etc... ?  Someone that he will feel the most comfortable in order to open up.


 


Thanks 

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your questions.

 

It sounds like you and your husband both need to see a therapist. An affair is very harmful to a relationship and can undermine the trust in that relationship, taking away the foundation of the marriage.

 

It sounds like your husband is having a difficult time with being responsible and owning up to what he is doing. Men often have affairs for a variety of reasons. Sex, power and narcissism are often reasons. But they also do it because they can. Women are more likely to stay in a relationship where the husband is cheating because they are more emotionally invested in the marriage. And men often take advantage of this.

 

You have done a lot already to keep your marriage going. But the problem is not you. Your husband is unhappy with himself. If it was the marriage itself or even you and he was ok with himself, he would choose to work on the problem with you, not seek another relationship. An affair is always about the person who is having it, not the other partner. There are many ways to work out problems in a marriage. Having an affair does not help. It only hurts.

You can help yourself and your marriage by working on this issue. The more you can learn about how affairs affect you and your marriage, the better. Here are some resources to help you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/infidelity/MH00110

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman


Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria Harris

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Your son also needs to see a therapist. Your husband is not only ignoring you, but he is ignoring your son who does not understand what is going on nor does he have the power to change it. At this age, your son needs his father's guidance and he is not getting it. You can try finding a therapist to help your son through this so he understands that his father is not being responsible and not providing as he needs to. He also needs to know that your marriage does not represent a healthy one at this point so your son does not repeat what he sees now in his own relationships.

 

Talk to your son's counselor at school. They may be able to recommend a therapist. Or try your son's doctor. You can also search for a therapist at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

When you look for a therapist for you and your husband, use the above link to find someone he may agree to see (they provide pictures). A man may be a good idea if your husband objects to white females. If you can find a black male or a male of a different race, he may agree to that. It doesn't sound like your husband is willing to go to therapy because he sees nothing wrong with his behavior, but it is worth a try. But if he will not go, go yourself. You need support in deciding what you want to do about your marriage.

 

I hope this helps,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Good morning Kate, the information you've given me is very helpful and I greatly appreciate it. Would you know the percentage of men who leave their wives because of mid-life crisis/infedility ? I know that each case is different. I'm just wondering what my chances are.

 

p.s. you will be paid for your advice/help.

 

Thank you so much and have a nice day.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It is a very small percentage, about 10 percent, of men that actually have a mid life crisis. Most men experience a change in hormone levels between age 40 and 50, but not to the scale that women do, and not enough to cause a crisis. Infidelity, while it can be a sign of a mid life crisis, is often more about self centered behavior. It is also about handling unmet needs and emotions in a dysfuntional way. Infidelity is a self centered choice to think of yourself before you think of your spouse or your commitment.

 

Around 20 percent of marriages break up because of affairs. Most people try to work out the problems the affair/s cause before ending the marriage, particularly if there are children involved.

 

The most important thing to remember is that as long as your husband is willing to see what he has done is wrong and work on your marriage, then your relationship can survive.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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