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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, my name is Heather & Ive been married to my husband about

Resolved Question:

Hi, my name is Heather & I've been married to my husband about 6 months. Our relationship has gotten progressively worse. I feel completely hopeless & like I have no control whatsoever. When I first met my husband, he seemed too good to be true. He was extremely patient, kindhearted & had a very pleasant disposition.
I realize everyone has flaws & I expected those to come out as our marriage progressed. What I wasn't expecting was a complete flip in personality. My husband, while he at times retains some of his positive qualities such as being patient and optimistic, is almost always dominated by suspicion & aggression. He demands that I text him everything I am doing when I am away at school , if I do not constantly keep up on informing him, he calls freaking out & accusing me of being a liar.
When I get home from school, I let him know I 'm at the house & that I'll be spending my evening there, but he doesn't believe me so he leaves work & drives by the house to make sure I am telling the truth. He often accuses me of having an affair. He holds me down tries to smell my mouth & my clothes to see if there is guy cologne on them. When I try to break free he just grabs me tighter.
He takes my phone from me without asking (he doesn't pay for the phone) & searches through my messages. He calls me names if I don't agree with him & threatens to kick me out of the house. I try to tell him how much he is hurting me, but he won't even try to change he just tells me to leave if I am not happy.
Based on this information, you would think I had cheated on him or broken his trust at some point, but I haven't. He has cheated on me once. He threatened to kill me if I cheated on him. I am scared and want our relationship to be healthy. I realize I am doing a poor job of standing up for myself. But I am scared of being lonely & hurting constantly.Could you please help me? Thanks
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Heather, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It is very hard when you are faced with behavior that you did not expect. Your husband appeared to be loving and kind before you married him then suddenly changed. It would seem based on his behavior, that he was hiding his true nature from you.

 

From your description of your marriage, it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse can include emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse. The main symptom of an abusive relationship is control. If the other person is trying to control you, then you are being abused. The other signs of an abusive relationship include:

 

feeling fearful of your husband

threatening to hurt you or kill you

blaming you for his behavior

taking away your freedom

refusing to let you have an opinion

no respect for your feelings

you feel as if you are walking on eggshells around your husband

jealousy and possessiveness

 

The most disturbing of your husband's behaviors is his threat to kill you. This is how domestic abuse starts. The attempts to control you and the threats if you do not comply.

 

Your husband knows enough about what he is doing to hide it from others. He hid it from you initially and now he hides it from therapists and others in your life. That means he has insight into his behavior and has no intention of changing. And unless he wants to change, there is nothing you can do to force him.

 

It is important that you get out of this relationship now. I know that is hard to hear, but situations like your marriage do not end well. Your husband is trying to control you now and most likely, his behavior will escalate given time. He will become more and more suspicious of you, even if he cannot find proof of affairs. This will cause him to try to keep tighter and tighter control over you and you may end up giving up everything, including family, jobs and school just to try to keep him calm. And many times, men who make threats to kill their spouses attempt it at one point.

 

You can get help through your local shelter if you feel you cannot leave on your own. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

 

Please consider getting help now. An abuse counselor can help walk you through resources available to you and they can provide the support you need to leave this marriage before you cannot get out on your own.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

 

 

 

 

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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