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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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I have a great wife... We have been together since high school!

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I have a great wife... We have been together since high school! I am 30 now... We were perfect together and then we got married in 2009. Things just seems to start falling apart in 2010. She started leaving on the weekend to hang out with single girlfriends... All the time. She was going to office parties and I was home alone... I found her texting guys she met in out of town and talking to guys on facebook... She changes her appearance and the way she dressed and acted to me. To me... In my mind she was cheating...

Fast forward... She did this for over a year off and on... I began drinking uncontrollably... Then I figured if she was gonna do this I was too... So I began talking to a girl and let it go to far... My wife had stopped everything at this point... Dropped the friend and deleted Facebook. I got caught talking to the girl first... Promised I would not do it again and my wife the girl and the girls mom had confrontations. A couple weeks later we were talking again and it went to far.... I got caught again... I told my wife everything... She gave me another chance... Then the girls mom sent me a text about getting their car worked on... I answered before I though... I promised my wife I would not talk to anyone in that family again... Ever... I sent back see Dave... She said something else... I said K!!! Then I got caught about that and lied about it at first... Then it's new years... My wife makes plans to go back out with the single girl and leave me home alone while we are trying to fix this... And yes... The girl had made contact with me again and I did. Not stop it... Then I made plans to see her while my wife is gone with her friend... My wife found out... I had put a stop to the plans and was not going to go thru with it in the end but that does not matter because the intent was there. I do not have feelings for the girl... I just got mad that she was leaving to do her thing again was making plans... But I love my wife and I want to fix this... Please help me stop lying to my wife and how do I get past the feeling that she cheated on me first... And stop contacting the other girl
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 2 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting Just Answer. Let me see if I can help here....

Customer: Please help... She is about done with me and the lies... And the other girl... And my wife ismy life
AgapeDoc :

I have read your post a couple of times and I am sorry you find yourself in this trying situation....

AgapeDoc :

This is definitely a very tough spot you both have put yourselves in and unfortunately it's something that cannot be undone.

AgapeDoc :

However....

AgapeDoc :

Having said that, I have worked with several other couples in similar situations (and some even worse) and if both partners want to work it out, it can be done.

Customer: What can I do? What do I say to her?
AgapeDoc :

The first thing you both must recognize is that you have hurt each other and you are both hurting.

AgapeDoc :

What can you say to her???? Well, it's not as simple as saying anything....

Customer: Do I have a mental problem?
AgapeDoc :

There are no "magic words" to fix this.

Customer: I figured this but she is on the verge of leaving and I just want her to know I will get clinical help and is it possible to fix me
AgapeDoc :

I don't suspect you have a mental problem - (and frankly no one could say if you do or no on a site such as this) but I think you have a relationship problem.

Customer: She has gave me 3 chances and I have messed up every time within 3 months
Customer: I do not want to loose her and I do want to fix this... What steps would you recommend?
AgapeDoc :

It's good to hear that you are willing to get clinical help - but this situation is going to take collaborative efforts from you BOTH if it is going to be fixed.

AgapeDoc :

You both have made mistakes. You both must be willing to work on changing your behavior to make things right and move forward with an effective marriage.

AgapeDoc :

I understand that it is a "crisis" situation at this moment, but you need to talk together and see what you are both willing to do to save this marriage - and it certainly can be saved :) if both want to save it.

AgapeDoc :

It is my intention to give you a good answer to your question on this site, but please don't think that anyone could solve this situation for you in this forum.

AgapeDoc :

However....

Customer: She is in the town that started our problems with the friend I don't like right now
AgapeDoc :

What I can do is tell you the steps you have to take to get you to the place you want to be....

Customer: She is with the friend right now... In the town that started this
AgapeDoc :

First - You must make an appointment with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Customer: I need to talk to her face to face
AgapeDoc :

You will certainly get the opportunity to speak to her face to face - I can't tell you the time frame, but you most certainly will....

AgapeDoc :

You have BOTH been hurt - that hurt will leave a scar no matter what, but it can heal if you are willing to work at it.

AgapeDoc :

But...

AgapeDoc :

Until you make an appointment with a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) you will both continue in this vicious cycle of hurting each other and feeling guilty.

AgapeDoc :

One of the things that the MFT will work on is getting you both to realize this pattern of behavior and how it is hurting you both. Then you will have to work on forgiveness... Then she will help you with changing your pattern of behavior so you can both get what you want and give each other what you want then to enjoy - just like the opposite of what you have been doing recently.

Customer: Do you recommend anyone mft in eastern ky
AgapeDoc :

It sounds like things were going well for many years - the MFT will likely get you to recognize what you need to do to get that back :)

Customer: But how do I explain why I was willing to backset in the past couple of days...
Customer: I don't know what is triggering this... I know I have no feeling for the other girl
Customer: And my wife feels like I am willing to just throw her away... And how can she ever trust me again?
AgapeDoc :

As far as a recommendation, you can find MFT's in the Ashland area via the web. My recommendation is just that you choose a LIcensed MFT, not a social worker or a psychologist, etc.

Customer: I know this is a lot of questions but I need this
AgapeDoc :

The triggers could be your pain, simple temptation, etc, The triggers are not as important as changing your behavior (and her behavior).

AgapeDoc :

It's OK (the number of questions). I am here to help and I know you are hurting - and I know that the situation is not lost :)

Customer: Right... But if I can fix the triggers can't I be strong and avoid them
AgapeDoc :

You asked about trust.... That is the $ Million question! That is going to take work and that is one of the biggest reasons for the MFT. Trust is the foundation of all good relationships.

AgapeDoc :

AND

AgapeDoc :

Of all the things that are troubling both of you, TRUST is certainly at or near the top of the list. Until you repair that trust, you both will relive your pain every time you are out of each others site - which will be a marriage ender :)

AgapeDoc :

So....

AgapeDoc :

You must work on trust and forgiveness.

AgapeDoc :

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you excused each other's mistakes - it means that you both admit to the hurt and pain and recognize that there will be scars, but agree to help each other heal.

Customer: Makes sense
AgapeDoc :

Again, this is something that I could work with you on in a therapeutic relationship, but on this site I can only give answers and guidance. The good news is...

AgapeDoc :

An MFT will be so capable of guiding you both through this - it is a situation that she or he will have dealt with so many times - you will feel such relief after even one visit - you will start to see so much more clearly and you will see a way out and a much clearer vision to end your confusion and pain.

Customer: What if she will not agree to go?
AgapeDoc :

If she won't go with you at first, then you go the first time by yourself (hopefully she will go at first). But even if you go by yourself, it will be a giant leap to recovery :)

AgapeDoc :

In my experience, when one partner won't go at first, then do end up going to the second or third session :)

Customer: Ok... :) I just want to fix this
Customer: I love her and do not want to loose her but I do not want to cause her this pain... She does not deserve it
AgapeDoc :

You see, I will be totally up front with you - you asked for something to say to bring her back - if I gave some sage words to get her back, that would only be a temporary fix. You would still be struck in this vicious cycle of dyfsunctional behavior. You need to break the patter and create something that is going to work :)

Customer: I understand and agree
AgapeDoc :

You may want to share this conversation with her - some of my customers have done this and it has helped - it shows her that you are really trying :)

Customer: I just don't want her to give up on me
Customer: I can do this but I need help
Customer: Yes... But I want to get help and fix this
AgapeDoc :

I understand - start with small steps. Don't try and fix this in one day. It will take time, but I'm hearing from you that it is worth it :)

Customer: Ip justw need her to understand I am not trying to tear us apart
AgapeDoc :

The help you mentioned started here with me and the next step is to follow up with the MFT :)

Customer: Oh it is worth it... She's is the love of my life.... I just don't show it.... I have turned into a liar
AgapeDoc :

She will understand - maybe little by little, but she will understand :)

Customer: How about the book fireproof... Should I try that too... As I am moving forward into therapy
AgapeDoc :

Please don't label yourself a liar - you have lied yes. But you must "see" yourself not as a liar, but as someone who is hurting and starting to take charge of his life by enlisting the help of professionals. Be future oriented :)

Customer: Ok...
Customer: I cando that
AgapeDoc :

I love the idea of the book Fireproof! Please start on that today!!!!!

Customer: I will
Customer: I will get an appointment
Customer: How do I get her to trust that she needs to give me a fouth chance?
Customer: So I can make all of this work and her see it... Slowly improving?
Customer: Would you recommend space or staying at home together
AgapeDoc :

The trust you are asking for is not going to come until you do the work that you have laid out for you. But once you start Fireproof you will have taken step one! Definitely staying home together!!!!!! Give yourselves space in the home, but you need to sleep under the same roof!!!!!! I hope I have helped and answered your questions. It is always my intention to exceed the expectations of my clients - I hope I have done that here. You will be in my prayers

AgapeDoc :

If you have more questions please don't hesitate to post them, but if you are satisfied with my efforts, please don't forget to click on the green accept button because I need to get credit for my work.

AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
AgapeDoc and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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