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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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Ok thanks, XXXXX XXXXX enlightening.. I think perhaps her family

Customer Question

Ok thanks, XXXXX XXXXX enlightening..

I think perhaps her family were preocupied with their son who had ADHD and OCD and I get the feeleing as she was normal as such, she was just sent of to school without much... Even when she had an eating disorder she couldnt really see much of her family and I think she spent a lot of tine with her family friend who lived down the road. They seem to be like 2nd parents to her...

As for being socially retarded, she seemed perfectly normal but alot of people (inlcuding me to begin with) thought she was rather stupid in a way... Pefectly inteligent, but just lacking in common sence... She struggles with numbers etc.. and I think going to university would have been a big culture change for her... alchohol, parties etc.. i get the impresssion there was none of that before she left school..


So I wonder is it a combination of the two? But - there are some females - and alot of guys - who do behave promiscuously. I knew at the time many girls who had slept with 15+ guys since being at uni and nobody really seemed to bat an eye lid. Now they definately didnt appear to have any reason behind it so how does my ex gf compare to this? Another thing i used to keep thinking was is this girl just a "slag" like all those other girls.. I was and still am desperate to try and find a reason for her behaviour... which i think your last reply explained...

Am i making sence or am I just talking nonsence now?

Thanks again for your time. She hasnt been my girlfriend for a year but im still madly in love and trying to figure out what on earth happened!


Lastly, what about me? At the age of 26 how do I move on with my life knowing i have probably met and lost the girl i should have married? I cannot imagine there is another girl as lovely and perfect for me as she was?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Regarding your words above: "she seemed perfectly normal but a lot of people (including me to begin with) thought she was rather stupid in a way... Perfectly intelligent, but just lacking in common sense... She struggles with numbers etc.."

She is missing something. This happens sometimes with people. They are just missing a 'chip' so to speak.

The person can be totally normal or above in all areas but just be missing an area or two. So with her it may have been something like: She didn't think about things much, it felt good to get the attention, it felt good to have the physical contact, she figured this is how you find a boyfriend, all the guys expected it, this must be what you do. Interestingly her behavior did lead to her getting a boyfriend, her behavior had negative consequences in the long term but it worked for a while.

Now the part that you have to be realistic about is, what ever her deficit(s) are, they would appear eventually in other ways and they would still be problematic for you, especially when it comes to raising your children.

Don't be so sure you have missed your 'one and only', you have a lot of life ahead of you and there could very well be one more suited for you than even she was.

Don't despair.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
How confident are you that any deficits she had would have come out later? Beucase for the good few years inbetween my episodes, things were fantastic.. i couldnt fault her.. making me happy and looking after me was very high on her priority list.. as she was on mine. So it just seems a complete waste that we broke up for existing reasons... for things that had already been and gone. How can you say for sure these deficits would have ocme out...? And more importantly, what if i meed someone who seems equally as lovely/nice/ideal etc but turns out they have slept with 20+ people... am i going to go through all this again? Have a breakdown and try and find reasons/explanations?

Im trying not to despair, but that relationship had all the wonderful things any can. Except my lingering problems with her past! She has a new boyfriend which kills me. There are photos of them all happy together all over facebook. Thats hard to take...

Last question, How could she move on so easily when I cant..? I heard she had this new boyfriend 4 months after we broke up.. A year later, im still completely in love with her and she seems completely in love with someone else..? Is this normal for a female? Or is this just another sympton of her "missing a chip" etc....?

T
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
I think the moving on so fast thing is indicative that you guys aren't very compatible emotionally. She just seems to be missing something emotional or mental or ? that makes her short in the relational category.

I don't think you will select someone who is/was so casual about having sex next time. You will go into the next relationship more aware of both yourself (your needs) and the other person's history.

As far as deficits becoming apparent later: I think ultimately you are looking for someone you can be with life long and have children with. That is a long time, and there will be multiple stresses in the process. Through the ups and downs of marriage and childrearing our weakness becomes exposed and we have to work on them or live with them. If you didn't make it together in the early stages of the relationship how would you work out the long term challenges?

If you have only done one 'Accept' please do another. Also we can continue to visit more as wanted or needed.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Mark Manley and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i accepted this and sent a reply. I think just 1 or 2 more replies should be enough.. thanks again for your time. If you could just reply to my reply then i think we will nearly be there.

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for the 'Accept'

You sent your most recent question on a new thread so I found it and replied.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
oh ok, sorry.. pressed the wrong button i think.

Yeh about not having an argument in 5 years..

We just got on really well.. We are both calm, laid back people and making each other happy was high in each others priority list..

I often thought she was a bit of a pushover with things - not me, but i mean she never liked any confrontation.. she almost accepted she would never have her way so just went along with things.. It made me sad. As ive mentioned before, i always wondered about her upbringing, the eating disorder, boarding school etc... She always seemed happy to just go along with what other people wanted..Eg, nights out.. she would never say "I want to do this" - she would alwyas just tell me "Laura wants to do this so we are going there etc.." I think she was always happy to just go along with what I wanted, but I always valued her opinions and wanted to do what ever she wanted to do.Even with simple things with where to go out for dinner that night... I would always try and do what she wanted.

I loved her a lot so would always try and consult/communicate with her about things in our relationship.. weekend plans, train times, etc..

What are your thoughts on this? Do you have any more ideas about her..?I think this pushover characteristic has a big part to play in my problems with her... ie, she was pushed over by these other guys so easily.


What you have said previously has helped me put things into perspective, thank you. ive re-read it all alot. The problem with me is that im a scientist by nature. I like numbers, facts and answers and that's what im in need of here, although I know i may not get it.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
So there are two dynamics here. She is excessively passive and she seems to have difficulty making a deep emotional connection that she is willing to fight for or about. When you started having problems the second time regarding her past she just gave up. In a normal five year relationship as close as yours was the other person would say "I don't know how we are going to resolve this but we will find a way, and if needed lets get some help." Instead she just gave up. Based on what you have told me she is not a deep feeler, deep thinker or deep connector. She will need to find some one who is equally satisfied with living on a more surface level. You tried to live on that shallow level, you really tried, but ultimately even though you couldn't conceptualize or verbalize your dissatisfaction you couldn't live at that level.

The proof of what I am talking about is that you have spent hours trying to understand her promiscuity and you have been broken hearted by the loss of the relationship, she looked at you in a puzzled way and walked away from the relationship, and in a short period of time has found a new best boy friend.

I am not criticizing her or putting her down, I am pointing out that in these areas that are important to you she is not capable and therefore you are not compatible.

As far as numbers to quantify all this theory, I will just say that some things are very hard to quantify, I would give it a couple of hundred years (or more) before we can quantify the myriad workings of the human psyche. Until then we will just have to keep this mostly an art.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Mark Manley and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thank you. you have done so much with that answer. I have been struggling to formulate such an explanation for many months now, and I think now I have one. I have thought of her as "shallow" for a while and many close friends/family have questioned why she just walked away after 5 years. She said it was because she just couldnt go through another episode of being made to feel bad about her self.

Its just so difficult accepting that it wouldnt have worked, when as you say, on a surface level it was fantastic. A truely wonderful time and I feel like i knew her 100%. She would have been a wonderful mother to my children and its heartbreaking describing her as "shallow".


Thank you for your time.. You have really helped.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
She could only teach your children what she knows or is willing to learn. I am not sure you would have been totally happy with her mothering limitations especially as the children get into the more complex teen and beyond years. Also if you knew her 100% we wouldn't be having this discussion, now would we?

Be sure that you are spending equal time learning about and knowing yourself (a life long process), this is truly the only person you will live with no matter what.

Regards,
Mark

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
interesting. I do however genuinely feel that the only thing that halted this seemingly wonderful relationship, was my depression/obsession with her past.., which came back inexplicably after 4 years.

But just to confirm, you believe that this is a resulted of a deep seated incompatibility between us?

You sayd she couldnt teach our children what she doesnt know. But I believe her past was due to immaturity and she has learned.. She is such a warm and lovely girl. I think shel be a fantastic mother.

Last post i promise,
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
No problem.

The question is why were you obsessing on the issue.

A) You had deep seated (even unconscious) concerns about your compatibility. For as great as it was, you knew deep down, somewhere inside, something significant was amiss or missing in the relationship. You didn't know what, and couldn't find out, so your mind re-started obsessing on her past using it as 'the reason' for your dissatisfaction. The mind doesn't like to be out of control (not knowing what is wrong) and will hurry to fill in the blanks (especially when we are hurting) with what ever seems most plausible.
This, is the theory we have been exploring together.

B) You have an unconscious self destructive bent that couldn't be satisfied until you sabotaged the perfectly good relationship you had with your dream woman. This could be based on some type of a shame or inferiority complex developed in childhood.
We haven't explored this one.

C) You are a very prideful person who would rather flush a great relationship with a woman perfect for you than see yourself as one of a group of 10+, even if you were 'the one' of the 10+ she picked and wanted to have something more significant with. You were too prideful to acknowledge her growth and change and forgive her for her indiscretion. Too prideful to be the winner, you had to be the only contestant.
We haven't explored this one together either.


I am still leaning towards 'A'. I buy that she is lovely, I buy that she is easy to be with, I buy that she is wonderful in many ways. I just don't buy that the two of you were madly in love and that she offered to you all that you have been looking for in a life long mate. I think, that though you wish she was/is the one, she just isn't.


If you want to explore 'B', 'C' or ? together, I am at your service.

If we are done or if we are going to continue please click on 'Accept' as it is that time again.

Looking forward to your thoughts.

Thanks.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley


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