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Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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i am 54 yrs old-i have a son 25 yrs old-i have a very nice

Resolved Question:

i am 54 yrs old-i have a son 25 yrs old-i have a very nice boyfriend who helps me and also him with what he needs-he also bought him a used car.my son sometimes make loud noises for attention when my boyfriend is around-mainly when he stays overnight-me and him also have words back and forth-he told his real dad no matter who i date he will the same. seems he doesn't want me to date anyone-he is running my boyfriend away-what should i do
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.

 

This behavior would be understandable and acceptable if your son were 5 years old, but at 25, it's not acceptable.

 

While it's always hard for kids to think of their parents as adults with their own needs, that doesn't mean he has the right to run your home.

 

It's time for you to take back control of your life. If he can't behave in a respectful way toward you and your boyfriend, then it's time to him to move out. At 25, he needs to learn how to make his own way in the world. If finances prevent this, then it's time for him to move in with his father.

 

If he learns that he can get away with this behavior, you'll lose this bf and anyone else you try to date. He's being manipulative and acting like a spoiled brat--this man bought him a car, and he's still being rude. That's just not right. You aren't doing him any favors by letting this continue. Tell him he needs to make other living arrangements, or you'll end up alone after he's ruined your relationships.

Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
Suzanne and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
that's what i always wished that he would stay with his dad if he is not happy here but his dad is another story-he is no help-he just tells me that my son told him that he will feel the same no matter who i am with
his dad is married to someone else and their kids are out of the house and lives in newport news virginia
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
i like your answer but it's not complete
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

Have you had serious conversation with your son about your dating and this particular boyfriend? Your son is quite immature, emotionally. He holds some irrational beliefs that this man will somehow displace his father in HIS life. This is of course, silly, since your son creates what ever relationship he wants with his father and your dating won't change that. I would ask your son EXACTLY WHY HE OBJECTS TO YOUR DATING OTHER MEN since: 1) you are not legally married to his father any longer; 2) his father elected to date other women and found one, and remarried; 3) your dating other men has no effect on what he (your son) does in his every day life; and 4) you would not interfere with HIS (your son's) dating relationship because that would be grossly improper, since he is an adult. So I would carefully, slowly and patiently try to work through the above issues with your son one at a time. Let him know that his behavior toward your boyfriend is disrespectful and and reflects poorly on him---it makes him appear to you, your boyfriend and anyone else who would see the behavior, as reflecting jealousy, insecurity and immaturity. In other words, this isn't the adult behavior one would expect to see in a 25 year old man! So his actions are creating a negative public image of HIM in your eyes and the eyes of anyone would might observe it. At age 25, he has no right to interfere with your personal relationships and he himself, needs to 'get a life' and be worrying about his own adult friendships, relationships with women, etc.

Now, why is your son still living at home at the age of 25? I would explain to him that at age 25, you would like him to begin making plans to find his own apartment in the NEXT 4 MONTHS and that you will help him with a down payment on rent, if he cannot show respect and gratitude to you and your boyfriend for the support you give him. Now you may not actually have to kick him out, but you need to PUT HIM ON NOTICE that you won't put up with this behavior any longer. I would definitely start with the questions and the patient, listening/conversing approach I mentioned above with your son. But in the end, you must become more assertive with your son because this spoiled, immature kid might ruin your relationship with your boyfriend. I wouldn't put up with a relationship with a woman who continued to allow her son to act this way---it would reflect badly on the woman's character and I'd begin looking around for someone who didn't have such entanglements. What do you think?

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