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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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my ex wife and i were married for 10 yrs and have a 4yr old

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my ex wife and i were married for 10 yrs and have a 4yr old son...she decided she wanted a divorce last december and moved out..she said that i was too controlling , but i have never denied her anything..out son has a developmental disorder but is doing fine..she said i always wanted to control everything with him..i just want his well being...her brother backed out on an important event in my sons life years ago and i couldn't let it go and she's blamed me for it ever since..i'm not perfect but i was willing to go to counseling..she just said that she did not have any feelings for me anymore and was leaving...she's gone but i see her 5 days a week because i work nights and she is working days so i take my son to school and pick him up everyday..i can't get over her. i don't understand how someone could walk away after 10 yrs..i was never unfaithful or abusive and neither was she....i don't know what do do..i'm falling apart
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
I am sorry you are going through this most painful divorce. I would like to ask you a few questions about your ex if you don't mind.

Were her parents divorced? How old was she when they divorced? How old is your ex?

Thanks for the additional information.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
her parents divorced when she was about 10....she is currently 36
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
The way she left the marriage with a weak 'reason' denotes that her actions are a latent reaction to her own childhood pain related to her parents divorce. Exactly how the puzzle fits together would not be possible for me to know with out a lot more information.

I have to go for now but we can chat more about this later if you like.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i'm not perfect by no means but its hard to move on when i see her as much as i do...i've tried to talk with her several times and she just angrily tells me to shut up when all i do is tell her that i miss her...i could understand if i was unfaithful or abusive but she gave me everything in the divorce..i worked hard to build us a house and obtain everything we have...i'll admit i was tight with money but never denied her anything...she allowed me to have the house...vehicles...the property and joint custody of my son...
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
tell me about her relationship with her mother. what do you know about her parents divorce?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

mother left the father with the children..she is the oldest of 5 ....not a good relationship with her mother....her mother lives here in the same city but they havent seen each other in probably 7 yrs...mother has some mental issues...

 

father wasn't around very much...she told me that sometimes he would leave them with a loaf a bread and some sandwich meat....

 

she told me thank you numerous times because if it wasn't for me she would not have finished college and started her career...she said she would have dropped out years ago...i pushed her to have a career and to finish school...i did work alot but she didn't ..she only worked that last year we were together..

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
She has a ton of unresolved pain from her mother abandoning her. She was the mother for her siblings. As soon as she was able to support herself she knew she wanted out of the responsibility of marriage. To stay married and be the wife and mother that her mother wasn't reminds a very hurt part of her of the pain of her childhood. Her behavior is a mystery to herself, all she can do to explain her actions to herself and you is to say you are controlling. You had about a one hundred percent chance of her leaving the marriage but you had no way of knowing. You're next marriage will amaze you but first you have to continue to get past the pain surprise and trauma of her leaving you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
how can i get over her when i have to see her so much because of my son
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
The stages of grieving are
Denial: This isn't happening, this isn't real
Anger: (speaks for it's self)
Bargaining: If I do this or that she will come back and everything will be ok.
Depression: Feeling profound sadness over the loss, this can take months and years.
Acceptance: This comes gradually as the sadness decreases.

We don't necessarily go through these stages in perfect order. What we discussed earlier about her emotional disabilities will help you move on from the 'Bargaining' stage. No matter how many wonderful qualities she has, and I am sure there are many, she is not capable of being the mate you long for her to be. After you have passed through enough sadness you will be able to move onto the acceptance stage and eventually start to think about how the big hole she left in your life and heart can be filled by someone who is capable of sustaining that kind of relationship. For now your work is mostly in the area of overcoming the fantasy that she is someone you want her to be rather than the person she is.

If you plan to continue your individual therapy you might consider taking our correspondence into your next session and reviewing it with your counselor.

I know it seems impossible to you now, but you will be able to move on with your life with the passage of time.

Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley

If you want to chat further please do.

We have covered a lot of ground here. Please click on 'Accept' if you are satisfied to this point and please consider a healthy bonus as the value of this work is more like a couple of individual sessions than a question answer thread.
Thanks,
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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