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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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Hello. I found that my 66 year old husband is looking a sex

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Hello. I found that my 66 year old husband is looking a sex type websites. I walked into his office as he was on his laptop, he quickly closed the browser. Later, when he was not around, I searched the history on his laptop and saw he visited two websites about getting an adult friend, etc. I opened one of the sites, and saw smut photos of young women and a video of a young woman being very seductive to the viewer. We have been married only 9 years. He has e.d. and is not working any longer. He's home all the time, has a small internet retail business. We pretty much live as roommates anymore. We get along ok, but a typical marriage, it is not. I know he's had financial problems in his past, which caused his last marriage to break, and its when he had all his children, who all have their own families. He doesn't stay in touch with them, like a typical father and grandfather should. I do think that he used to visit these websites when we were dating..but I didn't think he was still doing it. How often he does, I have no idea. What could be the reason for this. It makes me feel horrible, and I didn't confront him. I feel it would be nothing more than an argument, and he would deny the fact and run away from me and not communicate for a couple of days...because it would be "my fault" that I went on his computer. Taking the issue off himself and place it on me. What is the reason men do this...at his age? Again, he has e.d. and we have no sexlife at all. Thanks.


 


I can't get into my account, and the new password XXXXX sent to me.  My email address is:  imvlh208@aol.com.   In the event my email address isn't visible to you.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
I am so sorry you are in this painful place.
He does this so he can feel more like a man and more like a young man. It is very discouraging for a man when he can't function normally in any kind of a physical way but especially sexually.
The number one thing you need to avoid is taking his behavior personally. This is very hard for most women to accomplish but you need to see this as his issue not a reflection or comment on your attractiveness.
The next thing you can do is try to build him up with words of encouragement and complements. Tell him how handsome he is, how smart he is and how much his kids love him. I know this will probably be uncomfortable for both of you but after a while you may both start to believe it if you don't already. If any little bit of your encouragement gets a reaction fan the flames. A few of the complements can have a hint in them like, "your kids are lucky to have a man like you for their dad, don't deprive them of your good nature."
The third thing you can do is ask him open questions to get him talking and then listen to what he has to say even when it's not what you want to hear. Don't shut him down by correcting him even though he will say some wrong and ridiculous things.
Finally try to find things to do that you both enjoy and do what you can to spark the friendship that brought you together in the first place. A good book you might enjoy, and benefit from, is 'Light His Fire'
So many things to do when you are understandably feeling so let down in your marriage.
Best of success to you both. Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Mark Manley and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Dear XXXXX,

 

Thank you so much for your heartfelt, intelligent response to me. It is very disheartening to know all of this in the short time we've been married. We have tried virtually everything that the medical field can offer for the E.D. nothing works for him. We aren't sure why. The TV commercials for the E.D. meds are uncomfortable to watch, when we are both in the room, especially....when they say "if you have an errection for more than 4 hours, consult a doctor".. Four Hours! I'd be happy if it worked for us for 15 minutes.

 

What you say is reasonable. I do remember when we first started living together, and he had an old computer that his son used to use in colledge. I saw the drop-down menu on the search results history, and it was a smut site, as you can tell in the description. When I questioned him, he dismissed it and said it was probably something his son visited. I was very skeptical at that time, but didn't think about it anymore until the other day, when he acted strangely when I entered his home office.

 

I will try what you recommend. It's not easy sometimes, because he has gotten so moody and irritable, and its difficult to compliment someone in that mode. Then suddenly, overnight, he's in a better mood. Don't understand that one!

 

I am getting older too; but I believe I am more attractive still than a lot of women my age. I do think I am the problem for him, because of he being more interested in young internet women. He used to still be interested in sexual moments, but for the last couple of years, he is totally disinterested. I am not too upset though, because it was getting very frustrating for both of us, when his E.D. limited our closeness. I am just happy with being nice to one another and hugging and cuddling. But I guess for him, it's not easy to do. Women are different, I guess.

 

Thank you again. I will try not to take it personally.

 

Happy New Year!

 

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