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Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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My wife and I are in a serious funk when it comes to sex.

Customer Question

My wife and I are in a serious funk when it comes to sex. We used to have great sex all the time and now she does not want me to touch her. We have not kissed in a long time. She is going through full blown menopause and is scheduled for a hysterectomy in January. It has been a while since we have had good sex and I still have lots of passion for her. My question is will she regain her sex drive after the surgery? It is a real problem in my house and she is very bummed about it. She wants me to go have sex with someone but I will not do that. We have been down that road a few years back and we are very happy with the exception of the sex, which is a problem. I love her and she loves me but the sex needs to pick back up again.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.


When a woman goes through menopause, she often will begin to feel as if she's losing her sexuality as well. Your wife has a "double whammy" in that she's facing a hysterectomy as well. These are usually only done in cases of disease or pain. Under those circumstances, it would be very hard for a woman to feel sexy when her body is turning against her.


If there's some way you could remove the sexual pressure from your relationship for a few months, it will pay off for you in the end. To feel that she's letting her partner down, or to feel the pressure of his needs while her hormones are making the thought of sex itself distasteful, will make sex feel more like a chore or obligation rather than something to look forward to, for her. She is probably very frightened of the surgery, and affected by the thought of losing her female organs. Hard to feel sexy under those conditions, no matter how much you love and desire your husband.


If she had just been diagnosed with cancer or some other serious disease, you would find other ways to show your connection. That's what she needs now--to feel you still love and value her, even while she can't have sex. There will most likely be a 6 week restriction on sex after her surgery.


This is a time to work on keeping your connection strong, without involving sex until she is fully recuperated from the surgery. It would be a great gift to her (and your relationship) if you took care of your own needs yourself for the next two months, to relieve the pressure for sex. In the meanwhile, keep your physical connection with her strong by making a point of touching her in an affectionate (but not sexual) way as you walk by, offer to rub her back or feet when she's tired or scared, or buy her a session with a massage therapist to show her how much you care.


Don't underestimate the havoc that hormonal changes can create. This isn't personal, and it sounds like the loss of libido is hurting her, too. Once she is through the surgery, and fully healed, and her hormones have been successfully adjusted, she'll be back to her old self.


Think of it as her being in a medical crisis right now, because she really is. Facing a hysterectomy is very frightening, and can make a woman doubt herself. Being a stand-up guy through this crisis by removing the sexual tension in the home until she's completely healed will show her how much you really care, and will be your best insurance of a healthy sex life together when this is all over.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Suzanne, tell me what you think about this. You answered me earlier in the week about my wife in menopause and have heeded your advice about not pressuring her about sex. Well last night while we were getting ready to go out she was in the shower and about done when I got in the shower. I got in with her and sat down on the bench we have in there. Waiting for her to get through I got an erection in which she told me to masturbate for her. She got very turned on and had an orgasm. She walked over to me and put her breast in my face while I played with her clit, she was soaking wet. Does this jive with her in menopause?


Optional Information:
Gender: Male
Age: 50

Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

It sounds as if she's still receptive to erotic fun as long as things are spontaneous and she doesn't feel any pressure. Menopause doesn't mean the end of fun. I think you guys are going to be just fine once she gets through the operation. It's great that you're able to be so spontaneous with each other.

I'll be offline for a few days, as I'm traveling to see family.

Happy Holidays!

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Merry Christmas

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