How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Mark Manley Your Own Question

Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
56283723
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Mark Manley is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My mother is the ultimate narcissist. To the point that she

Customer Question

My mother is the ultimate narcissist. To the point that she has spent the last 20 years polluting my childrens' minds against me, supporting my ex-wife who abused my kids both emotionally and physically. She goes to her house, sits n has dinner with them knowing all this and backstabs me and my abilities as a father. My kids r now estranged and I feel absolute detestation. I feel great guilt because I have after 15 years of trying removed myself from all of them. I then drink when I get see guilty feelings and I seem to sabotage important days with my loving wife. I seem to want to feel pain and in doing so inflict it on the most important person in my life, the only person that has ever really loved ME! I need to loose my guilt. How?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
When did your mother start acting spitefully towards you. Was it in your childhood, teens, or twenty years ago. I presume your mother is single, yes? Do you have siblings who have children? How does your mother behave with your sibs and their kids?

How old are your children?

Additional info will help me formulate my best answer for your question.

Thank you.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I cannot remember her not doing it to me. I can remember her having me in tears when I was 7 because I would spend time playing with my friend and she would accuse me of doing that because I loved his mother more than her. I am a male of 48 years of age and my children are 22, 20, 18, 16.5
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I cannot remember her not doing it to me. I can remember her having me in tears when I was 7 because I would spend time playing with my friend and she would accuse me of doing that because I loved his mother more than her. I am a male of 48 years of age and my children are 22, 20, 18, 16.5

Sorry I forgot to add my mother is married and has been for 49 years. She emotially abuses my father as well who is too weak to stand up to her. The same unless they are happy to gossip and badmouth people. I told her 20 years ago that I would no longer listen to her backstabign and if she had something to say about my sister or anyone else then she better say it to their faces or I would
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I cannot remember her not doing it to me. I can remember her having me in tears when I was 7 because I would spend time playing with my friend and she would accuse me of doing that because I loved his mother more than her. I am a male of 48 years of age and my children are 22, 20, 18, 16.5

Sorry I forgot to add my mother is married and has been for 49 years. She emotially abuses my father as well who is too weak to stand up to her. The same unless they are happy to gossip and badmouth people. I told her 20 years ago that I would no longer listen to her backstabign and if she had something to say about my sister or anyone else then she better say it to their faces or I would

Again sorry I have a younger sister who has 2 kids
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
My heart goes out to you. Obviously you married and had kids with someone you were used to (your mother). They are two peas in a pod. The only thing worse than your childhood was/is your children's. You need to give them years to recover and even beginning to treat you kindly. Obviously you are a very strong person. I don't care if you are Super Man or super human you won't reach your relationship or other personal goals without a lot of remedial emotional work. How much individual therapy have you been to?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I see that my children have been deeply compromised and I have tried consistently to try and build a relationship but only on common courtesy and love. They r fine until I do some parenting. A few years ago my 3 youngest just upped and left home. They felt invincible and had no respect for any of us. I spoke with my ex and my parents and told them that this required tough love. We could not cave it. They of course said yes but it wasn't long before I was left out to dry! They backstabed me and do it as a sport now.

I do not speak with my parents anymore and have just had attempts at rekindling relationships with my 2 youngest, both girls, go up in flames. It was all good until I said 'enough is enough' you must take responsibility for your actions. They of course told me to f... Off I'll just stay with mum and grandparents.

My greatest concern now is that I have a magnificent woman as a wife who cares, truly cares for and I seem to sabotage important dates by drinking too much routinely. I need this to stop. I don't really know why I do it but I have been reading a lot and I see that it could be my guilt, why should I be happy? Why should I have fun. It is the guilt. It is going to destroy my marriage and i need unload baggage. Understandably my wife is saying, enought! I got pathetically drunk on Xmas day after my wife went to great lengths to get me away for all the crap. We went abroad and I didn't take the blackberry. But I still did it on Xmas, and she is asking 'how could I have done this' how can I love my demons more than her! I don't love them more I need to purge and I don't know how. Help

No therapy to date
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
You need to get your self into therapy post haste. Alcohol abuse is a symptom of your deeper issues. Go to therapy and start talking about your childhood. You need a therapist who understands the need for you to talk through all the abusive situations of your past and present. I say; "You have to feel it to heal it, if you don't heal it you repeat it and pass it on." In therapy, let your self feel the pain of your life past and present and let your self emote. I see you live down under. if you ever come to CA. USA. I would be happy to work with you. Also we can continue to chat on this thread as you go through the process of finding a good therapist to work with.

Are you good to go?

Sincerely,
Mark Manley

Please click on 'Accept' so I get credit for my time and expertise
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Mark Manley and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
What do I do with my wife? How do I help her understand that I love her more than anything?cane shouldn't have to put up with my screwed up coping mechanisms? I've been doingbit to her routinely for years. I do not get hammered routinely, it is typically days that matter and when I get that 'f.. Off' message from my kids.

She hates the roullette wheel as she calls it. She never knows when I am going to do it. What do I tell her. We both like to have a social drink, and very much more often than not it is done in moderation. I think she has similar issues with her mother and has spoken about but does not admit to it.

I need some short term things I can do and say to help me he'll her understand as I look to therapy.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
One thing you could do is show her our communication that indicates you are not only trying to change but you are reaching out for help to do so.

Another thing you could do is talk with her and see if she understands/agrees the alcohol abuse is symptomatic of deeper issues thus there is hope that this behavior will change as you address those issues in therapy.

Tell her the therapist you talked to on-line (me), said individual therapy dealing with your past, is imperative to your healing, and you intend to go after it and heal (not just mask) your wounds.

Tell her it took time for you to get messed up and it will take time for you to heal. Tell her you hope with all your heart she stays with you in spite of the pain you have caused her, but, you understand if she doesn't . Tell her you are committed to healing and becoming the husband she deserves.

You might consider giving up the indulgence of even social drinking for a while until you are on a better footing emotionally.

Does that give you what you need?

Sincerely,
Mark Manley

Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Mark Manley and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.

Hello Friend,
I came across some book titles that you may find to be helpful. If you already have these, great, if not here you go.


1. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship by Eleanor Payson. This is a great book that will help you with the lack of self-esteem that living with a narcissist or being close with a narcissist will do to you. Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Othim-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1284329075&sr=8-2

2. The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists by Rokelle Lerner. This book is newer but is extremely clear and insightful and has helped people since it came out 2 years ago. Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Object-My-Affection-Reflection-Narcissists/dp/075730768X/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1284329075&sr=8-5

3. Trapped in the Mirror offspring of parents whose interest always towered above the most basic needs of their sons and daughters -- share a common belief: They believe they do not have the right to exist.

http://www.harpercollins.com/browseinside/index.aspx?isbn13=9780688140717

Go to the roots and don't cover the pain with alcohol.

Best of success to you and your lovely wife.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education