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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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my husband has pics of other women on his phone.

Resolved Question:

I am upset that my husband has pics of other women on his phone. I feel that I can never satisfy his want for sex or compete with the girls on his phone. This really hurt my self esteem and trust in him. How can I fix this?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue; but I'm a little unclear about what you want to 'fix'. I think most women would feel that having other women on his phone suggests that he is having contact with other women socially. If you checked his computer, there is a high probability that he is also contacting women on adult friendship or dating sites. Here is the point: Most women would view this behavior as completely unacceptable because it represents a violation of your marital agreement about having an exclusive, monogamous relationship. That is, he is engaged in a form of infidelity and is emotionally 'cheating' on you with these other women. Also, most women would find that when they try to discuss this issue with their husband, he will claim that his actions are harmless and in no way threaten the relationship. He will accuse his wife of being insecure and silly, in her worry about what the pictures mean. He will also accuse his wife of violating his 'privacy'. All of these claims and accusations are designed to protect his pattern of behavior---he fully intends to continue to contact other women.

Here is the real problem----you can 'take it to the bank', as they say. You and your husband probably hold different core, or fundamental beliefs about marriage and whether it is important or not to be fully monogamous. He believes it is o.k. to be married and 'mostly' monogamous, and should be allowed to cheat a bit on the side in terms of socializing with and flirting with other women, and perhaps even acting out sexually. You on the other hand, probably hold the core belief that your marriage should be a 100% exclusive and monogamous relationship. So unfortunately, I suspect you and your husband did not hold the same core, basic beliefs and values about marriage at the time you got married----he may have led you to believe he held the same values as you, but he in fact, probably does not.

I'll pause here and give you a chance to read my reaction to your post and give it a bit of thought, and then react to it. I'm trying to help you better understand the underlying motivations, values and beliefs you hold, versus your husband. What you do about this situation needs to be based on a very clear understanding of the fact that this is really a values conflict, and reveals a serious difference in how much you respect one another. It also suggests that your husband doesn't respect women, in the role of "wife" very highly. What do you think?




Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The first time i came upon these pics on hisphone accidently.He has accused me of violating his privacy and has told that my feelings are signs of being unstable and having low self esteem. He made it clear that my feelings were stupid. His actions have caused me to have low self esteem, becausei cannot compete and shouldnt have to. I do not know if the pictures are random downloads of strangers from the Internet or coming from a woman that he is having a relationship with. I do not know how to confront him properly. I have told him about it before, but like I mentioned, he still has them on his phone. This time I actually was sneaky and checked his phone without his knowing because my trust was completely shattered from the first time and has created a fear in me that he has cheated, but I have no proof at all that he has. How do I confront him properly and let him know that the situation is serious.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
As you can see, your husband acted exactly as I pointed out he would. He is attempting to avoid the issue of his emotional infidelity by turning the blame on to you---making you the problem, rather than his own behavior. This is predictable and typical of guys who do this sort of thing.

I wouldn't confront him right now about this because you don't have any real power or leverage---that is, you don't have anything but pictures on the phone. These are NOT simply pictures he randomly downloaded but they are almost certain to be pictures of women is is interacting with---pictures they shared with him. I would think that the real questions for you right now are: 1) do you want to know for sure whether he is cheating on your or not? 2) if you did find out he was seeing other women, what are you going to do about it exactly?

There are ways to find out if he is cheating---but it depends on whether you want to know, what you'd do with the discovery of cheating if you found it, and whether you want to expend the time energy and a bit of money to collect the information.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
This is the horrible husband that she is writing about. I think she may have twisted the story around the wrong way. You see, I work in a blue colar job as night shift. Most of the guys I work with have crazy perverted minds and send nasty text messages as male humor. Kind of like hey man look at this and they see who can out gros the other. The pictures arent of any woman that I see or talk to and I definitely am not cheating on my wife. Just thought I'd add that since that is what you wrote.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
My wife left this page open, and i just read your comments.This is the horrible husband that she is writing about? I think she may have twisted the story around the wrong way. You see, I work in a blue colar job as night shift. Most of the guys I work with have crazy perverted minds and send nasty text messages as male humor. Kind of like hey man look at this and they see who can out gros the other. The pictures arent of any woman that I see or talk to and I definitely am not cheating on my wife. Just thought I'd add that since that is what you wrote.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
The real theme here is that "chelle" doesn't feel respected or reassured in the relationship. I suspect this may go beyond the pictures on the cell phone; she is experiencing a great deal of anxiety and distress because for whatever reason, she is feeling insecure.

With regard to the pics and your explanation: If you wanted to reassure her, you could easily pay to obtain a full date-by-date listing of the text messages and the pictures that were attached to them (i.e., sent from the 'guys' at work)----give her permission to ask for these from the cell phone provider. This would put the pictures on your cell phone in the right context---supporting your explanation of how they came to be on the cell phone. A day by day or week by week record of the text messages and pics should explain everything, correct? Your explanation makes perfectly good sense, but by themselves, the pics would make any husband look really suspect, right?
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
I see you read my last post.......any response from you at this point? If not, please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen at this time. This is the only way I receive credit for answering your question. THANKS.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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