How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Suzanne Your Own Question

Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
32195369
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Suzanne is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My wife and I are in a serious funk when it comes to sex.

Customer Question

My wife and I are in a serious funk when it comes to sex. We used to have great sex all the time and now she does not want me to touch her. We have not kissed in a long time. She is going through full blown menopause and is scheduled for a hysterectomy in January. It has been a while since we have had good sex and I still have lots of passion for her. My question is will she regain her sex drive after the surgery? It is a real problem in my house and she is very bummed about it. She wants me to go have sex with someone but I will not do that. We have been down that road a few years back and we are very happy with the exception of the sex, which is a problem. I love her and she loves me but the sex needs to pick back up again.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.

 

When a woman goes through menopause, she often will begin to feel as if she's losing her sexuality as well. Your wife has a "double whammy" in that she's facing a hysterectomy as well. These are usually only done in cases of disease or pain. Under those circumstances, it would be very hard for a woman to feel sexy when her body is turning against her.

 

If there's some way you could remove the sexual pressure from your relationship for a few months, it will pay off for you in the end. To feel that she's letting her partner down, or to feel the pressure of his needs while her hormones are making the thought of sex itself distasteful, will make sex feel more like a chore or obligation rather than something to look forward to, for her. She is probably very frightened of the surgery, and affected by the thought of losing her female organs. Hard to feel sexy under those conditions, no matter how much you love and desire your husband.

 

If she had just been diagnosed with cancer or some other serious disease, you would find other ways to show your connection. That's what she needs now--to feel you still love and value her, even while she can't have sex. There will most likely be a 6 week restriction on sex after her surgery.

 

This is a time to work on keeping your connection strong, without involving sex until she is fully recuperated from the surgery. It would be a great gift to her (and your relationship) if you took care of your own needs yourself for the next two months, to relieve the pressure for sex. In the meanwhile, keep your physical connection with her strong by making a point of touching her in an affectionate (but not sexual) way as you walk by, offer to rub her back or feet when she's tired or scared, or buy her a session with a massage therapist to show her how much you care.

 

Don't underestimate the havoc that hormonal changes can create. This isn't personal, and it sounds like the loss of libido is hurting her, too. Once she is through the surgery, and fully healed, and her hormones have been successfully adjusted, she'll be back to her old self.

 

Think of it as her being in a medical crisis right now, because she really is. Facing a hysterectomy is very frightening, and can make a woman doubt herself. Being a stand-up guy through this crisis by removing the sexual tension in the home until she's completely healed will show her how much you really care, and will be your best insurance of a healthy sex life together when this is all over.

Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
Suzanne and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Suzanne, tell me what you think about this. You answered me earlier in the week about my wife in menopause and have heeded your advice about not pressuring her about sex. Well last night while we were getting ready to go out she was in the shower and about done when I got in the shower. I got in with her and sat down on the bench we have in there. Waiting for her to get through I got an erection in which she told me to masturbate for her. She got very turned on and had an orgasm. She walked over to me and put her breast in my face while I played with her clit, she was soaking wet. Does this jive with her in menopause?

 

Optional Information:
Gender: Male
Age: 50

Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

It sounds as if she's still receptive to erotic fun as long as things are spontaneous and she doesn't feel any pressure. Menopause doesn't mean the end of fun. I think you guys are going to be just fine once she gets through the operation. It's great that you're able to be so spontaneous with each other.

I'll be offline for a few days, as I'm traveling to see family.

Happy Holidays!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Merry Christmas

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education