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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Last month i let a woman from where i work castrate me. we

Resolved Question:

Last month i let a woman from where i work castrate me. we researched it and then we purchased an emasculator from a livestock supply company for the purpose of minimizing bleeding and infection.
I have wanted this done for almost 10 years. The shame and punishment of it had become a part of my fantasies. It would never have happened if I hadn't met the woman who did it. Jen is not a friend. I found out she'd been abused as a girl and I dared to leave my journal where she could find it and because of that two sick people found out about each other.
What's done is done. I won't ever have testicles again.
My question to you is why? Why did I have those fantasies? Why did I actually let her tie me down instead of keeping it a fantasy? Why do I stay and work where she works, where she told her friends what she did to me?
I was so sure that castration would stop my self loathing but it seems that I loathe myself even more now and every day I go to work knowing that once I get there I'll be reminded that I'm neutered and don't deserve their respect. The thing is that I feel that tend to agree with them and I need to know why I think like that?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

It seems that you were somehow abused emotionally (or more) when you were a child, and have hated yourself deeply, for a long time. This self-loathing has been growing inside of you for years and you have wished to punish yourself by destroying your identity (masculinity), your ability to propogate yourself, and even to seek the contempt of others.

Your friend Jen may be a man-hater. She would not have been able to do this gruesome and dangerous act without being very much off balance. She had contempt for you as a man, and didn't care for you as a person.

This was a very unfortunate combination of personalities that each allowed the other to fulfill a fantasy outside of the realm of acceptable. You wanted to be punished (as you had been used to as a child), and she wanted to destroy a man (men in general). This is self-loathing, and it stems from your childhood.

If you wish to pursue this with a mental health expert, particularly a psychoanalyst.

You are not alone in having these thoughts or even in carrying them out. I recommend that you go to the following website, sign in, and read stories by men who have shared some of your experiences and thoughts. This will give you tremedous insight and give you the supportive feeling of not being alone.

My kindest regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
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