You have given me much to look into and try to see if I missed anything - one issue right off, I have lousy insurance now so having therapy is out, expense if out.
Always in my life, I managed to be successful at dieting, health, and exercise on my own, once in a while going to a gym but I hated it.
I started gaining weight when I was only 15 and it has been an issue for me all my life. I am 73. For the most part I was able to stay thin, normal. At one point I joined a judo group, studied very much, became excellent at it, and was in excellent condition, That was right after the birth of my two babies. I have never been in such good condition either mentally or physically since those years. I could not continue martial arts .
You can imagine that I have tried to turn over every stone, including years of psycho-therapy. Those years were the most helpful and I was able to maintain decent weight at that time, also able to stay on diets, limit eating and be reasonable. But I smoked cigarettes and drank on occasion. When I stopped smoking, I totally lost ability to control my weight, back in 1990 give or take.
Every diet works if you stay on it, I recognize that I am not able to do that. The type of diet does not matter. My own preferences read like the model diet of the world for health and fitness and normal weight, 88 %. The hidden 12 % ( I just made those % up, it's more like 95 % perfect - 5 % the opposite), is when I can sit and graze on foods that I don't even like or find tasty, or eat a package of sugar palmette cookies in a day with green tea that don't even taste very good to me.
I keep wondering why in the name of sanity I do that , and I have no answer.
I do really seem helpless to limit these excesses. I am searching to find the 'why' for me, what the payoff is eating like this, ( As DR Phil McGraw would say ) when I hate and despise the results so much and myself in the process. Meanwhile, I am eating huge salads, shredded beats & cabbage, half a boneless chicken breast, never fried anything, and this because I love this food, not because it is low calorie or just ' healthy' for me.
A lot of crappy stuff has happened to me over the years but nothing compared to many people - now, I have a nice husband of 25 years, some great kids, some not so great, but no crisis disasters, nice dogs, a decent house, vehicles to drive me where I want to go, camping in the Keys summers, Disneyland in winters, we went on a couple of cruise ships finally last year. Yes of course there are some trauma areas, but nothing we aren't in the process of taking care of.
I would love to be able to go back into therapy, but it is out of the question for me, financially. Also finding some to trust and relate to is difficult. Mostly I'd find some young, inexperienced, kid doing pro-bono work for their degree, someone less intelligent, less educated, and less experienced than I am myself, and it was impossible to relate to them or take their advice seriously either.
It is impossible to have someone directing you when you have already been there and done that a dozen times or more.
There were warnings over my life of some kind of mis-fire, some flaw, in me. I'd gain 100 pounds, literally and actually, almost over night, a pound a day, then like I was waking up from a nightmare
, I'd snap to attention and lose it almost as dramatically, with no problem. Liquid diets some days, going to 600 calories for a few days, always, always studying nutrition, taking vitamins supplements. Then came the non smoking clinic that worked 25 years ago and the weight gain to 330 pounds with no end in sight.
I had a gastro by pass, did
well, had 5 plastic surgery operations, then fell in a cement ditch, destroyed my foot , didn't walk for almost 2 years and started to gain weight again. Now here I am, I have gained back about half of the weight I lost having the gastro by pass, 160 pounds, have gained back 65 of those pounds, even though now I am walking again ok. Not dancing but walking, swimming, and so on.
Yes I am angry but mostly afraid that I won't be able to stop this weight gaining thing. I keep yelling in my own ear, ''WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ? HOW CAN I FIX IT ? '' But I have found no answer to give myself. I find OA just foolish, with nice but foolish, lonely people who are lying to themselves. Darn.