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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Happy New Years Eve Dr. Mark! I dont have much this time..just

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Happy New Year's Eve Dr. Mark! I don't have much this time..just an update. I hadn't talked to Bob since Christmas Day until he called yesterday. He seemed very good and all that, we didn't talk for all that long, he said he could only talk for a minute cause he had to go get his laundry but could we talk later in the day. I told him no, cause I had to work but suggested that if he felt up to it today after his 13 hour shift, I would be home and he could call then. Well he didn't call and he definitely didn't want to commit to calling, which was fine. He was the one who had suggest we talk more, not me. But when I gave him a good time to call back he started talking about how he wasn't sure what time he would get off or what work would hold for him, bla bla bla. Once again, I follow his lead and give him space and he backs off. I give up. He started also talking about how busy he was going to be on New year's day, watching football with his son and going over to his friend Jim and Jane's house for new year's dinner. Which is all great but i didn't ask about that.

You know, when I look back on this one day, i will definitely be able to say that i gave him "space". I also remembed when I was getting divorced and the last thing i wanted at the time was another relationship. So I guess I can be thankful that he has allowed me "in" so to speak as much as he did.

It is just very difficult for me to let go of how much he wanted to talk and be with me right after he was kicked to the curb until october and then this sparse contact began. I was so supportive and there for him thru a very difficult time. perhaps I was naive to think the things he was saying about wanting us to pursue a relationship was real. It was probably just him seeking solace and nothing more.

Anyway, I had sent him an email thursday night to let him know my mom and dad had been burglarized. (he knows my folks)...and he responded with kind words. I wasn't expecting the call on friday but it was nice. I really wish I had some clue as to where this is going because I don't want to sit here wishing for something that may never be. When we talked on Christmas Day, one of the first things he said was that he wouldn't be able to come to Charlotte anytime soon because of a lack of spare days at work. he said i would probably have to be the one to make the trip but of course not right now with winter weather approaching. He also said i would always be welcome...I had no idea how to respond to that one.

So just wondering if you have any insight to add to the latest....
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
YOu know, this is the hard part about patience. When you're at the start of the marathon, it seems like it'll be easy to be patient because you're full of energy. But after you've run the race a while, you've got some aches, some pains, and the fact that you're not even half way through just makes it seem like yuck.


So that's one way of looking at it. You've always wanted to look at it this way, but you were at the beginning of the race and full of energy. Meaning, throughout our talks you've wanted to keep your focus on him and your hope for the two of you. So we've worked on patience. Well, here you are in the middle of the race.


Nothing is really different. Nothing has changed. He's acting the same (and so are you). So, you stay the course. It sounds like it's moving through the mud as slow as we move through mud...


The other way is to say that you've had enough of waiting. You know how friendships sometimes are based on a particular situation people find themselves in? And then after those situations change, the friendship just slowly fizzes out? You could be describing that situation. That he's not feeling so down any more and the friendship as it was structured with you being a support is not what he needs any more. Maybe. You have to decide if that's what you're seeing or if you want to keep on as above.


I am still for you to see if you can be both waiting for him and looking for Mr. Right (another Mr. Right) at the same time. You're a very loyal person and you rejected that early on in our talks. So, I'm with whichever way you want to interpret his behavior.


I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button because: even though you have made a deposit, I do not get paid for my time unless you press ACCEPT. Feel free to continue the discussion as my goal is to get you the best answer possible. You can continue the discussion even after pressing ACCEPT. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

 

Hey Dr. Mark....you seem to have hit the nail on the head...Im still in this for the long term but am impatient for it to start looking better. I fear that I was a part of something that he doesn't need anymore because I still have considerable feelings for him...I don't want to think about that I might have been something that he doesn't need anymore and that my only role was in helping him get back on his feet. Not that I don't want that for him, I just had hope that I would be standing next to him when that happened. So yeah, I'm impatient and I have had a hard time accepting this new sparse talking situation. I miss talking to him cause we could talk for hours about stuff we both love,,music, flying, etc.

 

I guess the hardest part is that I really don't know if its the first scenario or the second you describe that is going on or if nothing has really changed other than he is doing better and doesn't need to talk as much. I do think he cares about me alot. He made a point of saying he loved me when he got off the phone yesterday. He's always said I was his first love and very special and so I think I have that going for me, but that was also 36 years ago and things were different. I was just sitting here thinking about going on an online dating service jsut to see what else might be out there. Not that I am giving up on Bob but that maybe I'm giving up on putting all my heart with him in case he totally breaks my heart, ya know. There are times when I want him to acknowledge that he said stuff that he might not have really meant cause he was in the middle of the emotional upheaval. I think it might at least give me some validation that I didnt' just dream it.

 

I also know its probably a tough time for him. His first christmas and new years without his family, or his dad who passed the first of Feb. I'm sure its a little hard for him right now. His wife just got back from taking her new girlfriend to meet her family in mississippi..took their son with her. they just got back and he said he was unable to get much out of Jack about how the trip went,. He asked me if I thought it was ackward for them..I said I thought it would be ackward in the most understanding of families.

 

So I guess you are right, the only thing that has changed is the frequency of our conversations. He's still in the mud and its very slow going. I will continue to be patience but also keep looking for mr. something else. I guess with the trauma of what happened to my 85 year old parents with their breakin, I've been more stressed lately and more wishing for something good to happen.

 

On just a small thing, what do you make of the whole thing of him wanting to talk more friday afternoon but doing the dance around when I gave him a different time to call.

I really had the sense that he so didn't want to commit to when he would call...maybe

I'm trying to read some hidden meaning into that instead of just being happy that he called in the first place. Course I think you can read me like a primer..you know that what I really want to do is call him up and say "dude, where are you with us and what's going on?" I know i know...I wouldn't get a "real" answer and I would wreck any chance of this perhaps working out one day. but seriously, it was almost laughable how much he started making up reasons why he couldn't commit to calling after work today when I know he used to do it all the time. Is he that scared of a relationship or of me now?

He has shared his most intimate and personal feelings and now he's doing a dance around when he will call back..and it was him who wanted to talk more! I was so casual when i said it..just "well I'll be home tomorrow evening if you want to talk more then"... well I'm rambling...over analizing I'm sure...just trying to find some "real" ground....and yes, i will try to be more patient. You were so right about that, it is definitely harder after you've been running for a while...

 

 

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
I guess I didn't make such a big deal out of the Friday thing like you did. I'm a guy and I'm used to guys having a genuine desire to do something. Then the woman pins them down and they're in trouble: they don't know their schedules that closely. And what if something comes up. And what if they get distracted. And what if they forget.


Women just don't get it when men forget. So, men tend to get very wary of being pinned down like that. I guess I'm just used to that so I didn't make anything out of it.


So I don't know whether I'm right or not. But, even if I'm not:


you are not going to win by holding every little thing to the microscope. You're going to drive him nuts and you're going to get loopy in the process yourself. Take up a hobby if you have to!


But you can't start deciding if the man of your dreams is zigging when you want him to zag and therefore you should give up on wedding bells or order your gown!! Okay?


If he's done, you'll know. You don't have to try to interpret some little move for the tea leaves sign. If you missed the early warnings, so what?


I'd rather you wait till he sends you a clear message rather than you figuring it out 2 weeks or a month earlier if it means you aren't driving yourself batty over it....


I wish you the very best!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yo are so cool, you know that? Well you are. I'll try to stop over analizing..and just so ya know, I never talk to him about these "inside" feelings cause I don't want him to be driven nuts!! I just do that to my friends and my online doc! :D I guess guys are so very different...he did'n't know his plans and didn't wanna commit and I thought it was such a small thing to say yeah sounds good, or not i can't call then instead of doing the big "dance"... anyway, thanks,,,you tell me what I need to hear. I'll try to keep busy with other stuff and get my mind off him and try to ENJOY this journey and still keep hoping that it wasn't just one of those "good friends due to circumstances" things and will turn into something more. thanks again...I'm sure I'll be harrassing you again sometime soon. happy new year!
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Happy new year to you as well!! Let me know if you took up quilting...


I wish you the very best!


Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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