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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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Engaged and Confused

Resolved Question:

Hi, I've been with my fiancee for 6 years, we have been engaged for almost a year now. Lately i've been feeling confused, unsure of whether or not i want to get married, thinking of everything that i don't like about my relationship as opposed to  the things that i do like. About a month ago we had issues in regards XXXXX XXXXX prenup that his mother was forcing him to get, it put alot of pressure on me and i definitely feel like it strained our relationship. I feel like if i get married , i might get a divorce and i'm scared. It's like i think that i won't be satisfied or fully happy and i might end up cheating because of my needs not being met. Is this crazy, am i psyching myself out because the wedding is so close? I love him, we have amazing memories and have experienced a lot together and i have a great time with him, we've been living together for 3 years out of the 6 and we've learned a lot about each other in the process. There are certainty a few things i don't like about him or his lifestyle and ofcourse i have faults too but i feel that if need be they can be accepted.. I recently turned 26 and I've been with him since i was 19. I've also only been with him intimately - he's my first. I no longer feel a sexual attraction to him and when we have sex, it does nothing for me- I don't feel an emotional connection, i feel like im having sex to please him. I'm scared that maybe i'm getting cold feet, or that im really just not into the relationship anymore. I'm suppose to get married in 5 months, i told him i didn't feel as happy as i could be, and he's a resident at the hospital and never finds enough time to talk about this. Please help me figure out my feelings. I know that if i break up with him it will hurt me and i will miss him and what not... because he was my first everything. But i also don't want to get married feeling this unsure and then divorcing =(.  I feel like there is so much that i want in life.... marriage and kids being one of them... but should i settle if im not sure because im afraid no one else will come along?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.

Mark Manley :

Hello are you available to chat about your questoion

Customer:

Yes, how are you

Customer:

Hi

Mark Manley :

I am doing great but I am concerned about your situation

Customer:

so am i =/

Customer:

I don't know how to figure it out

Mark Manley :

I don't have a crystal ball but from what you are saying I can see why you are concerned

Customer:

Yes, i'm very concerned because i don't want to make a mistake

Customer:

I don't know if how i feel is normal

Mark Manley :

My two biggest concerns are your age when you began the relationship and your lack feeling in love at the moment

Customer:

exactly...i wonder if somewhere inside my mind im thinking that i didn't enjoy my life enough or that i could have done more. Not to mention, 2 of the years we've been together were long distance

Mark Manley :

You need to go so slow. Put the wedding back and tell him the truth about why you want to put it back. Also you have to get married only because of love not because you fear being alone (at least that's according to my value system you have to know and live by your own value system).

Customer:

I was thinking about that, maybe postponing it will help...but how will i figure out my feelings...

Customer:

hello?

Mark Manley :

You don't want to hear this but, you will probably need some alone time (out of the relationship) to figure out your feelings. This may include making yourself available to do some dating of other men. If this marriage is meant to be it will survive a period of separation you will not be the first couple who has gone through such a thing and come out stronger for it whether that means together or separately.

Customer:

Okay, thank you so much for your help. I do have to ask though, do you think this is normal for someone in my position, given our relationship to feel this way? could it just be cold feet?

Mark Manley :

Your whole life is a long time not to be sure of your decision. Conversely your whole life is a long time to be sure about the decision you made. Meaning when you know you did the right thing it helps you get through the tough times that come to all couples through the years.

Customer:

Thank you.... i somehow still feel lost

Mark Manley :

Regarding: is it just a normal thing to go through i.e. cold feet? I don't see this as just cold feet, because of the length of time the two of you have been together and because you were so young when you got together. I see this more as you needing to know yourself better before you give yourself to another.

Mark Manley :

I think you feel lost because you are asking some soul searching questions at this time not just going along with the program. The answers to those questions are not easy to find and it's normal to feel lost while you are searching. Every thing you have been assuming about your life and your relationship is being questioned by you right now and that is so uncomfortable and feels so out of control and ungrounded.

Customer:

That gives me a lot more clarity, just being able to understand my situation a little better. I can't thank you enough. I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision.

Mark Manley :

What you are passing through is healthy but very uncomfortable, the good thing is if you give yourself some time and space to go through the process of questioning, searching and discovering eventually you will feel and be better.

Customer:

thank you soo much. You've given me really good advice and i already feel a little bit better about facing this.

Mark Manley :

Try to have confidence that you must be attractive if have attracted what sounds to be a pretty great guy and kept him around so long. If so you are attractive (and I am sure you are in many ways) then he will be around or you will find someone even better suited to you. BELIEVE

Mark Manley :

Best of success to you

Mark Manley :

Sincerely,

Mark Manley :

Mark Manley

Customer:

Thank you so so very much! I hope you have an a wonderful holiday and a blessed new year, thank you once again!

Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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