Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
You're welcome Kathy! I am glad I could be here when you needed someone.
It's important that you accept feeling hurt, empty and sad as very normal. You suffered severe trauma and recovery sometimes can take a long time. It's frustrating because you want to feel better now. Sometimes in order to get better, you need to allow yourself the time to sit with your feelings. Let them be a part of you. Use what supports you have, keep trying to journal, talk to others and care for yourself, but also give yourself permission to just be. Your desire to move ahead is great, don't get me wrong. And you should keep pursuing recovery. But part of recovery is allowing yourself to just be who you are and allow yourself to feel.
Turning this onto yourself and blaming yourself is a part of survivor behavior. And it is normal. But it is a falsehood that being a survivor puts on you. It is a way of turning the anger and hurt you feel about your attacker and putting on yourself. It is not the attacker who could have had something wrong with him, so it must be you. You are unworthy and deserve to be hurt. Nothing could be further from the truth.
One thing you may want to talk to your therapist about and/or work on at home is getting more in touch with your anger towards your attacker and about the attack. Ask yourself- Why is it ok to be angry? What makes you angry about what happened? etc. I don't know if this is something you have touched on yet, but it may help you cope better with not turning this on yourself.