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Thanks for contacting Just Answer. Let me see if I can help here....
I have read your post a couple of times and I am sorry you find yourself in this trying situation....
This is definitely a very tough spot you both have put yourselves in and unfortunately it's something that cannot be undone.
Having said that, I have worked with several other couples in similar situations (and some even worse) and if both partners want to work it out, it can be done.
The first thing you both must recognize is that you have hurt each other and you are both hurting.
What can you say to her???? Well, it's not as simple as saying anything....
There are no "magic words" to fix this.
I don't suspect you have a mental problem - (and frankly no one could say if you do or no on a site such as this) but I think you have a relationship problem.
It's good to hear that you are willing to get clinical help - but this situation is going to take collaborative efforts from you BOTH if it is going to be fixed.
You both have made mistakes. You both must be willing to work on changing your behavior to make things right and move forward with an effective marriage.
I understand that it is a "crisis" situation at this moment, but you need to talk together and see what you are both willing to do to save this marriage - and it certainly can be saved :) if both want to save it.
It is my intention to give you a good answer to your question on this site, but please don't think that anyone could solve this situation for you in this forum.
What I can do is tell you the steps you have to take to get you to the place you want to be....
First - You must make an appointment with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
You will certainly get the opportunity to speak to her face to face - I can't tell you the time frame, but you most certainly will....
You have BOTH been hurt - that hurt will leave a scar no matter what, but it can heal if you are willing to work at it.
Until you make an appointment with a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) you will both continue in this vicious cycle of hurting each other and feeling guilty.
One of the things that the MFT will work on is getting you both to realize this pattern of behavior and how it is hurting you both. Then you will have to work on forgiveness... Then she will help you with changing your pattern of behavior so you can both get what you want and give each other what you want then to enjoy - just like the opposite of what you have been doing recently.
It sounds like things were going well for many years - the MFT will likely get you to recognize what you need to do to get that back :)
As far as a recommendation, you can find MFT's in the Ashland area via the web. My recommendation is just that you choose a LIcensed MFT, not a social worker or a psychologist, etc.
The triggers could be your pain, simple temptation, etc, The triggers are not as important as changing your behavior (and her behavior).
It's OK (the number of questions). I am here to help and I know you are hurting - and I know that the situation is not lost :)
You asked about trust.... That is the $ Million question! That is going to take work and that is one of the biggest reasons for the MFT. Trust is the foundation of all good relationships.
Of all the things that are troubling both of you, TRUST is certainly at or near the top of the list. Until you repair that trust, you both will relive your pain every time you are out of each others site - which will be a marriage ender :)
You must work on trust and forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you excused each other's mistakes - it means that you both admit to the hurt and pain and recognize that there will be scars, but agree to help each other heal.
Again, this is something that I could work with you on in a therapeutic relationship, but on this site I can only give answers and guidance. The good news is...
An MFT will be so capable of guiding you both through this - it is a situation that she or he will have dealt with so many times - you will feel such relief after even one visit - you will start to see so much more clearly and you will see a way out and a much clearer vision to end your confusion and pain.
If she won't go with you at first, then you go the first time by yourself (hopefully she will go at first). But even if you go by yourself, it will be a giant leap to recovery :)
In my experience, when one partner won't go at first, then do end up going to the second or third session :)
You see, I will be totally up front with you - you asked for something to say to bring her back - if I gave some sage words to get her back, that would only be a temporary fix. You would still be struck in this vicious cycle of dyfsunctional behavior. You need to break the patter and create something that is going to work :)
You may want to share this conversation with her - some of my customers have done this and it has helped - it shows her that you are really trying :)
I understand - start with small steps. Don't try and fix this in one day. It will take time, but I'm hearing from you that it is worth it :)
The help you mentioned started here with me and the next step is to follow up with the MFT :)
She will understand - maybe little by little, but she will understand :)
Please don't label yourself a liar - you have lied yes. But you must "see" yourself not as a liar, but as someone who is hurting and starting to take charge of his life by enlisting the help of professionals. Be future oriented :)
I love the idea of the book Fireproof! Please start on that today!!!!!
The trust you are asking for is not going to come until you do the work that you have laid out for you. But once you start Fireproof you will have taken step one! Definitely staying home together!!!!!! Give yourselves space in the home, but you need to sleep under the same roof!!!!!! I hope I have helped and answered your questions. It is always my intention to exceed the expectations of my clients - I hope I have done that here. You will be in my prayers
If you have more questions please don't hesitate to post them, but if you are satisfied with my efforts, please don't forget to click on the green accept button because I need to get credit for my work.