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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My boyfriend of 6.5 years is depressed, although wont admit

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend of 6.5 years is depressed, although won't admit that he is. He ended up relationship last week because of something I said, which in all fairness, was pretty minor on the scale of things.

He suffers with dreadful health such as fybromialgia, spinal stenosis, sciatica, arthritis in the neck and is in considerable pain constantly and has chronic fatigue due to the fibromyalgia.

He's basically told me he doesnt want to hear from me again - he does this quite a lot. We've split up many times and we got back together 6 months ago after a 2.5 year break.

I have been kind to him - helped him financially as he cannot work (paid for food, given a monthly sum towards the upkeep of his son as his mother is not around), been as supportive as I can whilst living 75 miles away, running a business with 2 children of my own.

I feel very let down - he wont reply to any texts and if i call (which has been twice in last week) he makes me feel like ive committed a terrible crime.

What is the best thing to do? Leave him alone, let him know that im worried about him and love him etc? Really not sure anymore. He's done this soooo many times but always comes back in the end....
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to control your relationship by ending it whenever he feels like it. This causes you to try to mend the situation, which in turn makes him feel wanted and lets him be the center of attention.

 

From what you said, it seems that your relationship is very one sided. You support him, are there for him and deal with his behavior, all while trying to carry on with your work and family with no support from him. One sided relationships can drain you pretty quickly and make you feel alone. A relationship needs to be a give and take. Given your boyfriend's physical issues, your relationship may be less of a give and take than most, but for the most part your boyfriend should try to make it more even and provide you with support as well.

 

Ignoring your texts and refusing to contact you is an immature response. It is always best to ignore this kind of behavior. Paying attention to him while he is acting out is going to reinforce his behavior and he will keep doing it as long as it is effective.

 

Try backing off when he breaks up with you. Tell him that you are sorry he feels that way but he has the right to end the relationship. Then do not contact him. If he calls you, then wait a while to call him back, maybe a day or so. Try to minimize your response to his behavior. This will help him see that you will not respond to his acting out and the charge he gets out of doing it will then stop.

 

If your boyfriend keeps doing this to you, you may want to re evaluate the relationship. People who manipulate in this manner usually do not stop and sometimes even get worse. This kind of relationship is going to be a drain on you unless he is willing to see what he is doing and change. You can also suggest therapy if he is willing to go. He needs to see that he has a problem and find better ways to express his feelings.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate

 

Thank you - you've reiterated what i already know, it's just hard. He is very sensitive and I cannot say anything bad to him like I did the other day as he takes it all to heart too easily and ends things as says he cant cope.

 

I cant suggest therapy to him - as far as he's concerned nothing works, no tablets, no pain killers no councelling etc.

 

I guess he's lost control in many parts of his life and feels I am the only thing left he can control.

 

Perhaps I should become a therapist myself! ha ha!

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome! I know it's not easy to deal with. You are probably right, he has nothing else to control so he tries to control the relationship.

 

Thank you ahead of time for your accept,

 

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.