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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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This has been the most depressing Christmas of my life! My

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This has been the most depressing Christmas of my life! My 19 yr. old granddaughter is a liar, thief, drug addict & also has a problem with alcohol. I just found out, this past week, that my only daughter, who is a recovering drug addict, is planning to fly here to try & get my granddaughter help, but without her knowledge @ this time. I have already caught my daughter in 2 lies about the circumstances of her coming here. I am so heartbroken & do not know where to turn or who to talk to about all of this. What I have mentioned is only a small portion of the problems. It certainly isn't going to be a Merry Christmas for me.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. It doesn't sound like your daughter or granddaughter are responsive to your help. Have you considered letting go of your granddaughter? She is an adult now and both you and she would probably do best if you just let her go do her thing. If she tries to come around just tell her you love her but you don't like her and you don't want to have her around. You will be the worst person in the world and all her problems will be your fault, according to her. That's an alcoholic addict for you. She may need to go through all that but you don't. YOU CAN'T HELP HER. Give her and yourself the best Christmas gift ever, CUT HER LOOSE!

Another Christmas gift for you would be to read (or re-read as the case may be) 'Co-dependent No More' by Melodie Beatie.

You have done your job with your daughter and granddaughter, now take care of your self, including doing service for others as your circumstances allow.

I know it is hard to believe, but this could be the beginning of some very Merry Christmases for you if you will begin to let go of what you cannot change, change what you can and learn the difference between the two.

You have probably been to alanon or coda, consider resuming, continuing or starting whatever the case may be.

Show these women (your daughter and granddaughter) how to have a life beyond addiction and co-addiction. Maybe someday they will join you.

Best of success to you.

Mark Manley
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you very much for your suggestions about my granddaughter. I totally agree with your response, but as far as my daughter is concerned, which you didn't mention much, she is my only child & I thought we were as close as a mother & child should be after they become an adult. Yes, I have been to counseling, after my daughter almost died, after overdosing on cocaine & was told that I should not "enable" her behavior under any circumstances. So, that's what I did to try & save her life. It seemed to have worked, but I'm so scared now that it's beginning all over again because of her lying to me. We were speaking daily, until she planned this so called intervention, exchanging recipes, laughing about the antics of our pets & discussing how my granddaughter was living such a dysfunctional lifestyle. Should I ask her why she finds it necessary to lie to me now? I know that you cannot predict the outcome of this so called intervention that she's supposedly planning, but from your experience, should I disconnect from my daughter, too while she's here? The lying has hurt me more than any physical pain she could do to me because that would only hurt for a little bit, but the hurt I'm feeling now stays with me morning, noon & night. I guess you're probably thinking, "Thank Goodness this lady only has 1 child & 1 grandchild, otherwise this could go on for days!" Lol! (I have to laugh to keep from crying.) I'm getting ready to go online to see if I can read Co-Dependent No More right now! Thanks again for your help!
I don't think you need to detach from your daughter though you may have to give her some pretty big space while she gets through this next phase with her daughter. I hear how hurt you are by her lies, when the time is right, I think you should ask her about why she felt it was necessary to lie to you and then listen very carefully with out reacting to what she says. Use careful consideration to see if something about you is hard to be honest with or if it's just your daughter needing to grow up some more or some of both.

Good for you for your previous counseling, hard work and perseverance. And good for you for reading!

Sincerely, XXXXX
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Shortly after my daughter came out of the coma she was in for 8 days, I was told by Social Services that she needed to be placed in a Nursing Home & gave a list of places to choose from because of the brain damage she had suffered. I told them that I wanted to bring her home, but would need time to make arrangements. I put them off for days & prayed constantly, promising that I would do any & everything possible if God would just let her be alright again. IT WORKED! (Yes! I do believe in miracles now!) They transferred her to a Rehab center instead of a Nursing Home. It took months before she was able to come back home. She & my granddaughter (Who is the one that found her comatose.) had to live with me afterwards because she hadn't made payments on her mobile home before she overdosed due to her expensive "habit." I took care of her after she had numerous seizures after coming home, too. She's also a brittle diabetic & legally blind due to her not taking care of herself. I've also been an insulin dependent diabetic for the past 46 years, but haven't had any complications. I often say that I'm going to live to be 102. I have to take care of myself to accomplish that, though! I ain't going nowhere until 2058! Lol! Because of everything I went through with my daughter I may be a little on the over protective side & maybe that's why I'm the hard to be honest with type. Because if I think it's wrong I'll stand behind a post & argue with my last breath to make my point, so it might be awful hard for me not to react. I guess I'll just have to wait & see what happens & hope for the best. Hoping you & your family have a very Merry Christmas & the upcoming year brings lots of happiness to you & your loved ones!
Healthy to 102! Merry Christ-mas to you and yours as well.

Mark Manley

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