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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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Ill try to make this short. Been married 27 years and my husband

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I'll try to make this short. Been married 27 years and my husband is a great provider but every few years he throws me in a tail spin. I found out he kissed someone else while we were engaged. Then after our son was born he said he kissed a girl outside a bar of course he denies anything else happened several years later while hunting he slept with lady at a bar, came home and told me. Since he told me we decided to make it work because it was just the alcohol. About three years later we were drinking a lil while on vacation and he screwed around with my best friend with me asleep in the next room. After being separated he and my church community convinced me to try again and even though I was miserable for 5 years the last 2 have been much better and I thought we were going to be ok. However on a recent trip I found out he spent the weekend watching pornography when I confronted him he wrote a suicide note and said the gun Jamed but the highway patrol said nothing wrong with gun. We been apart for 2 months now but I'm getting weak and missing him taking care of me. He of course is being so sweet. Our three children are grow the baby is 19. Help something must be wrong with me to keep giving him more chances?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 4 years ago.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. He is a philanderer and you want him to be a 'one woman' (you) man.

He is not going to change (unless age slows him down eventually). Somehow I don't think you have heard all of the story and all of the stories; this is probably for the best. You have to choose between divorcing him and staying with him as he is. If you divorce there are financial implications and if you stay with him I am sure the long term financial picture looks better. I would think you would have had legal counsel on the financial implications of divorcing, if not, be sure and get it. Once you have a clear picture of the financial implications make your decision. The only thing that is not allowed is making the decision based on the fantasy that he has or will change. If you take him, you take him as he is, a philanderer. You pretend that you expect him to be faithful, but inside you are clear that he won't be. You are the one he chooses to live with and be married to, maybe this can be consolation enough for you especially when coupled with the financial benefits, may be not. Only you can decide. Remember no pretending he is someone he is not (the truth will set you free). If you decide to stay with him on the terms I am outlining, you can always try it for a while and change your decision later if it doesn't suit you.

Best of luck to you.

Let me know if you want to discuss this further,

Mark Manley
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Can you explain why I keep giving him another chance? I'm an attractive educated woman why do I think their is no one else out there for me? I just want the dream like my parents have?
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 4 years ago.
You love him.
You have children with him.
You don't want to have your children and grandchildren to have to deal with broken and blended family life.
You didn't get married to get divorced.
You don't want to be a failure in your eyes, your children's eyes, your parents eyes etc.
note: (you can have a failed marriage with out being a failure yourself).
You keep hoping he has learned his lesson and has changed.
You are afraid you will end up alone. (doesn't matter if this is rational the fear is real)
You don't want to admit that he is a selfish _________ who doesn't care enough for you and the kids to change. note: (He may not be a selfish __________ who won't change, he may just be sick person who can't change).
You don't want to have the financial loss.
You believe you would be letting him or God or both down by leaving.
You believe it is your job to save him.
You are afraid he will take his life and you and others will blame you.
You believe that if you loved him enough he would change so its your responsibility to learn to love him better.
Do you want me to keep going?

I won't, but I hope you will. See what you can add to the list.

You have been with him longer than you have not, you put your hopes and your dreams and your life into him and the children you have together, letting go of those dreams is one of the hardest things you will ever do. The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. He has failed. Naturally you don't want to face that and neither does he. You leaving him is the inescapable acknowledgment of his failure as a father and a husband. Deep down everyone knows that with out any one saying it. Off course you don't want to leave him.

I am so sorry.

Mark Manley
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