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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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why is my husband a liar (not sure of the difference between

Customer Question

why is my husband a liar (not sure of the difference between he's chronic, habitual or pathological) He lies about many things to me and yet appears like the model citizen to others.
How can I handle this?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Hi thanks for using JustAnswer.
If you could please give me some additional information I can formulate my best answer for your question.

How long have you been married?
Is the lying getting worse with time or are you just getting more tired of it?
Is there a pattern to his lies? i.e. he lies to avoid conflict with you, he lies to about certain topics but not others, etc.?
Did the two of you go to counseling together?
Did he lie to the counselor?

Thanks in advance for the additional information.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Mark Manley and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Married 20 years, together 22 with three children, 19yo girl, 17yo boy, 15yo boy
Think I'm noticing lying more and more.
Pattern: conflict avoidance, certain topics, to do what he wants to do
Presently been in counseling 2 years, same counselor, go separately
Has lied to counselor
Lies about cheating, whereabouts, volunteering (when, where, whether he's doing it or not), events (ie date of work Xmas party)
Makes unilateral decisions and then lies and tells me he's discussed with me.
Claims forgetfulness
Friday nights wants to go to diner type restaurants, no longer wants to go to nice restaurants Friday nights
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for the additional information.

Sorry to bring up a painful issue. You say he lies about cheating. Can you give me more history on this? Do you suspect he is currently?

Thanks.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I think that he is not cheating presently, although he has cheated in the past.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Thanks.
I will be back to you on this shortly
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
I think your husband's lying could best be viewed as a bad habit. All bad habits have two characteristics
the first is, they work in the short run and the other is they don't work in the long run. Not working in the long run is what makes a bad habit 'bad'. When we are stuck in the pattern of a bad habit we know the habit doesn't work in the long run but the immediate pay offs are so enticing and reinforcing that we continue the behavior anyway. He has probably convinced himself that the behavior is really not problematic unless he gets caught. If you were to expose him to others he would protest and lie but not because he doesn't know you are right. What to do with some one in your life who is like this is something only you can decide. I think if I were married to a lying and cheating person I would get out of the marriage. I don't know for sure and wouldn't know until I was in the situation. If you decide you don't want to be married to him because of his behavior you should give him warning, and a request that he become honest, and non-lying with a time frame to make measurable progress to see if the marriage can be reformed and saved. Sometimes people change longstanding bad habits if they have a strong desire to do so. Sometimes desire for change comes when one see that he stands to loose too much by continuing with current behavior. Most people who try to change such a habit will have difficulty including relapses. and it will take a long time to accomplish. You may want to leave sleeping dogs lie. Only you will know what is best for you.

Good luck.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
It has gone on for so long I feel I see it coming.
I feel unvalued and many times foolish when I am in conversations with others and realize I am again in a situation where he has not told me something.
It can be about big issues or mundane everyday things.
My youngest graduates high school in 4 years and I have seriously thought that I should stay through that time but that I too deserve another chance at a happy relationship.
Thank you so much for your insight.
Have a nice holiday!
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
There his so much disrespect towards you in that behavior. I hope you can communicate to him how you feel about that treatment and I hope he can take it in and change. If he can not, I hope you find some one who can treat you with the respect you deserve as a human being.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley

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