I have asked several times about my current situation... i appologise for the repetition but i desperately need to get better soon.
im 26 and am an officer in the military. A year ago I broke up with my girlfreind of 5 years and i am utterly devastated. The reasons for the break up are complex and haunt me. Haunt me so much I cannot live a healthy life. I was starting to make progress when I bumped into her a few days ago, with a new boyfriend. Her progress - seemingly complete - and health and grown up attutide and seeming complete happyness has shocked me back into my depressive, regretful state of misery about the break up.
I loved and still do love her so much. She is a lovely, gentle warm girl who was a truely wonderful girlfriend to me. The only thing that bothered me in our relationship, and the cause of the break up, was my dislike and inability to let go of her past - her sexual past. It was a big issue and caused a 6 month depressive episode when we got together and 4 years later it came back. She decided enough was enough and left. I knew it was wrong, i knew we should be together and that I loved her, but i was in a depression again and as far as I could see it was just. yeh again, beacuse I had decided I didnt like what I knew about her past. Basically, she naively had 10ish 1 night stands when arriving at university and I knew some of the guys involved.
She was the eldest of 4 children, the only girl. One of her brothers has ADHD and she was sent off to bording school on her own. She had an eating disorder and she found her school years very difficult and hard to talk about now. She arrived at university with little confidence but after joining a few sports clubs I believe she became much more confident, made some freiends but this was the start of her "behaviour." She had never had a boyfriend of more than 2 weeks before I met her. Unfortunately I only viewed her as a conquest when we first met and didnt want much to do with her after. She just accepted the knock back and a few weeks later was sleeping
with someone else. A little while after that we started seeing eachother again and got together and fell in love.
However, I found out about her behavior shortly after and it sent me beserk. I found it very very hard to deal with. She was my first sexual partner, I was her 10th..
But i finaly learnt to deal with it and we had a wonderful few years together. Howver last year it all came back, out of nowhere... I started asking the same questions, started punishing her, started obsessing. She declared she couldnt go throught it again and left. She has not been able to speak to me since. Any reply I have had to contact has been "please dont contact me, its over." Bumping into her the other day with a new boyfriend - on their way to her place, which is where we spent so many wonderful times together - has really really sent me back. I almost feel sorry for her, having to put up with me. I feel sorry for her and how difficult her childhood must have been.
I have always regretted how I behaved, on both occasions. Its embarassing if nothing else. I regret breaking up with her. I love her and would do anything to go back a year. I have a high preformance job and I cannot seek professional help over this. I am withdrawing into my own little world over this.. Im not eating properly and im utterly devastated.
What do I do.. ? could you please give me your thoughts on this.. How do I deal with it? What on earth happened with us? Why am I like this?