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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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My Parents separated a year ago. I recently found out that

Customer Question

My Parents separated a year ago. I recently found out that my father started a relationship with a work collegue a few weeks after they separated. My Mother has been in and out of hospital with depression and is still struggling with life without my father. She still holds hope for them. She doesn't know about his relationship with another women. I feel that I shouldn't tell her as it will send her over the edge. But I feel so guilty for keeping it from her. What should I do?


 


I am so disapointed in my dad.  I never thought that he would do anything like this.  My mother always thought there was something going on with this women but I always thought she was paranoid.  This women is 12 years younger than my dad.


 


Mum and dad have not spoken since she left.  She felt she had no choice as she felt he hated her.  Everything she did irritated him.  While they were still together she was in hospital with depression after being bullied at work and my father never visited her once.  He thinks it is all in her mind.


 


This is a very long story.  The whole family has been torn apart.  Relationships are going to be beyond repair as no body is talking about anything.  I have recently had a baby and instead of enjoying this lovely time.  I have been worried about Mum, Dad and the family.  I am very sad that things can't be celebrated as I am worried about the disfunction in the family and aqwardness.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
I know your heart is broken. I am very sorry you have to experience all this family pain.

Your job now is to raise your own child and to be a wife to your husband ( I presume you are married).

Your father is lying to you if he told you he 'started' the relationship with the other woman two weeks after he was separated from your mother. They were involved well before that time. And yes he did all he could to make sure the separation would happen so he could be free to pursue his other interest with out interference.

Often I would advise a person in your position to stay out of the 'telling business' but in this case I think it will ultimately help you to know that she knows and it may help her move on with her life. Before you tell her try to get your father to tell her. Ask him to write her a letter informing her that he is in love with someone else and has no intention ever coming back to the marriage. Also encourage him to do all he can to expedite the divorce process.

You can't fix your parents. You will mess up your marriage and family if you try. Let go. If you believe in God, give them up to God. You did not birth your parents and you are not responsible for their lives or their happiness. Of course you love them and you don't want to see them in pain but you have to let them go. You can talk with them, but you must not take responsibility for them.

I would like to talk more with you about all of this if you like.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Mark Manley and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you. I would like to talk more about this.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you. I would like to talk more about this. My Mother is seeing a Counciller once a week and a Phycologist as well. Do you suggest I contact them?
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Do you think your dad would man up and write you mom if you asked him to?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I think he would prob write. But he is to gutless to speak in person.

 

He is no longer in a relationship. So he says it ended months ago.

 

I said to him that he needs to speak things through with mum. So there is some closure on everything. But he said he can't speak to her because he doesn't want to hurt her anymore then he already has. He said he loves her but can't live with her.

 

My mother would be homeless if it wasn't for my sister and I. Dad has no idea what we have gone through. My sister hasn't spoken to him since it has all happened. I know if she finds out about it she will never talk to him again.

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Does your mother live with you some and then some with your sister or do you pay for her to live on her own?

He denies being in a relationship currently but you don't believe him, is this right?

If he is not in a relationship with the woman then definitely don't bring it up.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

She currently rents a room from a friend. Up until then she was living between me and my sisters house.

 

He says that he is currently not in a relationship.

 

I think you are def spot on when u say that he did everything he could to make the separation happen with my mother.

 

Thanks for your help. I feel that it would help mum to move on if she was to know. I will not say anything. But she has said to me she is not ready to hear from him that the relationship is over.

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Ok so let her take her time. I know how much this kind of things hurts, I went through it with my parents.
My heart goes out to you.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley

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