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Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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I have been married now for six months.. i have been in my

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I have been married now for six months.. i have been in my relationship for a year and 3 months now. just last month ago i let down all my guards... I told my husband how much i actually love him and how sorry i am for any pain i have caused and how i am fully commited to our marriage. I told him there will never be a break up option and i will never threaten him with breaking up again.... He has been the best through our whole relationship until now... he opens my door feeds me .. massages me you name it he does it but ever since i opened up he has started being rude .. withdrawing from me and hurting me constantly. What have i done i thought this was a new breakthrough in our relationship but it seems like its falling apart before my eyes.


He has been great to me but I have not always been great to him... I threatened a lot with divorce and break up only to get his attention.. I just want to know what to do i dont want to loose him but i also want him to know my new feelings are serious. I did not expect this reaction and am kind of freaking out. I have been told to ignore the behavior and i already tried telling him. Please help me and tell me what steps i need to take or do to make him see me as a loving wife not a monster. I love him and it seems like my niceness is being shot down.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.

 

This must seem very confusing and unreal to you. Who wouldn't want to hear that his wife really loves him?

 

It seems that your husband is the type of feel that what he does pleases you...and this is how he can accept affection. He needs the challenge to feel worthwhile and to feel that you are work "working for." Back when you were "holding his feet to the fire" he knew he had to be nice to you to keep you.

 

By making the declaration of love, you have taken the challenge out of it for him. And in some strange way, this has made you seem less valuable to him....that's why, when you turned from demanding into loving, he withdrew and became cold to you.

 

If you want this marriage to succeed, you are going to have to accept that this is not a man who can accept love that's just handed to him. He needs to feel he has earned it. The worst thing you can do is act loving to him when he's treating you badly.

 

I hope you're willing to read two books, because I think they will really help you understand what's going on here. All men are this way to some extent--but your husband seems to have an extreme need to have to work for his love.

 

The first is Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl: A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. This explains why men value women who make them work for their love.

 

The second book has the best explanation I have ever read about how and why men and women act and react differently in relationships is in the book How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

 

 

See, the thing is-- he didn't see you as a monster. He saw you as a strong woman who wasn't going to put up with anything. Now that you're chasing after him, trying to tell him you love him, it feels less valuable to him.

 

To make this marriage work, you're going to have to stop trying to convince him you love him, and go back to letting him feel like he has to earn your love. It may take some counseling for you to help you really understand that you were actually meeting his needs better by being demanding than by being nice. As women, it makes little sense to us...but men really are very different than we are--different needs, different ways of thinking.

 

 

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
And how do i do that its not easy to just turn on some bitch switch when i have opened a whole new part of myself. I honestly thought i got married to stop playing games but come to find im still in one. I dont want to be mean anymore but i still want him to look at me as a prize to be won. He is a texas gentleman and i love him for that but i cannot stick by him if he is going to become an asshole. How do i turn that switch back on.. should i distance myself? What are some things i should NOT DO!
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

Well, I'd advise calling him out on his obnoxious behavior. Don't let him "get away" with it. Tell him you won't stand for it (which is not a game...it's the truth).

You've told him you love him, and I'd put off saying any more about that for quite some time.

 

I don't know if it's so much gameplaying as it is holding him accountable, and demanding to be treated with respect. You might consider letting him know that he's becoming an a-hole and you have no intention of staying married to someone like that.

 

Clearly, words of love do not work with this man. Please get that book about How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. It explains why men (most men) value what they have to work for. It's not a game, it's how they're wired.

Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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