Hi, I just wanted to make certain that you would be replying and not another individual.
We spoke, previously, about the children of my spouse to be.
To start at the beginning just a bit, and then get to the solution, background.
We met in 2008. I was divorcing, and he was in a marriage, where both parties had agreed to see other people. I was concerned about the nebulous nature of things, so kept the relationship friendly, but distant.
There was always something there, and in 2010, we finally gave up the pretense and committed to the relationship.
Both my guy and his ex to be were in relationships. Both agreed to file for divorce at the end of 2010.
As you may recall, I have a daughter, who my spouse to be has had happy, ongoing interactions with, since 2011. We all have a wonderful time together, and my daughter has an equally happy relationship with her own father, so no boundary issues.
Another piece, our children reside in different states. My spouse to be is here in my home state when his children are with their mother. So, he spends half of his time here with myself and my daughter, and the other half of his time with his children.
He has two children, the same age as my daughter, two boys.
Sadly, in spite of having her own relationship and being the one who initially suggested the "seeing other people scenario" the ex to be has now cast herself as the victim who was cheated upon.
She had always had a difficult time relating to her children, and she was downright tantrumish and abusive in the marriage. So, the children were steeped in a climate of unhealthy destructive behavior.
The one child has never gotten on well with her, and still does not, and the other child has now begun to gravitate towards her because she is encouraging some activities that his father is not, namely leaving his regular school for four months to attend a sports academy. So, it is a whole litany of 'Mom supports me and you do not, I hate you" being directed at the father (my spouse to be.)
We agreed that given the mercurial nature of the children's mother, bringing up me and our relationship was not a good idea. In spite, of feeling this wat, my spouse to be feel guilty about hiding our life from his sons, and for having such a deep relationship with my daughter.
Back in October, the child who wishes to go to the sports school, broke into his mother's Email, and found a batch of highly explicit, sexual letters written by his mother. He became wildly upset, and so did
his mother. She then demanded that my spouse to be tell his children about me. Given, that he was having difficulty with the notion of hiding our relationship, he welcomed the opportunity to share my existence with his sons.
It was a not too happy reaction from either, but the sports son really was upset about all of the deception.
We decided that the best thing to do was to have a few calls and casual mentions of me happen around the boys, just to normalize things a bit, and acclimate the boys to the notion of us. Well, each time he tried to speak to me on the phone, there were a barrage of remarks made by the boys. The one son spouting off things designed to tease his father like "does she know about all you ex wives" and "did you tell her that you have a meth lab in the basement?" (obviously, neither of these things are true.) The son who has been siding with the mother just remarks "oh it's the bitch." He, according to my spouse to be, has his mother's nastiness, and often sounds just like her in his speech.
We continued with these attempts, and after the calls their father would always talk with them about the inappropriateness of their actions.
Just last week, my spouse to be asked me to come to visit him at his home. His attorney saw no problem with my visit, but encouraged us to keep a low profile, which we did.
Well, the one son needed help with an important essay, and he wanted his father's help, and it was agreed that they would work on the project at a cafe, just the two of them. Given, that we know the mother's personality, we decided that she should know that I was there, but would not be with the child during the work, so there would be no room for later assertions of trying of dishonesty on our part.
Well, of course, she flipped out that I was there. "How dare you bring her here?" Then the other son chiming in with "I told you never to bring your slut here, and I f***ing hate you Dad." Angry texts and emails followed all day, night and into the next day.
The meeting with the other son still commenced. He wanted to meet me, so I came outside and said a brief hello after their work. His son smiled at me, shook my hand, and was clearly nervous. He then informed me that he had pranked me, and I found out that his prank was rubbing toothpaste all over a makeup case, and hiding a shoe. Neither prank really bothered me, but his father was concerned. So, he asked him about the pranks, and his son claimed that he was protecting his territory. When my spouse to be and I spoke on the phone tonight, he clearly stated, "did you tell her that the joke is on her because you have crabs," referring to his father, again not true.)
So, we have an ex to be brainwashing/buying the affections one child. One child who is curious about me, wanted to meet me, but makes odd comments. hen, we have one child who sees me as the Slut/bitch.
Fortunately, we all liv ein differing towns, so there really is not much need for a huge amount of interaction. We actually, could not interact at all.
The problem is that my spouse to be has guilt about having this "other family" behind his children's back, and I think he feels guilty for having this involved loving relationship with my daughter.
I was the child of a blended family, and my first marriage was one where there was already a child from a prior marriage. So, I have been on both sides of the issue. I can understand where many of his children's issues find their home.
So, here's the question, finally! We are engaged, though his children do not know, and I suspect that the notion would not be greeted with joy anytime soon. My daughter knows, and is thrilled.
What should we do with regard to my spouse to be's children? Should we just leave the whole mess alone? I know that it is hard on my fiance to live what he feels are two lives. It also hurts him that his one son, the one with the profane mouth, views this as abandonment. The notion of abandonment comes from his mother.
We spend our time together, and conduct our relationship only when the children are with their mother, so no one is taking time away from the children with father. Aside from the daily, moment or two call that is made to me in front of his children, there is no impingement on their lives and time with their father.
It was odd for me to be in my fiance's home and see not a picture or any bit of me present. We are engaged, yet I do not outwardly exist. I can only imagine what the boys would do to my picture, but that is another story.
How do we live and get on with our lives in this situation? We both want our life and are committed to moving forward, but we have at least two people (ex wife, and one teenage son) very devoted to destroying our relationship.
HELP! Also, please advise if you require more funds. I know that this is a nuanced and involved question.